I've made these plans to leave. Some of them fell through, some of them got derailed. But I still plan, I still fantasize about living a peace filled life, with the possibilty that love may exist out there somewhere. That not every man is looking to see how much they can take from you, how much they can control you, use you and hurt you. I still have that dream. But for some reason, I stay. I don't dream about him ever turning into that man. I've given up on that dilusion a long time ago. I don't even remember ever having loved him. I've feared him, I've hated him...I've even been indifferent to him......but love???? The closest thing was knowing that I have tried to love him. Those are the worst times. Those are the times when he's physically and verbally clobbered me. I've tried so many times, I've given up. I have this wall that never comes down, and I am paralyzed. I know what he does/says is wrong....yet I stay. I know I will never be able to be vulnerable as long as I am with him....yet I stay. I know that if he thought there would be no consequence, he would be worse than before....yet I stay. I know that he is uncapable of love....yet I stay. I wonder, at which point do I lose the right to claim that I am a victim, and have to take ownership that I have become a willing participant?
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