To get the kind of care I need I need to move back to where I grew up, of all places. Moving by itself is tough enough but going back to the place where all the abuse took place has me tied up in knots yet in my gut it feels like the right thing to do. Right now I'm trying to deal with perfect strangers (all men) pawing through all of my personal belongings to pack them up. I can't do it myself but I still feel violated. It feels wrong at every level. My rational mind tells me they are professionals and have seen everything to begin with but my real self is full of anxiety and panic. The ever present flashbacks are of the worst of the worst that happened to me. Moving back to the scene of the crime sends up the paranoia red flag. Just so many strong emotions. I need to be focusing on my surgery and the chemo and radiation therapy that's coming up at the end of the month. How do I focus on that when all this PTSD crap is escalating? I still won't have any family or friends there to help me through this. I won't even have my therapist. I feel so alone. It's pretty bad when on the hospital admission papers next of kin is my lawyer who has my living will and will. I'm scared to death and desperately need a hug. There's a part of me that doesn't want to make it through the surgery. That would be a good way to go. Just go to sleep and never wake up.
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