I am begining to think that the small emotional drip, drip that makes you fee like crap in some ways is just as bad for me as the moments of rage and physicality. Example. My husband always wants to know when i'm going out, when i'll be back etc (in the name of spending time together and my safety) but it can get very controlling. He likes me to co-ordinate my time off with his, whcih can be very tricky. I have a board where i write up his shifts and my movements work wise for that week, saves me explaining a million times a day. He gets annoyed if he's in and i'm out for more than a couple of hours. Anyway, i get asked continuosly, 'are you in when i'm in tomorrow' etc. This morning i was getting out of bed, my husband is on a night shift and often likes to plan his sleep around what i'm doing, so i say 'i'm out for a few hours this afternoon', pre-empting a question i get asked at least once a day, to which he replies curtly 'what you telling me for?'. WTF? Is this just messing with my head or what?! In one sentance he's both making me feel unimportant and making me feel like i've imagined the million times he's asked me before. Another example was yesterday beofre he went to work i had a meeting and then was out again, but i arranged i would come back in between and we would walk the dogs and i would make lunch. I got back at exactly the time we arranged and he's 'i don't have time', i say that's what we've arranged what's changed 'i don't have time' and he just repeats that. So i make lunch and abandon walking the dogs. Over lunch, we're at the table and he's reading yesterdays paper (he does this or puts the TV on which i find really rude and like i'm not interesting enough) i decide to tell him something about my day the day before that i didn't think he'd be interested in last night, but hey, wanted to at least try and make conversation. He doesn't look up from the paper, then mumbles a stock 'hmm, must have been hard' response when he realised i'd stopped speaking for a while, whcih wasn't even the correct response. So i just stopped talking and ate my lunch in silence. I know it seems trivial, especially compared to the physical stuff (and that compared to alot of peoples experiences of physical stuff) but i'm realising it's as damaging to my self-esteem on a daily basis. Does that make sense?
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