i am happy today for the first time in so long,, goes like this fifteen years ago when i had breast cancer and 7 surgeries to save my life many good things happened , not like the last trauma, this one brought love concern empathy tons of support,, hmm says alot for the human race , rape brought judgement hate fear poison rejection anger,,, cancer brought love what a screwed up values system, bottom line an LPGA pro came into my life and after each surgery met me at the golf drving range she became a lifeline and helped me get back to the classroom we took lessons all the way up until the tragic move out of my beloved house i have not been able to touch or look at my clubs snce i went through that tragedy and moved to this HE ,,, hole,, and i dont want to be seen it is strange,, aging homophobia a bad scene in general what ever it is it is ,, that said , today for the first time in three years i went to golf smith after dropping dog off to get a bath,,, i got this young guy to set me up with the computer that measures distance, he walked away i am thinking bad thoughts ie you old person give it up golf sucks you cant play you are a wanna be you cant even go to the dentist or doctor,, self hate all over the place,, and to my amazement after hitting the dang ball all over the computer screen i hit a drive straight true 241 yards not bad for a sixty year old with screwed up shoulders from surgery i heard OMG wow behind me it was the young guy whose gf had cancer at 28 the sales guy and a man with his son , the boy said OMG you are good, i said not bad for a sixty year old lady and i said see when you have your top off you have good aerodynamics they laughed heartily,, i joke at myself actually the day i had my last surgery i took my shirt off and jumped int the deep end of my pool i am a warrior my doc told me you did not want those anyway so did my asshole brother but man life is easier without that baggage i always secretly wanted to be a boy and i know my doc knew that bottom line is this maybe i am transgender maybe i am a rainbow and maybe alal of the above but it is what it is and today God gave this person who has suffered alot in this lifetime CPTSD what ever i am healing may be slow maybe inches i will take it , today i got a little of my passion for life back ,, 3 sets of clubs well one of them wont be sold on craigs list,, thanks for being there for me family warrior survivor thriver,, freedom,,, well working on it and the guirtar player dude at starbux was very nice so was everybody i met today and i did not sense even an ounce of homophobia transphobia whatever or judged in any way so when i do feel it i am not being oversensitive i have just had that s,,,, for 60 years i think i know by now when someone is prejudice i guess i have to love em amyway that is what my faith says , yup but so so hard to love those you want to hate back but i am really not a hater , i could hide when i was a teacher but not so much now ,, i have to accept all of me , and pray one day i am good with that in this chapter ,,,, what they think of me is none of my business as my sponsor says easier said than done she is straight there is a special pain when someone looks right through you and you know what they are saying just read hate forums on GLBT thanks for listening not a bad sunday all in all
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