For most of my life, I've lived under the radar. While I was a high achieving student ...3.8 GPA and valedictorian in high school ... I did not go onto college out of high school.
I went into waitressing and working in a grocery store.
I took the easiest way that I could. I never saw how the trauma's I'd been through might be playing a role in that road.
The trauma's continued in my life, probably sealing my determination to fly under the radar.
At the age of 25, I had my first child, but also became VERY sick, with myasthenia gravis and lupus. I wound up having to go on disability and was out of the work force. It's hard to be a waitress when you're that sick. And when you have no real work skills ...you can't get them when you're that sick.
Fast forward to 36, I entered treatment for an eating disorder. Without realizing it, I started to make steps to improve my life, and my life situation!
What feels like suddenly (but in fact, has been 6 years) I've managed to get my family a house through Habitat for Humanity and now I have a book that has been published!
While I should be jumping up and down for joy and excited ... I am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED ..knock down drag out ... panic attack ... I'm going to screw this up ... waiting for the other shoe to drop and if it doesn't am I going to be the one to throw it across the room ... can't breathe when I need to be breathing ... TERRIFIED ....
My psychiatrist suggested that it is the PTSD that is causing me to feel this way ...and maybe we need to work through it.
It kind of made sense. So I thought I might want to learn something about it.