Sure - I found closure by not talking to my mother for the past 24 years. She has no desire to stop being abusive and I have no desire to continue being abused. While it did not necessarily bring any good closure - it did bring a disconnect which is all I could hope for.

im trying to get closure after what my best friend did to me i need to or might hurt myself from it all i cant seem to figure it out either i wish i could :( i havent talked to her and she has been deleting my messages so i guess she found some closure i'm sorry for this depressing comment

I want to be able to discuss it with them, ask them why, and ask for an apology. but I dont think ill ever get that opportunity.

reply to #1
yeah I guess that's certainly one way to do it physically. I was wondering how to do it emotionally, so I don't feel so angry.

reply to #3

yeah I've tried that too and I agree, it doesn't bring the most effective results.

You can let go of your anger but it's hard. For me, when I stopped contact with my father, I automatically let go of a little anger and it's been getting better ever since.

I stopped speaking to my father 6 years ago. After 35 years of psychological abuse off him I realised it would never change so I walked away. It's hard to close it down when it is all you know, so hard to pull out of the emotional hold. His words just echo in my ears at the slightest reminder.

replies to #6 and 7

Yeah a lot reponses are about just not continuing contact and I kind of feel like #7. I was hoping to break free of those memories as well as move on physically. Oh and how do you deal with holidays?

I grew up in a portuguese household were it was perfectly acceptable to dicipline your child with physical abuse.My mom never stood up for me when my dad beat me and I had no idea it was wrong for a long time. When I sent to a foster home at 15 it still was hard to accept. My dad didn't speak to me for 8 years for being a "traitor" of all things. It him apolizing but it came to late because he died almost five years ago. I guess you always yearn to have the love of the people who are suppose to love you unconditionally. Me, I have had no closure or ability to be able to be mad at my mom. She has tried to make it up to me over and over again and we are close. So I guess I can't answer your question because I never caught the opportunity to find out if my dad really was sorry and there will never be closure. Wish I could help. I did emotionally cut him off though for quite some time but it hurt.

Have you actually ever broken contact with your parents? It doesn't seem as is you have but i could be wrong.

As for emotional closure? Forgive them, but more importantly, forgive yourself. Forgiveness is not for them, it is for you. It helps you release the anger and fear and then you get to move on. I'm not kidding here. Forgive yourself for putting up with it, for thinking you weren't strong enough to make it stop, for whatever it is they make you feel when you get blamed for everything. Have you ever had any counseling? Might be an avenue for you to explore.

As for the holidays, you have 2 choices, deal with them or not. Your choice. If its just more of the same with a thin veneer of holiday spirit over the top, then don't deal with it. Don't forget its your choice. Pack yourself up and go to a friend's instead if that is where you feel loved and appreciated. You'd be amazed at the kind of family you can build if you don't stick to saying that blood relations are the only sort of family you can have.

I beat myself up for years trying to figure out why and how. I knew that I would never get the answers that I wanted or thought I needed for closure. I decieded to write a letter of forgivness to him. Not for his bennifit, but for mine, because the anger and hurt was consumming every aspect of my life. I wrote everything that I wanted to say to him. After I wrote it I kept it in my journal and read it on a regular basis. He destroyed me, and who I was once. I wasn't going to let him continue to do it to me. Just a suggestion, it worked for me, and it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulder.

Reply to #10

Yeah, no I haven't broken off all contact. We all share a lot of related abuse issues and it's been very complicated sorting it all out. Since I'm the one doing most of the sorting, I'm looking at ways to conclude it all so as I find myself, I can doing it, well, with a sense of peace. I've already been through so much anger, my anger at them. I loved what you said, "Forgive yourself for putting up with it, for thinking you weren't strong enough to make it stop." I never really realized but yeah, I think that's been a huge part in it and I want to think about it some more... it really hit something for me.
I'm in counseling now, and it's because of counseling that I'm trying to look for this kind of closure. I'm glad I'm on the right track because other options like cutting them out just haven't felt right. Holidays are tough because yeah it is a lot of that same veneer... The thing is, I want to be able to acknowledge the right things my parents have done despite the abusiveness.They're not Hitler, they're not monsters and there are good parts to them as well as the bad.
I think you have agreat idea about finding an extended family of sorts. I haven't had much luck with that.... I was encouraged to make friends with only the people my parents approved of. When I did make other friends they generally turned out to be very much like my parents. I have problems to overcome with that. On my list of things!! hahaha

I also had to seperate from my mother. I had too, because it was killing me on why does this woman not love me and my children. Why was i rased the way i was, then through reading help books it hit me... she and my father knew no other way of doing it themselves as they too grew up in it.. they also were treated the same way, they did there best with what they were taught.. i have to remind myself of that. NOt that i forgive but it helps to change the way i think of it. As for the Holidays, its lonely for me but i do have my children. They are my family...