So much anger, so much hate, so much fear. Have you ever started out strong and strong-willed, and been broken down so far that you no longer recognize yourself? My mother died 4 years ago, when I was 23, quite unexpectedly. We were so close, we were soulmates. My entire world shattered, crushing my heart and my soul with one fatal swoop. She was an ordained minister, so she married my husband and I by proxy, because he was in prison. I waited for him for 2 years. When he came home in 2005, he was not the same person he made me believe he was. I went through 3 years of drunken and sober rages, insults, crying every day, and on and on and on and on. I never blamed myself, but I never understood why I put up with it for so long. I tell myself now that I had to have my son. He was born in November 2007, and that was my husband's last chance to change. He fucked it up, so I took my son and left. It took a LOT for me to do that, but I had a lot of support from friends and family. I'm slowly but surely getting better, but I'm still so fucked up in the head. I found out recently that he'd been cheating on me for the last 3 years, and that didn't help. However, it did make up my mind for me! I had been saying that if he got some help and got better and changed for the good, I might give him another chance. But, since I found that shit out, he can kiss my rosey red ass! He doesn't deserve another chance, not with me, not ever again. So much pain, so much heartache, so much fear, so many tears. He's threatened to kill me several times. Will he do it one day? I don't know, and that scares me. So much pain. It's going to take so much time. So much time.
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