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I seem to be having a hard time today for not real good reason. I'm having a lot of flashbacks and just thoughts about what happened in general.
I have yet to be able to bring myself to eat. Granted I haven't been up long though I am hungry. Food is just another trigger that reminds me of things they did to punish me for eating.
I posted two of my poems in the Sexual Abuse community and in my journal as well. They're old and I haven't written anything about the abuse in over a year.
I was writing an autobiography about it but stopped when I got to the trafficking and just haven't wrote since. I just can't seem to put it into paragraph form.
The two poems are about the trafficking with one having more about the snuff film (someone killed on camera). I've never wrote in detail about the snuff film and I have no idea if I will ever be able to.
I just don't know why today. I had a pretty good day yesterday and things have been going okay lately. I don't know why I'm triggered all of a sudden.
Anyway, the poems I posted can be read in the Sexual Abuse community, my journal, or online. They will probably trigger so if you read, read with caution.
http://angel.catfangz.com/hold/trafficking.html
http://angel.catfangz.com/hold/remember.html
I don't know why I seem to think I need to share them. Maybe to make it more real? Maybe I've been trying to forget it lately and it's telling me I can't forget it, that I need to remember and heal from it.
I know this is long and might not make any sense so if you've read it, thanks.
I have yet to be able to bring myself to eat. Granted I haven't been up long though I am hungry. Food is just another trigger that reminds me of things they did to punish me for eating.
I posted two of my poems in the Sexual Abuse community and in my journal as well. They're old and I haven't written anything about the abuse in over a year.
I was writing an autobiography about it but stopped when I got to the trafficking and just haven't wrote since. I just can't seem to put it into paragraph form.
The two poems are about the trafficking with one having more about the snuff film (someone killed on camera). I've never wrote in detail about the snuff film and I have no idea if I will ever be able to.
I just don't know why today. I had a pretty good day yesterday and things have been going okay lately. I don't know why I'm triggered all of a sudden.
Anyway, the poems I posted can be read in the Sexual Abuse community, my journal, or online. They will probably trigger so if you read, read with caution.
http://angel.catfangz.com/hold/trafficking.html
http://angel.catfangz.com/hold/remember.html
I don't know why I seem to think I need to share them. Maybe to make it more real? Maybe I've been trying to forget it lately and it's telling me I can't forget it, that I need to remember and heal from it.
I know this is long and might not make any sense so if you've read it, thanks.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
I am sure you are triggered because you are trying to access those memories to share. Maybe you're ready. Maybe you're not. Maybe you should just spend some time sitting with yourself and see what's in your heart.
If I were ready and really wanted in, I would take my propranolol so that I could get to the memories. I would definitely take the 20 mg so I could manage it. I actually disassociate the memories and "have" to take propranolol to access them. I am ready, but I am not ready to do it alone. I want a therapist there with me before I try to deactivate them. The thing is, they have to be triggered to be deactivated and that, of course, is scary.
I think you are brave to write your story alone. I think I would need a writing partner so that I could spew and have that emotional support when we worked through I hard section.
I've been reading Alice Miller (Woodlandpath's suggestion) and am stunned by a lot of her honesty and insights. She talks about an "enlightened witness" to help us be validated and reaffirmed in our childhood trauma. I've marked a couple more pages from a different book that I think I want to scan. I'll do it tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon if you want to check it out.
We have a right to our emotions and so do others. Yet those who cannot release their own get upset and try to hold us back or punish us for sharing them. Pretty silly when you think about it. :)
Ah, catecholamines... free floating through our system and making us crazed even when we're not thinking about these things. Yuck on the catecholamines! Oh, well, that's not fair... they are great for survival. Okay, rephrasing... Yuck on over zealous catecholamines! No one likes an extremist! ;-p