So I have been discussing with my ex our issues and what needs to change, he wants to move back in not intimately just roomates, I know this is probably a bad idea but we cannot afford for him to live elsewhere. I have told him if he wants to live here or have any relationship at all for the kids sake he has to go to counseling and listen and "hear" what my issues are and how he treats me. So last night he went through his list of what my part was, not doing the laundry, being stressed out over the kids and asking for help, not taking my responsibilities seriously because I get stressed out. So your basic issues that all mothers go through, I told him if that is all I had to deal with on your part I would be over joyed, so I told him all the things he does to hurt me and what needs to change: making me feel invisible and unimportant he even has said it blatantly on many occasions I do not matter only the kids, making me feel guilty for everything ie being stressed out and asking for help makes me inadequate and "not living up to my responsibilities", Trying to humiliate me and look bad in front of others he used to wait till we got to his parents house to yell and berate me about something he was mad about in front of them, twisting my words around to my friends to make me look bad, beating me down so hard emotionally when I crack use that as an advantage to further torture me that is what it feels like. These are the things I told him, of course there is much much more and you can never fully explain how you felt and how bad it was. So he admitted to doing these things of course to a point, admitted that he is a narcisist he enjoys reading and learning about spychology has even admitted to manipulating therapy in the past. So now he says he knows his actions were wrong and even though he does not think the way he thinks is wrong (being a narcisist) he should change his behaviour and not be dismissive and alienate others. He says he will start therapy and be honest, he says he can be honest because he doesn't think he is wrong in his thinking, but he will try to change his behaviour. I said how can you when you do not see what you are doing is affecting me and others, he may want to change but he is incapable of feeling empathy for me or seeing fault in what he is doing. From what I have read the narcisist abuser would have to almost be totally be rewired for any real change to come. So am I crazy for thinking maybe he can change his behaviour, am I crazy for even having this conversation with him, and why now does he want to change and see what he does to hurth me?
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I guess I'll start with a question. Do you know that you are in an abusive relationship when you are? I guess a better way to ask may be. Did you see the abuse while in the relationship or did it hit you after the relationship ended?
That's just as important as it is on the discussion posts! More so for those who don't participate in groups!