I feel absolutely fucking terrible today. I know I posted earlier on in the week and all the support you guys gave me did help and I am really grateful but my mood has dipped again and I'm having suicidal thoughts and this powerful urge to run away. The pain is really overwhelming me right now. TW I can honestly understand why some people off themselves when they feel they just can't take any more. I'm having visions of running a hot bath and taking a razor blade and slitting my wrists *end TW * or taking a bag and my dog and live on the streets. The sorrow over my daughter turning away from me is triggering all this. I feel that I'm a crap mum a crap partner a crap friend and a crap human being who is a complete waste of time and oxygen. What's the bloody point of carrying on? I looked up my eldest brother on Twitter today and there he was with 3 of his kids all looking smiley and happy and I thought how fucking DARE he? TW he tried to rape me on the living room floor when I was 6 and he was 13. He spent the next 4 years fiddling me in my bed while I was asleep. He finally left me alone when I was 10 and then my other brother started on me when I was 12. He did manage to rape me when I was 14. This carried on til I was 17. My eldest brother knew and so did my mum. But nobody did anything to stop it. *END TW* Those bastards all have great lives and families of their own and mine is fucking fucked. It's all so unfair. I didn't stand a chance really. And because I was fucked up I unintentionally fucked my own kids lives up. I can't deal with the guilt. My daughter probably has very good reasons for hating my guts and I don't blame her one little bit. I let her down severely and she got damaged. I just feel like it's all my fault. I don't feel sorry for myself I feel so sorry for her though. I wish I could put things right but that's impossible. She maintains her Dad did the same things to her that my brothers did to me. But he has been looking after me all these years since she was snatched from me by social services. Why would he do that if he's the monster she says he is? Bloody hell I'm so confused. Now I'm looking at her Dad and wondering, did you hurt my baby girl? He swears blind he never touched her but I grew up with a mum and brothers who swore blind to everyone that they never touched me. But I knew the truth. Am I like my dad who bought their lies for decades before he finally believed me? If i have been in denial about my daughter and her Dad I don't think I can forgive myself. I just don't know what to do for the best. My daughter has everything she needs in a material sense but without her Dad to help me I won't. I have a very real fear of poverty because of what I went through when I was a young woman married to a much older severe alcoholic who would spend all the food money and leave me starving while pregnant with our son . sorry should have added a TW there. I can't go back there again. Just can't. Bloody hell what a dilemma. I feel torn in 2 about this and so conflicted. Some of you might think well it's cut and dried put your daughter first and get rid of her Dad but I'm so scared if I do that I won't survive. If I don't survive I'm no use to her anyway. No bloody wonder she has written me off. I'm totally bloody useless. God I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Please don't judge me . This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life no kidding. And I've been through some serious shit hence the PTSD. I wanted better for my little girl and I failed her . God help me PLEASE. And help her.
Sorry for this being so long. If you got this far you deserve a medal lol.
I don't want to have to kill myself. But, I have zero will to be alive right now. The fact that everyone else just bounces back from shit makes me feel broken. I'm just a drain on my family's resources. My dad breaks his body everyday to work for what? For me? Why am I even here right now? All I do is stay in my room. I do school, I'm about to start working on my Ph.D. in psychology because I...
Anyone tried CBD oil and does it work?