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My friend got me some books for my birthday. I decided to crack the first one open and read a bit before bed. Im trying to do more calming things before I go to sleep. Im hoping that will help.
Within the first 3 pages there was a scene of the main character--who is 6--playing a game called "choo-choo" with another boy her age. She's the tunnel and he's the train, which basically means he crawls under her legs and sticks his head up her skirt.
I don't know where the author was going with this--because it deeply bothered me, and I stopped reading-and the book series is supposed to be mystery/comedy, so I don't think it was leading anywhere horribly dark. But it felt like too much of a violation to me to keep reading.
I'm frustrated that I've been so sensitive to things lately. And I feel bad, but I want nothing to do with those books or that book series anymore. She bought me the 1st 4 books in the series. And I just want to throw them away....at the same time, I feel like maybe I should hang on to them. Because maybe I'll get to a point where it doesn't bother me. But I really don't want to. I even feel uncomfortable having them in my room. I want them out of my house so I don't have to think of those words on that page and the child that didn't understand or know better.
The child that didn't realize what was happening was wrong. Who was clueless and complacent in abuse....because she simply didn't understand. Didnt have the words. And because no one told her that this was wrong...they just assumed she knew.
Wtf. How can a paragraph in a book fuck me up so bad? Seriously. I dont like being so sensitive to everything...
And I know my friend meant well. She loves this series and wanted to share it with me. What am I supposed to say when she asks if I've read it, or what I think? "Sorry but the first 3 pages triggered me so I decided to throw all of them away?" How shitty is that?
Arg....this sucks.
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I seriously do not see how things coukd ever get better. Its one thing after the other. Now, instead of just dealing with god awful pain and mixed states all the time, i was told i likely have serotonin storm thanks to painkillers. So, not only do i have nothing to stop this pain, but now i need to taper off of my antidepressant, and yes is it causing withdrawal. I honestly can not take this much...
For the well-intentioned folks who have given me such books, articles and movies, I find open honesty to be the best approach. Sometimes the honesty even leads to healing measures and/or stronger bonds.
For what it's worth, I *think*.... It's not about *you* having a problem ------ it is about a problem, and you dealt with it. There are authors I won't read if you pay me. it may be "oversensitive" of both of us, but we're allowed to make judgment calls about what's okay for us and what's not. It's nice of your friend to buy you the books, to share her enjoyment, but it doesn't mean you have to enjoy them....
And if they're really a friend, she'll be okay with it. Happens with my bffs sometimes. They like a book series or a whole genre and I can't get on board, for my reasons, and they don't' like some of my things b/c of their reasons, and taht's fine. Friendship is like that.
Purrs of support.
In my opinion you aren't overreacting. I'd react the same way, but instead of throwing the books out I'd be tempted to shred or burn them. So, you're not alone in thinking maybe something like that didn't need to be printed.
As far as what you tell your friend who meant well..... depending on how much you feel like sharing with that particular friend tell them anything from the whole situation on one end of the spectrum to the more general "I tried to read them but they're just not for me" on the other end, whatever best fits with the rest of your friendship..
Sorry you ran into something so triggering.
Wishing you peace and strength.
I have been known to read books with subject matter that is triggering to me. Sometimes I do it to see if I can handle it, that usually doesn't end well. There was one book I was reading, then I cheated and went to the end, finding out one of the main characters died. That wrecked me for DAYS. Basically if the book resembles any of my horrible childhood or old habits I am trying to break, I should not be reading it as it causes me undue stress that messes me up for days/weeks due to being triggered.
I would just explain to your friend that the beginning triggered you to the point where you don't want to continue reading the book series. Maybe give them back to her or donate the books if anywhere is accepting books? I'm sorry, triggers are no fun at all.
Sending love and support <3
I spent most my life being battered by and controlled by my own triggers.
AS far as what to do with the books? I would package them and return them to the friend that gifted them to you. Tell her how much you appreciated her gift and the thought and effort behind it. Depending on if they know of your trauma or how much you want to reveal, if you prefer to be vague be vague. "It reminded me quickly of trauma i experienced and I can not enjoy them, please give them to someone else who you think can?" This is of course just an idea.
Your post was difficult to read, even painful. There was a time it would have triggered me. It is healthy though for you to write about it and also healthy for me to read it.
You are not "overly sensitive." What you are is wounded. The things that we call triggers, point out our wounds. It is our spirit's way of revealing to us where we need to heal.
I was burned in 1995. While my body was burning i was screaming. During my months in the burn unit there were weeks of daily wound cleaning to prevent infection. Even pumped full of morphine, when they cleaned my wounds I screamed. Those wounds were physical, and obvious and I bear the scars physically.
When i chose to face the abuse I endured it was horrifying. I did alot of screaming then too. The truth is, confronting my abuse head on, facing all my triggers, talking through each of them was the most brutal healing i have ever experienced.
It has taken me over twelve hours to write this. It has been disturbing, but also healthy. It has reminded me of how much I have overcome. IT has also answered questions i have had about why i have been struggling so much since hurricane Delta. It is about helplessness. I was helpless when i was abused. I was helpless when i was burned. I was helpless during both hurricanes Laura and Delta. Truth is, I was pretty helpless in many ways up till i was 36, because it was only then I had finally taken control of myself back from the predator(s) that hurt me.
There is a paragraph that you wrote, that bothers me more than the rest. I think this paragraph is about you. Maybe not, but it fits me so precisely it...shocked me.
"The child that didn't realize what was happening was wrong. Who was clueless and complacent in abuse....because she simply didn't understand. Didnt have the words. And because no one told her that this was wrong...they just assumed she knew. "
I didn't realize what was happening was wrong. I was clueless and complacent in abuse...because I simply didn't understand. Didn't have the words. And because no one told me that this was wrong...they just assumed I knew.
Writing that. Feeling that again. That was me for 36 years. (or at least 32) My therapist showed me I was blaming myself, and my parents. He asked me who in their right mind blames a child for being abused? What I think now is, children are helpless, hell often even adults can be forced into helpless situations. I did know it was wrong, she controlled me and terrified me, brutalized me, tortured me and forced me.
Fast forward 21 years. 20 years free of drug abuse, free of self injury, free of suicidal thinking (only came back after Delta) and 20 years of thinking much healthier than the way i used to. I am still not good at being gentle or kind to myself. Part of my recent struggles was shock of feeling like i was thrown right back where I used to be. The suicidal thoughts feelings and desires i thought were behind me forever.
I have to thank you for sharing this. It has forced me to remember what i have overcome. Compared to that, where i am now is not nearly as difficult as what i have been through.
It makes sense to me sweetie.....xo