Ok this is my first time joining an online support group, but i am out of options here. I have tried nearly everything i could think of. Someone once told me that it takes a big man to ask for help. so here goes nothing. I am asking for help now. I am a vet from the iraq war. I am out now but have to deal with the choices that i made each and every day. "My one Mistake" as i call it. Not really ready to tell all the details. For years now i have carried a heavy burden on my shoulders. I have seen doctor after doctor with little to no help. They are all ther to simply grow there own pocket books. I am not sure what to do anymore. I have a wonderful wife and son. I am affraid that if i try to talk with then=m they may look at me differently. I know that sounds crazy but I love my wife so much i am simply afriad to talk to her about this with out the fear that she may see me as a different person or worse leave me because i am not the same man she married six years ago. My days have come to a crawl. I am exhausted and only want to sleep but fight it because every time i go to sleep i relive the oain that haunts me now. I have tried everything that i could think of. In life you only get one chance and I feel that my one chance was traded but something bad that has happened to me. Something that i have to carry with me for the rest of my life. I am not real sure where to even start. So i guess from the begining. It start back when i was a child. I was Sexual abused by my uncle. Cut several time in the groin area. I bare the scares as a remider of the evil that live in my world. This went on for years. Tried asking for help, but as a guy asking for help in this type of issue is hard. I didnt even know as a kid how to ask so i bottled it up and kept it to myself. Later in life i joined the military. Got deployed and came home. Then even more problems thing that happened, things i saw while over there, things i did while over there. To much for one person to bare on my own. At the time I was married to my junior high sweet heart. I asked for help thinking the person that I have spent so much time in my life with would be there to at the very least listen. The response i got pierce my heart with the worst pain i have ever felt. " Its not my problem nor do I care to help. Deal with it on your own" was the response I got. Not shortly after this I filed for divorce. Then I went on to find the love of my life. She is that special kind of person that allows you to say what you want with little to no change in her love for me. I found the right one. Then I was deployed for the second time. Three days after we got married. Life has not given me an easy time. Thats when things got worse for me. After I returned home from the second deployment I was not the same. Even I could tell a difference. I tried asking for help while still in the Army and that proved to be a mistake. It was shown as a sign of weakness in the military. The unit didnt want me to be there anymore and I was placed on orders to change duty stations. Once I arrived at my new duty station i was quickly deployed again to catch up with my Unit of assignment. That makes three for those counting. After I returned home from this one the military discharged me. I was released Honnorable from the military. However I will never be the same person that i was before I joined. I have seen and done thing that i am not proud of. People tell me its ok because i was a soldier doing my job, but I dont feel that way and never will. It has gotten to the point now that i am barley sleeping because of the flash backs and memories from my past. I cant get my thoughts to slow down to even a managable level. To top everything off i dont fell comfortable talking to my family for the fear of rejection by them. I have tried everything that i could think of. So if anyone out there has any suggestions I am open for everything. Please let me know what i should do. Doctors dont really help for me. The last three i have spoken with quite after talking with me. One even blamed me for him quiting his profession. So if you know of anything that i could try please let me know. Thanks
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