I know what is happening to me, I've been here before. I've no issues in talking to the doctor I have only just today sent an email to a support group that I've been to before for some talking therepy, I dont right now feel that it will help but deep down I know that it is what i need to be doing. It's my partner I can't talk to, it feels weird because we have always had such a good and close relationship but right now and for the past 8wks I have felt I cant tell him anything. Its like I cant trust him with what feels like such fragile information, it's like if I admit to feeling the way I do he has an upper hand on me or something which is stupid I know. I have tried to tell family how I'm feeling but it just doesnt seem to come out or if it does i dont think they are really understanding what i am saying, but what part of I am struggeling emotionally with things doesnt mean exactly what I am saying. My nan told me to not go down that path again, like it was a choice and a burden on her, she wasnt around when I was unwell 7years ago so I dunno what she is going on about. I'm fed up of walking around with hot eyes from crying, and I hate that when ever someone walks into the room I just cheer up and act as tho I am someone else when inside I am screaming for them to notice the redness of my eyes, I look like shit well I think I do but everyone keeps telling me I look exhausted and when I say i am it ends there. Everyone seems so quick to jump in and start telling me there problems, cant find an outfit for sat night, havent got enough money to get my nails done, gotta go to work on my day off, ok it might feel like a big deal to them but i feel like screaming in their face Well boo hoo I hate myself and my life right now but feel so guilty because i should be feeling really happy, and it tears me apart that I'm not enjoying the most preciious things in my life and thats my children. My baby is 8wks old I'm so lucky to have her after losing a baby and having to have major surgery i was told I may not have another baby and here she is i look at her and she is a miricle, I try so hard to concentrate on that I smile and play with my children but it feels like i am on auto pilot and when I am on my own i cry and it hurts deeply and i cant find the answers and i'm so angry for being this way. I feel like I am fighting a losing battel and I am doing it alone. I keep asking why and how my partner cant see it, i gear myself up to tell him and i end up saying something like i seen this advert on tv today..... I dont wanna feel like this and I know I feel so beaten by it because that is part of the illness but even with the knowleadge I have to understand it I dont.
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