This is a hard thing to give any advise on since we are so limited in information. There are so many scenarios, depending on your yearly get-togethers, that makes it hard.

If it is a big crowd and your parents' place is large, it could be possible for both of you to be there and not have to interact with one another. If the gathering is smaller and more intimate, then you have the problem of not being able to avoid him.

The biggest issue is what will seeing him do to you at this point in your recovery. You need to look at it from ONLY this perspective, and now about who wins and who loses. This is just one Christmas in a lifetime of Christmases to follow, so if you miss this one because you need the time to heal, it is YOU who wins.

If your relationship with your parents is such that you can talk to them about this, I think that your therapist is right. It may be as simple as you telling them that you have to stay away because you are still at a point in your recovery where seeing your cousin could cause a serious setback, and promise them that as soon as you are healthy enough, you will make a special time with them, preferably without the full crush of the holiday crowd.

It is no wonder that there are more stress related illnesses and deaths during the holiday period. Things like this are a type of stress that nobody in trauma recovery needs.

Put yourself first. You need to heal. They're your parents. Your aunt can make another choice and so can her son.

You have a right to your parents and their support. Hold onto that right and ask. If they refuse, then we go from there, right? Until then, it's all hypothetical. I find concrete is so much easier to build a foundation on. ;)

I am pretty sure you could manage to get round this one. It is a big deal to you but is probably not a big deal to your parents. If you do not want to tell your parents or Aunt of the abuse cant you just say to your parents that you really do not like him and that he upsets you and makes you uncomfortable. I am willing to bet that others feel that way about him too as abusers are not usually nice people. Your parents can then make some sort of socially acceptable excuse not to have him there.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I really do need to talk to my parents first and go from there. Luckily they are the type that I can go to for support. Thanks!

Feral, count yourself blessed that you have understanding parents.

While Hannah's advice about talking to your parents is right on target, one thing I would like to point out is that abusers typically ARE nice people and loved by everyone. They are extremely adept at keeping the abuse behind closed doors and making the victim believe that everyone in the world loves them (the abuser). WHen an abuser is "outed," the common reaction from family, friends and the public in general is shock and disbelief unless, of course, they were one of the direct victims of the abuse. If an abuser were easy to pick out, there would be no victims. Usually it is only the victims, their advocates and professionals who work with them that are able to fully understand this paradox of personality.

don't worry about "causing trouble.

your cousin is the one who caused trouble, not you. you have a right to not have to see him.

if you make a scene, YOU win. for exposing a sick criminal.

How did you go with telling your parents about your cousin? I was faced with a similar dilema recently. My cousin sexually assaulted me and I didn't know what to do.
And even though I ignored him, he kept cal ling me and messaging me and making me feel bad. He used to give me heaps of gifts and it was like owed him something.

But I was always scared he would come round to my house when I was there, dreaded his phone calls and messages. I decided to tell mum and dad. So they would know why I had avoided him. And also so they could make sure he stayed away from me. I'm not sure what will happen come Christmas time. Cos there is a family thing, but not one that anyone controls the guest list of. We meet at a park and celebrate there. But maybe they could ask him not to come. Cos I don't want to be near him and pretend like everything is ok. Cos unless I tell people, it looks likei'm the one who has been a bitch by not being his friend. But he's the one who betrayed me. Still, it feels like in order to defend myself i am defending him as well and he doesn't deserve that. I haven't seen his mum (my aunt). I feel sorry and embarrassed for her cos her son is a creep. one of the reasons i was scared to tell was because i was scared people wouldn't believe me. or would think i made it up.

Mum was supportive and wished i'd told her sooner. dad doesn't want to deal with it, and is still all friendly with him and that hurts. i guess i thought he'd defend me or be angry at what he did. loooks like i was wrong. but then, dad did some dodgey stuff himself so maybe i shouldn't be so surprised.

take care xo

This is a far out there thought but I just wondered, what if you approached your cousin, told him to stop coming because you didn't want to see his punk face, and if he didn't you would tell his mother what he did to you. And tell him you really don't give two shits about him or how much pain you cause him or anyone else. Do you think he has enough sense to stay away if you put it to him like that, even if it is a bluff on your part?

hon, compared to what you went through the discomfort of your parents having to deal with your aunt is minor. very minor. you have a right to be comfortable in your family's home during the holidays. having to stuff down emotions, which are a perfectly reasonable reaction to the things that happened to you when you were little, is completely unfair to you-- especially given what you have gone through already.

think if it was your kid. would you want them to suffer more on top of what already happened to them? your parents will have to adjust a little in order to deal with it, sure, but it's july-- you've plenty of time before the holidays.

i hope that you resolve this in a way that is good for you. be gentle with yourself.

It'd be so good to confront him, to be able to stand up to him and make him back off. Cos if you told him that, he'd be out of his tiny mind if he took a chance that you were bluffing. He'd lose his reputation, his family's respect and all that. I'm hoping I'll one day be strong enough to do that, but at the moment I don't see how. At the moment I feel I'm the weak one, reacting to what he says or does. And that just sucks. And we shouldn't have to miss out on special times with family when we've already had to suffer at the hands of someone we should be able to trust.