
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

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I have ptsd from childhood sexual abuse among other things. It was two cousins. One is still around and he sometimes shows up for xmas with our family. He is never really invited as far as I know but his mother is. I really never know from year to year if he will be there or not. Talking with my therapist she wants me to tell my parent (it is their home we meet at for xmas) that I do not want him around. I think that would be great. I really don't want to see him. It would be better for me if I didn't. But at the same time I don't want to cause trouble at the holidays. I really want to say if he is invited then I won't come but then he wins and I don't get to see my family. If I make a scene if he shows up then he knows what he did still has an effect on me, he wins. I also put my parents in the position to tell my aunt her son is not welcome. And she may not even know or remember what happened to me. Aaarrrgh!
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If it is a big crowd and your parents' place is large, it could be possible for both of you to be there and not have to interact with one another. If the gathering is smaller and more intimate, then you have the problem of not being able to avoid him.
The biggest issue is what will seeing him do to you at this point in your recovery. You need to look at it from ONLY this perspective, and now about who wins and who loses. This is just one Christmas in a lifetime of Christmases to follow, so if you miss this one because you need the time to heal, it is YOU who wins.
If your relationship with your parents is such that you can talk to them about this, I think that your therapist is right. It may be as simple as you telling them that you have to stay away because you are still at a point in your recovery where seeing your cousin could cause a serious setback, and promise them that as soon as you are healthy enough, you will make a special time with them, preferably without the full crush of the holiday crowd.
It is no wonder that there are more stress related illnesses and deaths during the holiday period. Things like this are a type of stress that nobody in trauma recovery needs.
You have a right to your parents and their support. Hold onto that right and ask. If they refuse, then we go from there, right? Until then, it's all hypothetical. I find concrete is so much easier to build a foundation on. ;)
While Hannah's advice about talking to your parents is right on target, one thing I would like to point out is that abusers typically ARE nice people and loved by everyone. They are extremely adept at keeping the abuse behind closed doors and making the victim believe that everyone in the world loves them (the abuser). WHen an abuser is "outed," the common reaction from family, friends and the public in general is shock and disbelief unless, of course, they were one of the direct victims of the abuse. If an abuser were easy to pick out, there would be no victims. Usually it is only the victims, their advocates and professionals who work with them that are able to fully understand this paradox of personality.
your cousin is the one who caused trouble, not you. you have a right to not have to see him.
if you make a scene, YOU win. for exposing a sick criminal.
And even though I ignored him, he kept cal ling me and messaging me and making me feel bad. He used to give me heaps of gifts and it was like owed him something.
But I was always scared he would come round to my house when I was there, dreaded his phone calls and messages. I decided to tell mum and dad. So they would know why I had avoided him. And also so they could make sure he stayed away from me. I'm not sure what will happen come Christmas time. Cos there is a family thing, but not one that anyone controls the guest list of. We meet at a park and celebrate there. But maybe they could ask him not to come. Cos I don't want to be near him and pretend like everything is ok. Cos unless I tell people, it looks likei'm the one who has been a bitch by not being his friend. But he's the one who betrayed me. Still, it feels like in order to defend myself i am defending him as well and he doesn't deserve that. I haven't seen his mum (my aunt). I feel sorry and embarrassed for her cos her son is a creep. one of the reasons i was scared to tell was because i was scared people wouldn't believe me. or would think i made it up.
Mum was supportive and wished i'd told her sooner. dad doesn't want to deal with it, and is still all friendly with him and that hurts. i guess i thought he'd defend me or be angry at what he did. loooks like i was wrong. but then, dad did some dodgey stuff himself so maybe i shouldn't be so surprised.
take care xo
think if it was your kid. would you want them to suffer more on top of what already happened to them? your parents will have to adjust a little in order to deal with it, sure, but it's july-- you've plenty of time before the holidays.
i hope that you resolve this in a way that is good for you. be gentle with yourself.