The approach of my wife's anniversary of death (19th) is beginning to kick up some of my PTSD. From the moment she passed away, my grief has been a severe trigger to my symptoms and my childhood abuse. It seems vulnerability always leads to PTSD. I think at first, it was because I was so grief stricken that my mind actually thought I could handle dealing with my past more than dealing with my loss. Now, I think it just triggers it because it triggered the first time around, so anytime my grief intensifies so does my PTSD symptoms and triggers to my childhood trauma.
Saturday brought an emotional melt down. I stood over the bathroom sink sobbing and watching my tears fall upon the porcelain.
When I finally finished, my grief and sadness led to suicidal ideation. I began to just sit and think about how easy it would be to just take all of my sleep meds and stop hurting. It could be like any other time in my life when I went to sleep, only this time I wouldn't have to get back up and feel the pain of missing my wife, and feeling the emptiness of my home without her in it.
I got a cup of water and took my pill bottles to the table with me. I actually sat at the table playing ipad games and taking my Prazosin and Seraquel one at a time every few minutes. I think I took three or four of each before I really started to feel like I was out of it.
I knew in that moment that I had better skip supper and just go carefully up to bed and sleep it off before I did something I couldn't undo.
So I slowly took myself upstairs to bed because prazosin makes me a little light headed. I slept for hours, got up later to have a salad, I think I might have come on DS to read and comment a little and then went back to bed until seven this morning. I had a total sleep of something like 14 hours.
When I got up today, Sunday, I knew I had to do better. I had to actively push myself and occupy myself so that I didn't end up thinking about how much I miss my wife.
I cleaned the house first thing. Then I decided on grocery shopping and taking a long walk. Someone very dear to me taught me that everything is better with fun socks, so I put on fun socks for my walk. I decided to listen to my nutritionist's podcast while I walked so that I would have a positive influence instead of letting my mind just drift into the negativity.
Afterwards, I cooked a healthy meal of baked cod fish and peas and carrots.
Today was a better day, but it is going to be a long ten days starting tomorrow. I know I will continue to have a bumpy week because the vulnerability of my grief leads to my mind distracting me with SH, suicidal ideations and memories and triggers of the abuse I survived as a child and through out growing up.
I really need to process my emotions about the loss of my wife too. It is so hard to push myself into the emotional well inside me when I fear my PTSD will emerge too.
How can I seperate these things so that I can do and feel what I need to during this anni day?
I have doctor appointments like every four days, between my PCDoc, therapist, psychiatrist and nutritionist so I have a safe space for venting with supervision. Funny, I hate doctor appointments but right now they are a saving grace. I even made sure to book my nutritionist for the 19th so that on the anni day I am with the professional that seems to be helping me the most with my grief and PTSD .
and of course, I wont take any time out of work because I am safe at work too.
Exercise helps control the brain chemistry, so along with trying to walk this week, I am also starting to take pilates once a week early morning before work.
And just to occupy more time, I even made evening appointment this week for having my eyes checked and get new glasses.
I had been reducing my meds that I take at night to sleep and to not have nightterrors but now I might have to increase them again until I get past this anni day.
all of this makes me feel very vulneralbe and I hate feeling that way~
If any of you have ways of keeping yourself distracted so that your PTSD symptoms don't rule your days, please feel free to share them here if you want to. I can use the creative imput.
thanks for listening~
I am a heart patient and have been very active on a support message board for my type of disease. I have been very vocal as a patient advocate, because I was so screwed over by the military, and I have attracted others coming to the board looking for patient experiences. I have helped out five groups of doctors so far and just finished up a project this morning for another doctor working for...
I woke up this morning and I was so scared of I know not what. Palpitations, stomach churning usual things, except that for the 1st time ever my lip was quivering. I managed to get moving and did some housework, now its the afternoon, although my lip isnt quivering I am nervy to say the least of it. The day is dragging on and on.