
Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

BedHog
When thinking about moving on with my life, one of my fears is that I will just find another jerk or get myself in another situation.
And then not realize it again until I am deeply mired in the relationship.
I have had several mentally, emotionally abusive relationships and come from a disfunctional family.
One problem I feel is that I don't know what "normal" is.
How much arguing and disagreeing is normal.
How much control is "normal".
How much together time is "normal".
How much apart time is "normal".
I'm just not sure I can recognize when a difference with your significant other is normal and when it is abusive. And even now when I stand up for myself I sometimes feel guilty.
And when I get what I want I also feel guilty.
Can someone tell me, what is a normal life?
And then not realize it again until I am deeply mired in the relationship.
I have had several mentally, emotionally abusive relationships and come from a disfunctional family.
One problem I feel is that I don't know what "normal" is.
How much arguing and disagreeing is normal.
How much control is "normal".
How much together time is "normal".
How much apart time is "normal".
I'm just not sure I can recognize when a difference with your significant other is normal and when it is abusive. And even now when I stand up for myself I sometimes feel guilty.
And when I get what I want I also feel guilty.
Can someone tell me, what is a normal life?
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Unfortunetely there is not.
So we're stuck?
So get a bit of paper. Write down a list of attributes that will HAVE to be on the list of what your future guy has - eg.
kindness
empathy
enjoyment of socialising with friends
time to meet up with you
a job in the same city
between the ages of...and...
Then do the same with attributes you refuse to put up with e.g.
flaring up anger
making fun of people and pulling them down
not wanting to be part of your life
no job, and won't even try to look for one
drinking heavily
When you make your list you will realise that no-one will be all the good things all the time, but your future guy should be these things most of the times unless severly provoked.
Also - we all know we are capable of our faults - e.g. getting angry - but there is a time and a place and a provokation for most people. Not just because you were 5 mins later home from work than he expected...
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Then 2 things to do:
I would do a little dedication ritual. I would like a candle (pink? aaah) and dedicated my desire to seek a partner with those attributes for the right time, in the right way, for the best possible purposes of love.
Then I would light a second candle (black? or Green?) and state firmly that I will not tolerate the abusive attributes and that I am "seeking someone without these attributes."
Then let your candles burn right down (keep an eye out).
This ritual teaches your mind, and symbolises it in a tangible, physical way, what you want, and what you are pulling towards yourself. Your "psyche" will remember it all the more because you did an action along with the thinking.
Good luck.
I have no idea what is 'normal', i have spent 2 years working on me and my journey continues everyday, i spend hours on me and my wellbeing.
I will not commit to anyone until i am in full control of all of me(mental, physical, spiritual etc) I only know for me, it is dealing with each day at a time untill the traumas become less often, less severe, i do therapy goups and counselling in which i re-learn about life and challenges and how to be true to me.
So i know i am on my way to being healed and overall happy with me. It is a long treck, but absolutely amazing.
Therapy is a good way to start healing. Keep going, even if you think it is draining, in the end you will feel more whole.
You'll know its the right person for you, if you follow your instincts after you have done your therapy and healing.