Hi there lovely people,I'm new to this group however I'm not sure if I have PTSD but my bf thinks I do. Iv been through a lot of trauma in my life,I'm only 25.I was born prem and nearly died 8 times in hospital,I was in hospital in special care for the first year of my life.My parents couldnt hold me because I was too sick.My mum couldnt hold me for the first four hours after my birth partly because she was severely depressed.I came out of hospital only to return a few months later for another long stint and nearly died again.When I was five i was still very sick but did manage to go to primary school but was bullied to the point of abuse. I was sexually abused by my Dad and a boy at my school,this went on for three years.I was emotionally and physically abused at school as well and was often suicidal.I witnessed domestic violence by my uncle when I was 10 towards his wife.When I was 13 my parents moved from NZ to the UK and i went with them,we lived in a house where they looked after an elderly man with Alzheimer and his wife.He was often violent and hard to be around,the wife was very controlling.I became so depressed and sick that I left and returned to NZ when I was 17.I still suffered from depression,panic attacks and self harm.I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 20 and medicated. I stared having flash backs about my dad and became very nervous around people.Then three years ago I was attacked and raped by a guy I was going out with.I ended up pregnant and lost the baby. I have been having a hard time lately with feelings and am looking to see a councilor.My bf thinks I have PTSD because I have periods of time when I become emotionally numb,depressed and suicidal,extreme mood swings from mania to deep depression.Its the numbness that I can't stand any more... i keep pushing memories away and try to forget about them.I have been fairly well for the past year with no major episodes until last week when I went into a hypo manic episode then I crashed down and got really depressed.At the moment I keep going into rages,very agitated,depressed at night and fleeting numbness. My bf keeps bring up the issue about the rape...i know i should get help but im too scared because the last time i tried i nearly attacked the councilor.