When i met my first husband he was lovely, charming and i thought the right one for me, we married and i fell pregnant with our first child, all seemed ok except he was no good with money, when our daughter was less than a year old he decided that he wanted another child and i fell pregnant straight away, the first time he hit me i was 4 months pregnant, he hit me so hard around the face he managed to knock both of my earrings out, then he said it was my fault, i pushed him to it,he broke down in tears, promised it would never happen again, it did,, then all money stopped i never had even enough to go out and get a coffee, when our second child was born he started taking the pushchair to work with him so i couldn't leave the house, he was so awful to my friends and family they stopped visiting, i started losing weight with all the stress he got worried and thought i was doing it to look good for other men, even though i never saw any! so he decided he wanted another child, for once i refused, i woke up during the night with him on top of me and baby no 3 was conceived baby no 2 was only 5 months old i was well and truly trapped' i had no money i knew no one i had nowhere to go, then 18 months later there was a knock at the door, it was someone who worked with him but didn't like him and he decided to tell me about an affair my husband had been having for over 2 years,something clicked after 5 years of abuse that was the last straw and i took the children and went into a hostel, that chistmas we didn't have much but i was happier than i had been for years, i found the confidence i had lost and me and the kids were happy,, move on 3 years and i met my current husband, he was funny, kind, loving, a great role model and father figure for my children, we took things slowly i tried to make sure i knew him well and eventually i agreed to marry him and move 150 miles away from all my friends as he had a good job here, he promised to take me home for regular visits, i have been back twice in over 3 years, he is emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive, he calls me names swears at me, i have not had a night out on my own for over 3 years he smashes things up and if i try to walk away from him he holds me down and shouts in my face, i know i am not perfect, i shout back, i try to make him listen but he wont, he keeps on pushing and pushing until i cry or he calms down, realises what he has done then he is full of sorrys says i made him that mad, and if i hadn't done something wrong it wouldn't have happened, everyday is like this, and i mean EVERY day, today i was because i took too long shopping, yesterday it was because the washing was not folded, i dont worry about me, i worry about my children, i uprooted them and brought them here for a new life, they love my husband they love the school they are at, how can i do this to them again, if i leave they will lose there home and we wont know where we will end up, i feel sad, trapped, guilty lost, confused,, how did i manage to get it so wrong twice!!!!!
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question,why is there a pattern to this?It seems that abusive men rush into a relationship full speed sweeping you off your feet,they never move slow and the come on with talking marriage etc,ive noticed this pattern and wonder why they say in books etc that this is a red flag,,does anyone know why this is?