Hi gals. I'm new to the site, and to the group, but I could really use some words from someone else who actually, you know, understands what it is that I'm going through. No one else in my family has PCOS (which I'm thankful for, as I wouldn't wish this on anyone), and it's hard to not really have anyone to talk to. My mother tries to be supportive, but, well...she tends to preach and lecture, and she just really does not understand.

So...this is mostly just me talking to get things off my chest to someone who "gets it", but some kind words and advice are greatly appreciated, but just knowing someone will read this helps.

I was diagnosed with PCOS 5 years ago (when I was 15), but I've been 'bigger' my whole life. My mother and I discussed it and we believe that there's a distinct possibility that I've had thyroid problems my whole life, as my weight would fluctuate constantly as a child, though it was primarily a steady gain, even though I ate 150% healthier than most of my friends and exercised just as much.

Until I was diagnosed with PCOS, I blamed myself and just thought that if I could stop eating and starve myself, I wouldn't be "such a cow" as the kids at school put it. To be honest, no matter how much I tell myself it's not my fault, and my mom and husbands (I'm polyamorous) tell me this, I still feel like I'm to blame. Like maybe if I'd done a few more sit ups and skipped a few more meals, I wouldn't be this way. I know it's not true, and I don't think this way abut anybody else, but, well...I just keep wondering if I damned myself.

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Great, more pills to take. But, hey, at least it would help, right? Things seemed to be, eh, alright, but I was still packing on weight, no matter what, my periods were still hit and miss, and everything was a mess. My back constantly ached, but I never mentioned it to my doctor, because I thought I was just being a weakling (Note: It takes a lot for me to complain about pain, as I dealt with severe gallbladder attacks for about a year when I was 13).

Well, a few days before my 18th birthday, 3 days after I started my Freshman year of college, I realized I couldn't just keep hiding the fact that it hurt. I hurt so bad from lugging around around text books that I literally almost threw up in class. Not good. So, I went to my doctors to see what could be done. He scheduled X-Rays for a few days later, and when the results came in, I got pretty much the worst news of my life to date: At 18, I had the spine of a 65 year old woman, and the damage can't be fixed, because my spine is slowly collapsing on itself because of the pressure of my weight. My family already has spinal deterioration (a fact my doctor is well aware of, as he treated both my aunts, my grandmother, mother, etc.), so throw in the fact that I'm 350 lbs at 5'3", and well, I'm screwed.

Now...here's where this turns into super rant, because there is a list of things that are eating at me, some that I can't even explain, and I don't know if I can deal with it. I really don't know if I'm that strong.

I can't even remember the last time I had my period. I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to bear my own kids. I've been dealing with severe depression since I was 12-13ish, though I'm not sure if it's depression or bi polar, as one minute I'll be laughing, and the next I'll feel like curling up and dying. My back is ripping me apart, and I'm getting married on the 27th, and I can't even help with most of the preparations. My mom is doing everything and recruiting family to help, but I can't even do much of anything but clean up her house for her so she can focus on the wedding prep, and even that takes me much longer than a normal person because I can only stand a few minutes without feeling like my back is going to shatter. I can sleep for 8 hours, even 10, and I'm still tired. Then, when I try to go to sleep early to compensate for oversleeping, I can't fall asleep for two, three, even four hours. Then, I sleep for 10 hours, and well, you can imagine. My immune system is thrashed right now (I'm anemic, though I'm not sure if it's just natural anemia or if it's a side affect of the hypothyroidism, but I've been anemic since I was 11), and to top it off, I keep getting sick.

I've got severe social anxiety and I don't know if it comes from being depressed or whatever, or if it's just hating being around people because I've been told what a cow I am for so many years and I'm terrified of people judging me. I just really don't know. All I know is that I reached an all time low in my social anxiety when I literally started shaking and almost burst into tears when a store manager was rude to me in Wal Mart.

And, to top it off, right now, I am totally and utterly screwed in all directions: I lost medicaid when I turned 19, and then my doctor removed me as a patient because he got miffed at my mother for not letting his nurse bully my grandmother, so when my prescriptions ran out for my meds, I couldn't get them refilled, nor can I afford the doctor visit to get a new prescription written. So, I've been out of my thyroid medication and my birth control since April. My hormones are screaming and I am getting so tired of trying to hold back my emotions and be "okay".

I want so freaking badly to go back to college, but I know if I do, I am going to crash and burn, and I don't want to screw up. I want to be able to walk into class and do my best, and not be afraid to be near people, or feel like I'm going to be sick from pain, or burst out crying because I'm so depressed.

Would you believe someone actually made me cry my 2nd week of college? Yeah, I know, I was disappointed in myself, too.

I've been through some rough stuff in my life, and I pride myself in being able to say "I survived". I expect more of myself than pretty much anyone in my life, but right now....I just want to be able to live my life.

I still rely on the people in my life to take care of me because, of course, I don't have any qualifications for anything other than fast food or physical labor work, and I can't stand for more than 10 minutes without having to hunch over to keep my back from screaming. I hate more than anything not being able to take care of myself. I want to change the world and help people, but I can't even help myself.

I just feel..so hopeless.

So, I guess...I just want to know: Can I do this? Can I really cope with all this and come out on the other side?

There's more to my life than just this stuff, but...this and trying to deal with my husband immigrating are probably the two largest burdens, and honestly...I just feel like I'm going to fail. And how much worse can it get than failing at your own life?

Thanks in advance, and I'm sorry this was so long. I just feel...trapped.