Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have read so many inspirational pieces in here and I feel now comfortable enough to write my story in a little more detail. I think I will find it refreshing to do so so I apologize in advance for the length but thank you for listening and letting me heal.
I was first married to an alcoholic. I did leave that relationship - after being married for almost 12 years and together a total of 19 years. It wasn't that hard because I had fallen out of love with him a long time before I made the move. It was just a matter of figuring out how to do it and when to do it.
About 7 months after I made the decision to have my x move out, I met the man I thought was going to be the man who took me away from it all and was going to share with me the things I wanted to share and didn't experience with my x. 1 year later I am struggling with myself and staying away from the man I loved but felt the need to beat me.
It was all very subtle things that looking back now I see. It started as small pieces of emotional abuse and control and things that I thought were my sensitivity because of my past relationship. It was almost like someone gave him a list of things that made me upset or hurt me with my x and he did them all the right way. He was supportive, he wanted to spend time with me and shop and work in the yard and spend time with my family. He got along great with my friends, I didn't have to baby-sit at parties or gatherings - we could go out and have a great time and go home and both remember our evening. Then things started to change and the time he wanted to spend with me in the evenings became more obsessive than attentive. He didn't like my coaching and playing sports interfering with our dinner time. He said that I never loved him enough or spend enough time with him. Then the little things and the emotional holding out began. I didn't put the lid down on the toilet; he threw a fit and wouldn't sit with me on the sofa... I didn't park my Jeep right and he flipped out ... there was a piece of trash in my jeep and he didn't think he could have kids with me because if I didn't take care of my Jeep how was I going to take care of a family. Then everything I did was stupid, it was like dating a child, he'd rather take a bullet in the eye than have kids with me... it all just started rolling.
Than the physical piece started and it was grabbing me by the face, grabbing my arms and pulling me back into the room, pushing me from behind when I was waling down the hallway and grabbing me on the jaws and hitting my head against the cabinet while screaming in my face. I started withdrawing from him and of course that made him angrier because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. It was like wakling on eggshells constantly and being afraid of what I did, how often I spoke to friends on the phone and so forth.
One night we had a huge fight and he hit me around a little bit. This escalated and it became an issue. I was 12 minutes late to where I was supposed to be ... I had swung by to see a female friend of mine who was outside but when he questioned me about stopping and got irate about the time it took me I was like I just came right over I finally told him after he continued to question me that I had stopped by my friends who was out so that made me late he flipped I lied to him, I let our dinner get cold, my friends were more important than he was .. and it went from there. A few weeks later, he flipped out me and beat me Friday night, Saturday night and then again Sunday afternoon and then by Sunday evening, everything was fine with him and he thought we were great. It was mainly to the head and banging my head against cabinets and so forth and the grabbing of the chin and jaw and pulling my hair.
I have spoken to others and I understand this is his way he starts out extremely sweet and wonderful and then turns. Its mainly been emotional but a few have had physical and only one other as bad as mine. But it has turned violent on other occasions.
He is of course now sorry and crying uncontrollably and theres a void without me and he swears hell never do it again He knows he was wrong in hitting me, but I shouldnt have lied to him and he wouldnt have had that pent up anger. If I promise to never lie to him again, he promises to never hit me again. I guess I dont understand how can it seem so sincere now with the tears and pain and anguish of love for me, does he really feel this way or is he just losing control, how can someone turn it off and on like that, wouldnt he get help if he really wanted me back or really meant it, how can I still have feelings of guilt and sorrow for him after all this, how can I think that it could be my fault and I brought it out in him even though several people have come to me and said he emotionally abused and brainwashed them. Ive read a lot I know I cant trust him and go back, but this honeymoon phase of the cycle is tough!!! I guess because its who I wanted him to be
I dont even know if I really have a question for this board or am just looking for support or someone who understands and can write something to make me feel less insane I feel like an internal mess!!
I was first married to an alcoholic. I did leave that relationship - after being married for almost 12 years and together a total of 19 years. It wasn't that hard because I had fallen out of love with him a long time before I made the move. It was just a matter of figuring out how to do it and when to do it.
About 7 months after I made the decision to have my x move out, I met the man I thought was going to be the man who took me away from it all and was going to share with me the things I wanted to share and didn't experience with my x. 1 year later I am struggling with myself and staying away from the man I loved but felt the need to beat me.
It was all very subtle things that looking back now I see. It started as small pieces of emotional abuse and control and things that I thought were my sensitivity because of my past relationship. It was almost like someone gave him a list of things that made me upset or hurt me with my x and he did them all the right way. He was supportive, he wanted to spend time with me and shop and work in the yard and spend time with my family. He got along great with my friends, I didn't have to baby-sit at parties or gatherings - we could go out and have a great time and go home and both remember our evening. Then things started to change and the time he wanted to spend with me in the evenings became more obsessive than attentive. He didn't like my coaching and playing sports interfering with our dinner time. He said that I never loved him enough or spend enough time with him. Then the little things and the emotional holding out began. I didn't put the lid down on the toilet; he threw a fit and wouldn't sit with me on the sofa... I didn't park my Jeep right and he flipped out ... there was a piece of trash in my jeep and he didn't think he could have kids with me because if I didn't take care of my Jeep how was I going to take care of a family. Then everything I did was stupid, it was like dating a child, he'd rather take a bullet in the eye than have kids with me... it all just started rolling.
Than the physical piece started and it was grabbing me by the face, grabbing my arms and pulling me back into the room, pushing me from behind when I was waling down the hallway and grabbing me on the jaws and hitting my head against the cabinet while screaming in my face. I started withdrawing from him and of course that made him angrier because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. It was like wakling on eggshells constantly and being afraid of what I did, how often I spoke to friends on the phone and so forth.
One night we had a huge fight and he hit me around a little bit. This escalated and it became an issue. I was 12 minutes late to where I was supposed to be ... I had swung by to see a female friend of mine who was outside but when he questioned me about stopping and got irate about the time it took me I was like I just came right over I finally told him after he continued to question me that I had stopped by my friends who was out so that made me late he flipped I lied to him, I let our dinner get cold, my friends were more important than he was .. and it went from there. A few weeks later, he flipped out me and beat me Friday night, Saturday night and then again Sunday afternoon and then by Sunday evening, everything was fine with him and he thought we were great. It was mainly to the head and banging my head against cabinets and so forth and the grabbing of the chin and jaw and pulling my hair.
I have spoken to others and I understand this is his way he starts out extremely sweet and wonderful and then turns. Its mainly been emotional but a few have had physical and only one other as bad as mine. But it has turned violent on other occasions.
He is of course now sorry and crying uncontrollably and theres a void without me and he swears hell never do it again He knows he was wrong in hitting me, but I shouldnt have lied to him and he wouldnt have had that pent up anger. If I promise to never lie to him again, he promises to never hit me again. I guess I dont understand how can it seem so sincere now with the tears and pain and anguish of love for me, does he really feel this way or is he just losing control, how can someone turn it off and on like that, wouldnt he get help if he really wanted me back or really meant it, how can I still have feelings of guilt and sorrow for him after all this, how can I think that it could be my fault and I brought it out in him even though several people have come to me and said he emotionally abused and brainwashed them. Ive read a lot I know I cant trust him and go back, but this honeymoon phase of the cycle is tough!!! I guess because its who I wanted him to be
I dont even know if I really have a question for this board or am just looking for support or someone who understands and can write something to make me feel less insane I feel like an internal mess!!
yeouxleigh
I suggest you read my journal that i started about a year ago. it sounds like you now. i have been in and out of a relationship like yours. mine lasted 10.5 years. when he finally got sober, i realized that i did not like him drunk or sober. after all stuff he put me thru, i decided that i did want another 10 years of the same stuff. what i found was that violence in him was only controlled by the fact that he is facing time in prison. i also grew-up during that time. my adult children came home and i have four grandchildren and i don't want them to think that is the way life should be. so i finally walked away knowing that i did it for me and my family. i just can't believe how much fear one man can put in one woman.
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