Dealing with widespread pain of an unknown origin, going to doctors appointments where I get no answers, depression, anxiety, and PTSD, I am friggin exhausted.
I see the rheumatologist tomorrow. I'll be probably be sent for some blood test. I want to go to meetups and meet people in the area but I get so tired by the end of the day, even on days when I don't work. Just taking a trip to the store is really hard. I start out OK at the beginning of the trip but if I walk 2000 steps, which I track on an app, that's when I start feeling pain again. I use the buses and walk everywhere. For stuff that's not bus available, or the trip is too much on me physically with all the buses, I take a lyft. I'm thinking about putting a spot in my budget is for Lyft trips so that I know I can actually go out and socialize and I have to walk as much. Or at least spread out my walking more. They should be relatively easy since I won't have the expense of my van anymore. At least that's the hope.
And I know being physically active helps. It helps a lot. So does physical therapy. But I get tired and the pain comes on quickly. I'm not sure if it helps at that point. Do I keep pushing? Do I rest? I don't know the answers. And sometimes I can't rest because I have to walk to another bus to get home.
I feel intensely lonely and alone. I do talk to friends and neighbors. I talk to my dog. I talk to myself. I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I desperately want more social interaction. I like being by myself but this amount of being by myself is too much. I don't know how to find the balance. It be easier if I had medical answers. It just feels like everything I do is a scientific test. How much can I walk without pushing it too far? If I did push too far, how do I recover quicker? And how much is too far? Will I have the energy to go to that meetup? How much walking is involved once I get off at the bus stop? Or if the meetup is not a bus accessible, is it too expensive to take a lyft? How long will i stay until I get too tire? And how much will I pay For the lyft if it is far?
This is my life now. How the hell did this become my life? I saw my dad wrecked by rheumatoid arthritis. My fate is his? This is quite literally my worst nightmare come true. I deal with chronic pain just like my dad. It is a childhood fear come to life. I watched him disintegrate. I was his go to person for anything he physically couldn't do, physically lifted it up and help him do things while my mother sat in the bedroom watching soap operas and doing absolutely nothing. I hoped and prayed that it would not happen to me.
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