I met my husband my first year of college at college. I decided to study away from home, make sure I found me, and he was a local, 6 years older that had come to college after working hard labor. Things were great in the beginning, did have a little slip up and became pregnant and married all within 9 months of the date I met him. I did miscarry about a month before the wedding, should have stepped back in hindsight, but was in love, of course it was fine.

Anyway, first 5 years were pretty good. I did see his temper on a few occassions, didn't like the comments he made for me to hurry and grieve after my mother died ( was only 19), but really, most happened after our children started to come into the world, 8 years into our marriage. Since then and over time, little things set him off, everything is my fault, been called every name in the book, including a f*** C*** in front of his family when I tried to make a simple suggestion. We fight, he yells, breaks things, has punched holes in walls, yelled in my childs faces and slammed doors if he was woken up by a child in the night. I used to just break down and cry, then I used to yell back, now I just go silent, yelling is not me, I am a quiet person, I've just gone numb.

He has never laid a hand on me until recently, when he blamed me for him being sick (diabetes, runs in his family), and told me he was going to leave, all while he grabbed me and shoved me while he was yelling. Then the next day, the second I walked in after work, didn't say much and he told me to quit feeling sorry for myself, go to sleep and some other stuff. (All in front of my children). I have been feeling like crap over the last several years, like my soul is shriveling up and dying as I can't breathe the right way in his presence, I can't agree or disagree as I don't know where his head is at. He gets mad if I don't like something he does, and then other days gets mad if I don't have my own viewpoint and opinion.

I know I should have walked out years ago, but it's like a roller coaster. Everytime I'm ready to, he turns a little into the man I once fell in love with. Then, it gets tense and starts all over. I have had enough as he has started traveling a lot for his job this past year. After the initial anger of getting into this, realized, I was happy when he wasn't home, and my personality changes when he is. It has given me time to think and unfortunately at the same time, I have been having resetment build in me for years and cannot get incidents out of my head. I don't know where to start, I suggested counseling, but he doesn't think we have a problem. I have a hard time talking to him on most topics, but especially anything regarding money. I resorted to a letter hear and there when I need to get my words out as I know in person, they never come out as intended, or he makes fun of me and my feelings.

Help. Am I delutional or am I just hiding from the truth here? Are things going to get worse? I don't want to end up waiting until myself or worse, my children are physically harmed or mentally and emotionally harmed for life.