Keep strong! I have dealt with the silent treatment and criticism so much it does hurt deep down, especially when they don't stop.

Hi cantbreakme ----

Your answer was in the first line of your post:

someone can be abusive without ever hitting or raising their voice

It's called emotional abuse, and you described it in your post, very articulately and graphically.

There are lots of books that can validate that your experience was one of abuse. (Vonnie posted a bibliography of great books, within the last week.)

If I understand your profile --- you left the person you described above? If so, congratulations.

If not, you need to practice meticulous self-care.

Anyway, it's not our fault when we turn around and find that the dream we envisioned is gone with the wind. It's not our fault. They present a fantasy, lure us in, get us hooked, and then pull off the costume and the mask of warmth and love.

Best of luck to you. I hope things go well for you, from here. Maintain healthy boundaries.

Ilene

Here are some facts about emotional abuse..

There is extensive documentation about abuse, abusers, and their behaviours, and the effects of abuse, on the 'abused'..

It is accepted and known that abuse is about 'control'. Which most commonly involves someone controlling anothers emotions and feelings.. Also thir personal rights to respect and acknowledgement, and their personal freedoms.

A common misconception is that emotional abuse has to take the form of a partner yelling over every little thing, belittling or constantly criticizing a partner. Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt.

They can include being very disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgmental, 'joking' insults, lying, repeatedly 'forgetting' promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, 'setting you up', and 'revising' history.

It is well documented that abusers play the push me-pull-you game, threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping deliberately hurtful statements out of the blue, which are fully intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners feel very hurt, insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can see his emotional control in action, and can often then accuse the partner of being 'too needy'. Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk.

Not all emotional abusers criticize their partners directly - sometimes it can be as simple as constantly criticizing how someone keeps a kitchen, or complaining about the mess in the house, or continuous grumbling about the laundry, or complaining about the noise and mess the kids make. He will make her think it is her job to keep him happy, and imply that other things you or others are doing, are the cause and are contributing to his meaness, unhappiness and bad temper.

An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser will be angry and will let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault, and that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.

The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love her (despite all her faults!), and that if she doesn't live up to his expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about control, the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can keep her upset, uncertain, and insecure.

Emotional abusers often expect the rest of the household to live by their waking, sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser can feel justified in getting very angry and 'punishing' the offender. This can include the full battery of emotional abuse and/or passive-aggressive tactics - because in the abuser's mind, the partner or household member 'deserves' it for not caring enough about him to live by his schedules and activity calendar. It is all about him.

Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control'.

llleneW says it all...Can someone be abusive without ever hitting or raising their voice???

The answer to that..Is a big resounding YES...Very much so..

It is called..'Emotional abuse'..Which can be covert, or overt..The facts are, his behaviour made you feel sick, disappointed, and scared, like you were a failure, In abuse terms, Its called 'walking on eggshells'..nothing you could do was ever good good enough...That is often exactly the way it can be, living with abuse...

Its does sound like you have managed to 'get away'..I hope that you have?...

He sounds like a very abusive control freak..and if you have got away from him..You have my biggest congratulations!

No ammount of telling them you need respect, love or kind words, or affection, ever brings a response of empathy, or a desire to help you feel good.

'Abusers' get their sense of self..and their 'kicks' from controlling you, and especially your emotions, and sadly, your pain, is their payoff..

I truly hope you haev moved on from him..

I so remember trying so hard....thinking that if I just worked hard enough, just tried harder, that he would see how much I loved him, see how hard I was trying. Every time I thought I met his expectations, he changed them.

Abuse changes, mutates, it's a chameleion...changes to maintain control in all circumstances. There is no winning. Except to leave.

Hugs to you, I'm so glad you and your kids got away.

You tried and tried and tried and for what??????
It was not you and you did the right thing be leaving......I hope that you know how wonderful that you really are and what a treasure you are......no one is perfect but when we pour our ourselves for the one we love to please them it deserves to be recognized....so I want you to know that I think what you did was so sweet and special and what a shame that He missed out on it.

Love
D

I am so sorry you have had to live like this. I am so glad you got out.

My ex never called me names, he never said things like I couldn't cook or I hadn't done enough around the house. He was way more covert than that. He undermined me silently by going after me and re doing things, never saying a word, or telling me how smart I was in business, but when I would suggest we do something (like get a signed contract w/our house builder) he did the exact opposite and then left the messes for me to clean up.

One of his favorite things to do was give me the cold shoulder for days at a time.

He was such a good guy, he even helped around the house. Except that I paid a very high price for that. He only did that for two reasons. 1. so he could feed his ego and have people tell him what a great guy he was and tell me how lucky I was to have him. 2. he did something nice for me meant I had to do something nice (sex) for him.

This is the same guy who forced me down & pinned me on the bed to show me that I would be helpless if one of his "friends" tried to attack me. That was his reasoning why I couldn't dance with them at parties, but he could sure dance with their wives.

Even when I talked him into for marital counseling, he "showed up" & pretended to be in agreement w/the therapist and then did what he wanted. For example, she had us write various contracts where we each agreed to do certain things. He broke every single contract and even did some of the stuff I was supposed to do saying he was just trying to help me. But he never said, I don't want to do this any more. He just never did the first thing he agreed to.

I was constantly walking on eggshells and trying to figure out the perfect way to say things in the perfect tone of voice. Because he always accused me of being what he was, negative and angry. He never hit me, but he hit a few walls on occasion. Even the most innocent things I said would get twisted all to hell.

His favorite way to start a sentence was "In my mind....." That is a dead give away, only I didn't know it then.

One of his more ingenious ploys was to play "devils advocate," Whenever he came home and complained about something at his job, I would listen and take his side. The next thing I knew, he was on the side of his boss attacking for biting the hand that fed us. When I would try to tell him about a bad day at work he would always take the opposite side. I would ask him why he was never on my side. He would always say he was, but he was just playing devils advocate.

It took me 36 years to get out and unfortunately he is still undermining me & making himself look like the hero victim to my children and other people. But I do believe that the truth will win out in the end.

I know what you mean too. Life is too short to have to take that. It's not like being physically hit, but no matter what you do, they are constantly criticizing it. My husband tends to do that at times too. I have to yell at him to stop doing that to me.

You know I've been through the physical abuse, verbal abuse, and now it's just down to the emotional stuff at times now. But, it is draining as well. I never get any compliments on my appearance. And when I do look good I think, he in my opinion gets insecure, afraid I'll find someone else I guess, and will turn into a different person for a while.

Things are better now with us, and I was going to leave, but I really have no where to go and he has changed quite a bit. He wasn't always like this. And like you, my mother in law is a jealous witch.

So, anyways, breaking someone's spirit, by criticizing them all the time, is draining and is abuse. Do what is right for you.

Good luck.