I wake up cring and I have nightmares a good bit. I sleep okay I guess but it is a very light sleep and it is hard to go back once I am up. I have been affected all my life by physical violence so I feel like what I went through In my last relationship is normal. It amazes me the conditions a human being will grow comfortable with, the things I have been taught to tolerate. She only hit me a little but sometimes i liked it alot. (SIC) I begged her to stop but there was one time I begged her for more. I shut down alot when I am threatened. The funny part is i was raised to be a killer in a way. I was raised by drunk injuns and straight razor toting hillbillies fresh out our lil hollow of the Ozarks. I was taught to defend myself and even more importantly put a man on his back in 2 seconds flat. I was taught to be tough and strong and never lie and never steal and NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER lay hands on a woman. See if a man lays his hands on you me, I show him to his grave, but when a woman hits me I freeze. I become small and scared and my body trembles. My mother hit me a lot. I never liked it. When DSS came to find out and investigate my hillybilly programming took over and I ran him out of our house by his throat. I wake up crying and I have nightmares a good bit........... Still I wish she would come back and hit me so I knew she cared. WTF WHY?
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