Working has always been a sore spot for me. I've always had trouble doing it. My family attributed it first to my being lazy, then to me being off my meds and unable to grow up and be an adult.
So I've had lifelong messages about how inadequate I am to work compared to everyone else in the world.
I was working at Walmart years ago during the recession when that was the only job to be had in my area. At that time, my once favorite uncle flew in to visit us from Seattle. He talked about Seattle and Washington and my dad casually said maybe I'd like to move out there one day. My uncle said, "Yeah as long as you have a job." His comment was dripping with sarcasm. I went to the bathroom and couldn't stop crying. I did have a job. I fought hard to work and I was doing it, even though it was so difficult. And he took a cheap shot. This was a man I grew up admiring and wanting to be like. I couldn't stop crying long enough to say goodbye to him so I lied and said I was crying because I was sad he was leaving for Seattle again. That wasn't it at all. I was crying out of hurt and shame.
My father once said, "You've sabotaged your entire adult life! Now deal with it!" He said that after I flunked out of college. Again. I was 25.
The same uncle said in an email to my mom that I almost let myself become a welfare mom. She was stupid enough to tell me. Yes, I had an abortion. No, I don't regret. That's all I'm going to say about that.
After getting ECT, I managed to recover, move out of my parent's house, move in with a roommate, get a good job at a mortgage company, started dating a guy, had weight loss surgery, adopt a dog and got a car. I did all that within a year of having ECT. That first year I lost 60. I've lost a total of 95.
But that freedom was short-lived. The back pain that would completely disable me started a few months after I turned 30. I held on to my mortgage job for as long as I physically could. Because of the back pain, I couldn't sit or even stand at my desk. I was there a total of 1 year and 3 months. They liked me there and I liked the job, which made it so much worse bc I wanted to stay there for a few years.
So after all the hell of back surgery and losing everything I had gained after ECT, I moved to Texas. The first year was very hard but it's been getting better. Last month I had the highest paycheck I've gotten from subbing all year. I was really proud of that. That meant that I had been making a lot of physical and mental progress. This next one is a fraction of that. I had the injections done, which was a trigger to when I had them done in PA. It was hard to heal from them and my mood slid down a lot since then. My anxiety has been way up. I've been super jumpy and more sensitive to sound, especially sudden sounds, than usual.
I had to cancel too many times with late notice at one school so they excluded me from subbing there. I completely understand that. And I honestly don't like that school anyway. So no big loss. But it has been bothering me for days and today I had to call into a school where I was scheduled to do a half day and could not go. They said they appreciated the call. I'm on good terms with them and I overall like that school. But with my anxiety being so bad, and the anxiety medicine messing with my ability to drive, I couldn't do it. I also just read that that the school went into lockdown yesterday for the second time this year. There was an armed gunman near the school.
I was there subbing the first time they had a lockdown this year that ended with a man assaulting a cop and shooting himself on the football field. I'm not sure I want to sub there anymore. It's been too much.
There's a few schools l I've subbed for numerous times that I like so since I don't need to sub every day, I'm focusing on just the ones that I feel comfortable at. The flexibility of subbing is great but the constant change, not so much.
I'm just being really hard on myself because I have this voice, or voices, in my head telling me I'm a loser, I'm still a child who never learned to grow up, I'm a failure, I can't do the simple things that everyone else can. I can't work because I'm lazy. Or too f#$$ed up mentally to work. I know that all those thoughts stem from what other people said to me and made me feel. They came from people who I thought were my heroes but then turned on me. How do I deal with that? How do I change those voices to something true about me that is positive?
I've been in therapy with an emdr therapist and we backed off on the emdr bc it was getting too intense. But when summer comes and I have no subbing to worry about, I'm thinking about diving in again. I'm just not sure how deep.
I was violently raped several years ago by my (at the time) best friends husband. I have been working with a T for the past 2 years and thought I had worked through my feelings and issues. I had been doing better for a few weeks, not having bad flashbacks/nightmares; not thinking about it everyday; not being so triggered all the time. But the past two weeks or so everything has been flooding...
I’m new to this site. It was recommended by my therapist. Not sure how this all works but I’m willing to try. I was attacked a year ago by a stranger. He didn't get what he came after because I fought as hard as I could. Even though he was caught and found guilty it still hasn't eased the pain and nightmares. I don’t feel safe anymore to travel. I go to work and home. At work, I’m behind...