I completely understand how you feel, I just left my STBX last week, and everytime I talk to him about the kids or have to see him, my heart breaks...

My ex boyfriend tried to kill me with a 13 inch knife. Before that he was not physically abusive to me .there was no warning! I lived with him for ten years and we have an 8 year old together. His in jail now. this happened june 3 2007. Some days are extremely difficult because I still love him and can't imagine living forever without him. people thik I'm crazy as well. Iknow in my head he's not safe but my heart hasn't caught up. I completely understand

I can relate. I guess I remember the bad things and hope for the good things in a context not involving him. He was suicideal and I went back to him. I talked to him a long time to try and be helpful. I asked if he had a plan and he told me about it. I said he needed to come up with a plan b. He said he could get mad at me and kill me instead. I sort of pushed it aside for a few days then brought it up and he insists he was kidding. It is so traumatic and you share reminded me this is something I need to remember. We got into a stupid argument and have no contact now, one day at a time I want this to end before it gets to yet another new low. yes I know friends do not understand my domestic violence counselor and the support group there and books on the subject and forums like these are how I remain sane and connected.

October,
I have been remarried to a man for 5 years whom I thought didn't exist. He is good to me and I am safe. That is all i care about.
It took me 21 years to get out of the last abusive marriage and I had what people call Battered Wife Syndrome.
I decided everytime i hear myself say i feel sorry for him, I was really sick and that was my signal to myself i am dwelling in the unthinkable. It takes time to undo the thoughts that caused you to think it is okay to be with someone who might act on there threats. But it only takes one time to get hurt or worse. Keep talking to people that understand because hey know how it feels. The others are just not sure why you even go there.

I think everyone coming out of a bad relationship goes through this cycle. We know they are bad for us, but yet we miss them.

I remember after I kicked my abuser out of the house, fully knowing what I was gaining I found I missed him not because of the abuse but because I remember what it was like when we first got together. We miss who they were...not how we ended...I found that by finding things to occupy my time (especially at night!), like writing, knittingr , movies, cleaning (even though it was clean!) made the time go by so much faster and after a while I realized, why should I miss him? He treated me like dirt! Hope this helps.

thanks everyone, for your replies.

it helps to feel a little less alone. xo

October, I think this is the hardest thing for any of us to understand. For those who have never been in this situation and for those of us who have. Why it is that , we could still possibly have any good feelings about our abuser at all? I believe that is one of the reasons we stay, because we are good people who try so hard to focus on the good things in others. None of us would have stayed for a second after the first sign of abuse, physical or otherwise, if we weren't able to hang onto the good memories so vividly. I was with my abuser for 5 1/2 yrs. and have been away from him for almost 3 yrs. It took me awhile to stop missing the good times, it takes a whole process of remembering all of the bad times and exactly how terrified and low we felt. It's like the song by Gloria Gaynor - I will Survive:
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified, kept thinking, I could never live without you by my side,
but then I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong, and I learned how to get along."
I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you, I hope you continue on your path of healing and are able to find the wonderful mate we are all meant to have. This for me, was the final step, realizing I can have wonderful things without terrible attached to it, that I can love someone's whole being and not just parts of them or certain memories. Good luck to you! Hugs, angc

I posted "what you feel may be grief." I've decided I'm going through the grief process for what could have been the most wonderful an fulfilling relationship ever -- that he threw away by being abusive and by drinking. I still feel the same too it's hard day to day.