Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

7,434 Members
25,011 Posts
3 Online
Anxiety Disorders
/ Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Hard Day

deleted_user
deleted_user
I seem to be having a hard time today for not real good reason. I'm having a lot of flashbacks and just thoughts about what happened in general.

I have yet to be able to bring myself to eat. Granted I haven't been up long though I am hungry. Food is just another trigger that reminds me of things they did to punish me for eating.

I posted two of my poems in the Sexual Abuse community and in my journal as well. They're old and I haven't written anything about the abuse in over a year.

I was writing an autobiography about it but stopped when I got to the trafficking and just haven't wrote since. I just can't seem to put it into paragraph form.

The two poems are about the trafficking with one having more about the snuff film (someone killed on camera). I've never wrote in detail about the snuff film and I have no idea if I will ever be able to.

I just don't know why today. I had a pretty good day yesterday and things have been going okay lately. I don't know why I'm triggered all of a sudden.

Anyway, the poems I posted can be read in the Sexual Abuse community, my journal, or online. They will probably trigger so if you read, read with caution.

http://angel.catfangz.com/hold/trafficking.html

http://angel.catfangz.com/hold/remember.html

I don't know why I seem to think I need to share them. Maybe to make it more real? Maybe I've been trying to forget it lately and it's telling me I can't forget it, that I need to remember and heal from it.

I know this is long and might not make any sense so if you've read it, thanks.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your post was not long and it made perfect sense. I always asked myself why today but I never got an answer. I looked for anything that would trigger me into flashbacks and so on. A lot of times I just blame it on free floating anxiety.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wasn't able to read your poems today but I hope in the future that I can. I'm a bit on the sensitive side today so I didn't want to get triggerd. But it's very brave and courageous of you to put them out there. I wanted to acknowledge that I heard you were having a hard day. I think sometimes we don't always have a reason. It just happens. It's just another opportunity to put those coping skills together and to love yourself and take good care of yourself. Please try and eat and nourish yourself. I'll be thinking about you. Take Care, Vickie
deleted_user
deleted_user
days like today are awful. i took a nap trying to sleep it off only to wake up and have nothing really changed. thoughts are still there as are the memories. oh well.
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks for the responses and well wishes. i'm just not in a good place and can't stop remember things.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe you share because, like everyone, you need to be heard and validated and understood.

I am sure you are triggered because you are trying to access those memories to share. Maybe you're ready. Maybe you're not. Maybe you should just spend some time sitting with yourself and see what's in your heart.

If I were ready and really wanted in, I would take my propranolol so that I could get to the memories. I would definitely take the 20 mg so I could manage it. I actually disassociate the memories and "have" to take propranolol to access them. I am ready, but I am not ready to do it alone. I want a therapist there with me before I try to deactivate them. The thing is, they have to be triggered to be deactivated and that, of course, is scary.

I think you are brave to write your story alone. I think I would need a writing partner so that I could spew and have that emotional support when we worked through I hard section.

I've been reading Alice Miller (Woodlandpath's suggestion) and am stunned by a lot of her honesty and insights. She talks about an "enlightened witness" to help us be validated and reaffirmed in our childhood trauma. I've marked a couple more pages from a different book that I think I want to scan. I'll do it tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon if you want to check it out.

We have a right to our emotions and so do others. Yet those who cannot release their own get upset and try to hold us back or punish us for sharing them. Pretty silly when you think about it. :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Lol! Gregory, I love that "free floating anxiety" phrase.

Ah, catecholamines... free floating through our system and making us crazed even when we're not thinking about these things. Yuck on the catecholamines! Oh, well, that's not fair... they are great for survival. Okay, rephrasing... Yuck on over zealous catecholamines! No one likes an extremist! ;-p
deleted_user
deleted_user
what i'm remember aren't new memories they are old ones. they just still bother me and i'm not sure if that will ever change.
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • GrassIsGreen

    acknowlodging

    Posted by: GrassIsGreen
    Last Reply: GrassIsGreen
    15
    I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
  • irishwriter

    come unwind in the bp lounge

    Posted by: irishwriter
    Last Reply: irishwriter
    7904
    theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??