I am seperated from my second husband for 3 weeks now and have moved back to Maryland to reestablish my relationship with my daughters. They have been very loving but very guarded. Afraid to trust me i think. Well, last night we got into a heavy conversation and they told me how mad they are at me for ever being in a relationship with my abuser. They say it is my fault they feel abandoned and not loved because i chose to be with him even when i knew he had issues early on in the relationship. It absolutely killed me to hear this and to see the pain they have been carrying inside for so long. My oldest also said it set a terrible example for her on finding a good relationship and she didn't respect me for the choices i made. Ladies i am so crushed inside you have no idea. The little bit of strength i had in me was lost last night. You see they have every right to feel that way and the damage i did to them is terrible. I am telling you guys this cause if anyone is deciding whether to leave or not this is a perfect example of how the children are permanently scarred from our decisions! They also feel that i should hate him and can't understand or fathom how i could have ANY contact with him at all other than to tell him what a piece of shit he is. They don't want to read about abuse or try and understand they have their own issues to deal with and they just want me to hate him and get my life back together. They said, and i am crying right now, that they want their mom back!!! My oldest daugther is effected the most, she has an eating disorder and struggles with feeling loved every day. She had a terrible emotional abusive relationship for 4 years and that and my issues have made her a mess. The guilt i feel is indescribable. My heart is so broken right now because i really am to blame for a lot of this mess. I don't know if i can forgive myself. They still love me and want me in their lives but my issues have a serious effect on them. I hope this helps someone out there trying to decide whether to get out or not. The long term effects it will have on your kids, at least in my case is HUGE. Gotta find a way to pick myself up and earn their respect back, right now i feel so miserable but i will do my best to make them proud.
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