Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Self-Analyzation of My Relationship With Rich
(Brace yourselves, this is pretty lengthy, but gives one the idea of what the signs are).
Controlling by defining motivations- example- anything I dont do for him he
feels is an indication that I dont love him, anything I say to him is felt as a
personal attack on his ego and manhood
Controlling by withholding financial resources- he gives me an "allowance" in
addition to the court ordered child support. This allowance allows him to yank
it out from under the kids and me anytime he "sees fit" to should I not comply
with his wishes and "obey" him without question.
He constantly rejects or denies my value as a woman and a human being. He mainly
does this by responding and talking to me as though I am not capable of thinking
for myself or having the ability to feel and/or even making decisions for
myself.
He blames me and/or the children for his anger. He exhibits extreme mood swings,
it almost seems like a split personality takes over.
He belittles me in front of others and in private, is overcritical of what I say
and do think or feel.
He "tries"(though not very well on this one) to isolate me from family and friends,
and even accuses me of paying them more attention than I do him, especially when
it comes to the kids. He has even gone as far as to accuse me of inviting my
online friends to my home. When we are online together and I do not respond to
him right away, he will say to me "whom are you talking to? Oh you're too busy to
talk to me? Is that it?" when all I was really doing was going to the bathroom
or changing a diaper or making dinner. I cannot talk to anyone online but he can
turn around and instant message other women and have very sexually explicit
conversations with them.
Its like "I am allowed to have all the friends I want, I can do this, but you
are not allowed to talk to anyone online or in real life because someone is
going to poison your mind against me" is what he says. This of course is false
as HE can poison my mind against him with no help from anyone.
He is very possessive and jealous if I talk to anyone regardless of gender or
sexual orientation and questions all my snail mail and email (this is why I
changed the password on aol as he found an innocent email to me from someone who
wanted to know about a special camp in a neighboring town for handicapped kids,
and who better to ask than someone who lives in the area, this man picked me).
He has threaten me repeatedly, saying he is going to cut me and the kids off
financially, that he is going to kill himself if I take the children and leave,
or brings up some trumped up charges that he can never make stick (i.e.- extortion
embezzlement, computer hacking, etc.)He is very demanding of my time, especially when I am busy, more so when Im busy
with the kids, if I am NOT paying him my undivided attention, he then belittles
me, yells and screams at me that I dont love him and that I dont listen to him
even though I am not deaf and heard him very well (I just choose not to respond to
him and stoop to his level).
There have been numerous times when he drove recklessly with me AND the children
in the car because he got mad at me over something I thought was stupid(God
forbid I have an opinion and it doesnt agree with his).
He has cheated on me and flirts with other women(this he does in front of me,
but I would catch hell if I even so much as looked at another man and/or woman,
if HE found this woman to be attractive FIRST then it would be ok for me to
acknowledge that she is attractive).
He has a history of troubled relationships.
He has frightened me with intimidating looks and gestures.
He has repeatedly not so much hit me but he has raised his hands to me, which gives him the potential to be physically abusive, and as everyone knows, dv starts with the above and leads to physical violence.
He has frightened my children and me on more then one occasion with his words and his actions.
In the 4 years of our marriage he has not provided a stable home environment, we have moved about 11 times, across Long Island, NY. In trying to escape this I moved all the way to Florida, but because of my financial situation with my husband, I may have to go back with him in Louisiana. This is obviously something I do not want considering our track record.
His idea of the "perfect wife" is one who doesnt fight back. He wants someone who is going to be at his beck and call 24/7 hang on his every word, laugh at every joke, have sex with him whenever and/or however he wants it. He wants someone who is going to be docile, and easy to control to fit into his lifestyle as a wife of a military member.
I cannot be forced into this regime, its not me.
The most important thing that is not ever present in my marriage with him is that spiritual aspect. It was never there. I believe in the Goddess and God and their influence is present in my life, always has been, but he has no religious training; he has the upbringing but not the training and more importantly he doesnt have it in his heart to believe in any concept of a Divine power. The presence of Goddess and God in my relationships and interactions with others is extremely important to me and its lacking in my marriage with my husband.
Case in point, in the shelter in 2003, my husband and I were outside smoking a cigarette, we had our then 7 month old son with us, it was early evening and the moon was out, I took our son and showed the moon to him because he had seen it and pointed to it. So I said yes baby, its Luna, my husband turned around and said dont you teach my son that crap in front of the other residents that were standing with us outside. I was so embarrassed. I quietly took our son inside. I got the baby to sleep and I sat there in the dark sobbing. This is not the first time he has made me cry uncontrollably.
When I first moved in with him after my mother lost her house because I lost my job(my rent was paying the mortgage), he came home from work and accused me of sleeping with not only my ex-boyfriend but his brother at the same time in his house! I was shocked to say the least. He yelled at me and called me a whore. I was so frightened by this display I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. He pounded on it yelling that I had slept with them for about 15 minutes. I was crying hysterically on the bathroom floor with my back against the door. I sobbed back that it wasnt true. I hadnt seen either of them in months and hadnt even spoken to them. After about an hour, he calmed down and said please come out. I just sat there crying even still but I slowly got up and unlocked the door. He grabbed me and held me said he was sorry. I believe now he did it to see what my reaction would be. How I would handle his triads. I have learned since then.
Since beginning this journey of enlightenment on our relationship, and after learning various methods an abuser will use on his/her victim, I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing left to give this man. I am spent. He gets pissed over the most stupid stuff. Again, case in point, we were living at the Terry Apartments with my mother. One night my daughter finished a box of cereal and my husband was so mad he grabbed her by the arm, dragged her across the floor and threatened to throw her off the balcony. I jumped in between them and said you lay one finger on my daughter again I will kill you myself. How about I throw YOU off the balcony. All this over a box of cereal that was eaten up by a child and he didnt get any of it.
Another time when I had first moved in with him back in 2000, in Mastic Beach NY, we were sitting at the table having dinner, this was before the birth of our son in common, my now 6 year old son Joey and then 9 year old daughter Jasmine were with us. Joey was about 3 and he wasnt eating his dinner, he has always been a picky eater...my husband turned around and smacked him in the back of the head. I got up from the table, grabbed my kids and started walking out the door in protest that you will NOT hit my children. He threatened me, saying if you walk out that door dont ever come back. Unfortunately we had not other place to go. Everything we have is because of him. Our financial stability revolves around him.
In the four years of our marriage, I have lost my home, my family, my friends, my job, moved 11 times, but yet I am not allowed to say anything in protest of this. I am not allowed to voice my opinion especially when it differs from his. Case in point, I have a Wiccan website, just some basic information and links to other sites. But I also have a page dedicated entirely to Domestic Violence. He saw it and immediately thought it was a page against him. Said I had a chip on my shoulder and that I need a therapist. Asked me if I was a feminist and into women's lib the whole 9 yards. I said everyone needs a cause to believe in, this is mine. Can I do anything without you cutting me down about it?
Another time he told me he was reading a magazine at his doctor's office in Iraq, the article he was reading indicated that children, who are raised in homes with gay parents, turn gay themselves. This of course is totally false. You just dont wake up one morning and say I want to be gay today. I am bi-sexual myself and have straight parents so whats my excuse? That gay parent thing doesnt work. I voiced my protests, he started in with this crap about statistics. Not every child grows up gay when they have one gay parent in the household. Right now, I am a single mom, Im bi and my daughter isnt gay.
These are just a few examples of the stuff I have had to endure with my husband. He has even gone as far as to let his commanding officers tell him to bring me up on charges of extortion, embezzlement, computer hacking, fraud, identity theft, making false statements to a federal agency and the like. These charges of course are completely false. They have no merit. How can I embezzle court ordered child support? How can I extort court ordered child support? I cant very well hack into a computer if I already have the password, and even still its my computer too..he bought it for US. When he was deployed overseas and I had him thrown out etc, that computer became mine. He bought it as a Christmas present.
He even went as far to attack me physically when I was pregnant with our now 2 year old son. My daughter had a plastic toy horse that would come apart and snap back together. He came home drunk from work, stank, and my daughter unknowingly asked him to put it back together for her. At first he was nice and sweet, but then he asked me if I had any glue or tape so he could fix it. I told him he didnt need glue or tape, it snaps back together. He flew into a rage! He turned around and started screaming at me and getting in my face about it. Then I said thats it Im leaving, I started hyperventilating, I went into the bedroom to calmn down he followed me, I fell to the floor in pain. I was afterall 6 months pregnant and he was getting me very upset.
My daughter took her brother across the street to a neighbor and asked them to call the police. By this time, my husband had his hands around my waist and wouldnt let me leave the house. I tried to leave, we had a bookcase with bottles of liquor on it, the shelf fell and so did the bottles, they broke upon impact on the floor sending glass and liquid everywhere. I tried to run out the door, I could hear my daughter screaming for me. I ran into my son's room thinking I could just climb out the bedroom window, which was close to the ground. I didnt want the humiliation of filing a police report or pressing charges against him because of this matter.
My girlfriend's daughter was outside the window watching the whole scene as I had to call her to pick us up so that we could stay at her house. My husband started jumping up and down like a little spoiled child who had his lollypop stolen and puched the shelf that ran along the wall of my son's room, it damn near fell on my head, along with a small lamp that was also on the shelf. The shelf cracked and fell off its hooks, thankfully I had quick reflexes and jumped back before it did hit me on the head. I was 6 months pregnant and he's doing this to me. Is this the actions of a man in love? No. Is this the actions of a man who was abused himself as a child and never received help for it? Yes. Is this a man who is taking what he learned from his own father as he beat on not only him but his mother as well to abuse women? Yes.
Of course, in Domestic Violence, women often end up returning to their abusers, out of fear for their lives, no money, no other place to go etc. Its hard to leave once you are a victim of DV. Unfortunately also, a lot of women are often murdered by their abusers when they attempt to leave, upon return, or have already succeeded in leaving.
Sometimes, women obtain an order of protection or a restraining order. These pieces of paper are no guarantee that they are safe from abuse. Often times, the abuser will come after the victim and ultimately kill her. By this time, its too late for the cops to enforce the orders.
We do need stricter laws to enforce these orders and to prevent further injuries to us. We need stricter laws for violators of these orders. In order to protect us, we need to have this. Many women everyday are dying from DV, our bodies are worn out from being beaten, thrown to the floor, stabbed, raped, etc, our spirits are crushed and every little sound has us running in fear. We sit cowering in a corner as our abusers keep punching and kicking us, and most times society turns a blind eye to this treatment. Its barbaric! We are passing this onto our children, our daughters so often become victims themselves, our sons become abusers as they watch us be beaten and worse.
What kind of message are we sending to them? How will this effect them later on in life when they reach adulthood, that is not to say every child growing up in an abusive household will grow up to be a victim or an abuser but this the case most of the time.
My own girlfriend of 20 years to this day refuses to have anything to do with her husband, she is still married to him, but they have been separated for the past 8 years because of his abuse. I give her a lot of credit, doing it all on her own, working, raising her 3 kids. Its so hard to not feel for this family. She and her kids have been through hell.
I myself now am considering seeing a therapist. Not that I am hurting over this and I cant deal, but my dreams lately are just so violent, full of death, blood, and monsters, which to me in an indication that something is seriously wrong. For me to be afraid to go to sleep at night is ludicrous.
I cant seem to get away from this man no matter what I do. He has all the power, all the money, all the resources, and all I have is the kids. He can come and go as he pleases and I have to be the responsible one, raising the kids and sacrificing myself for them. I have no job skills of my own, I dropped out of school in 9th grade when I turned 16 so I have little education although my reading level is pre-college, I read a lot on everything. Currently we have 2 weeks left in my girlfriend's home and I am no closer to freedom then when I left NY. I still havent found a place of our own and my money is dwindling because I have had to support the kids in food, clothing for school, and bills and myself.
A dear friend of mine and I were talking yesterday, as we often do, and he told me that I cant kid him, that I still love my husband. I dont love him anymore, how can I after all this man has done? He has threatened me, raised his hands to me, hit my children, harrassed me, cheated on me, screamed at me three inches from my face, made me hyperventilate; while I was pregnant no less, he has unlawfully restrained and restricted me from leaving either the bedroom or the house itself on numerous occasions to which my girlfriend, her children, and my mother have witnessed. But I am not supposed to speak out about this. I am to comply with whatever he dishes out. I am to take his word for gospel when I have my own thoughts, dreams, ideas and feelings. He would dictate these to me.
How can a woman love a man that is controlling, jealous, chauvinistic, egotistical, and often times very angry at the whole world when the whole world doesnt care one way or the other if he lives or dies? Everything has to be perfect and the center of his world or its no go. How can a woman love a man like that?
Often times, the abuser will beat his wife/girlfriend, then turn around later and apologize, maybe surprise her with a gift of some kind to gain her trust back, then turn around the very next day, or even a few hours later and do it again. This is how they gain control and make us live in fear. The slightest infraction sends these men in uncontrollable rages and we get a black eye and a bloody lip, sometimes even worse. So where does it end? How long must we endure the shame and the complete and utter feeling of helplessness we feel?
How do we espcape this violent lifestyle with no repercussions from our abusers and without resources or skills to make it on our own and raise our children in a safe and loving environment? How do we live without violence at all?
9-8-05
Even to this day, my husband is the same, makes no difference that we are in separate states. I cannot do a thing without having to discuss or telling him first. I had gotten a tatoo and a belly piercing the other day, he flipped out because I didnt tell him. Its not like it cost him anything, it didnt, they were both free. He is contstantly accusing me of cheating on him but yet he is the one cheating on me. I have no done a thing except make it my buisness to provide for the children. He has even threatened to have them taken away, and for what? Because I told JAG he wasnt sending a rent check that he was supposed to send in order to prevent our eviction from our apartment in NY? Its absurd!
He claims to have all this information on me but there isnt anything to have. I dont party, I dont do drugs....I mind my own business. But yet I have a stack of folders of his harassment, abuse, infidelity.... these I do not want to use unless I am pushed and have no other options. All our financial support relies on him. Just to get out of moving to Louisiana with him, I had lied and told him just now that I had gotten a job, which is false because I know he'd flip out if I simply told him I do not love him anymore. I do not want him coming down here and starting trouble. I cannot afford to be kicked out of my girlfriend's house because of him; I have lost too much already. I havent even been able to pay my bills because of all this. I have witnesses that will and can attest to his violence on numerous occasions, mainly my own mother.
It makes no difference to me that while he has never physically beat me, he is abusive in many other ways and since he has raised his hands to me on more than one occasion, that proves to me that he has the potential to be PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE to me and/or the kids if we do anything to piss off this man and it wouldnt matter what it was over. I should not have to wait for him to hit me before I can get out of this relationship safely, nor should I have to wait for help. I have tried the ANG (Army National Guard) and we all see where that went. I got made out to be some kind of gold-digging bitch...thats what hes been filling his commanding officers with. It ends here, this day, tonight!
26 June 2006
Well, things have certainly changed since I wrote all this last year in 2005. I moved back from Florida, stayed in another shelter for 3 months with 2 of my 3 kids, Jasmine had to stay behind in Florida unfortunately.
In those 3 months my husband continued to harass, stalk, threaten, and otherwise drove me nuts. Upon securing a new apartment, I kicked him out, and got a job. I started divorce proceedings.
There is also a new man in my life that I love with all my heart and soul, and we plan to marry after my divorce. I am just so incredibly happy!
Rich drove by the store today.he didnt see me flip him the bird lol. But he did stop by while Knighthawk was here. That was certainly interesting. Knighthawk politely stayed in my office, while Rich was pissed off because he couldnt talk to me privately. My friend Joy also happened by; which pissed him off even more, but surprisingly; Rich didnt really say a word. He was annoyed though I could tell that I have friends and it doesnt include him. Oh well.
Now instead of saying can we talk privately about some things, he just said Ill talk to you when youre alone, but the problem is I dont want to be alone with him. Not because Im in love with Knighthawk, but because I fear Rich, and what he might do if I do not comply with his wishes. He has threatened to hit me before, and my phone is disconnected. I dont even have time on my cell. Thats why Knighthawk and Joy (once she discovered Rich was here) stuck around until after he left.
I would defend myself sure, I can defend myself, but I got my boys here; they are 7 and 3, and the last thing they need is to see their mom fighting for her life with a really big dude. Not that I think it would come to that, but I dont take any chances with my boys or me.
He never did appreciate my strength of mind, or my religious background. He never once told me I am a good mom or a good person, with him it was always about sex. Now dont get me wrong, I love making love and the whole getting busy thing toobut with him after a while because of the abuse, it became a chore. I did it just so he would leave me alone for a week or 2.I always didnt feel good or I was tired just so I didnt have to couple with him.
With Knighthawk its different. I love him and I want to be with him. He turns me on so much it frightens me sometimes. With him, I want it all the time. With Knighthawk, I want to give 100% of myself because he gives me 100%thats the way it should be.
With Rich, it was always what he wanted, what he needed, his dreams, his his his histhats all I ever heard, it was neverhoney how you doing, you look so beautiful, can I make you a cup of tea, Im sorry youre having such a bad day etc. Yet I was required to do that for him. I couldnt have friends oh Goddess forbid! It was ridiculous. I was suffering for lack of humans other than him and the kids and he never saw it, and if he did he just didnt give a shit.
Well thats all over now thankfully. I am wiser, and stronger than before he went to Iraq. I am gaining my self-confidence back thanks to Knighthawk, not to mention, my self-respect.
13 August 2007
Things have certainly changed since this was last updated. I have with my new partner for over a year have recently founded Guiding Angels Ministries working with Domestic Violence victims. I still have my issues as do we all but as a now Ordained Minister I am able to help others through my own experience with DV. It hasnt been easy of course, and the ex still lingers but he hasnt caused my family or me any problems. If he does, I know through the grace of the Mother Goddess, we can overcome any obstacle set before us.
(Brace yourselves, this is pretty lengthy, but gives one the idea of what the signs are).
Controlling by defining motivations- example- anything I dont do for him he
feels is an indication that I dont love him, anything I say to him is felt as a
personal attack on his ego and manhood
Controlling by withholding financial resources- he gives me an "allowance" in
addition to the court ordered child support. This allowance allows him to yank
it out from under the kids and me anytime he "sees fit" to should I not comply
with his wishes and "obey" him without question.
He constantly rejects or denies my value as a woman and a human being. He mainly
does this by responding and talking to me as though I am not capable of thinking
for myself or having the ability to feel and/or even making decisions for
myself.
He blames me and/or the children for his anger. He exhibits extreme mood swings,
it almost seems like a split personality takes over.
He belittles me in front of others and in private, is overcritical of what I say
and do think or feel.
He "tries"(though not very well on this one) to isolate me from family and friends,
and even accuses me of paying them more attention than I do him, especially when
it comes to the kids. He has even gone as far as to accuse me of inviting my
online friends to my home. When we are online together and I do not respond to
him right away, he will say to me "whom are you talking to? Oh you're too busy to
talk to me? Is that it?" when all I was really doing was going to the bathroom
or changing a diaper or making dinner. I cannot talk to anyone online but he can
turn around and instant message other women and have very sexually explicit
conversations with them.
Its like "I am allowed to have all the friends I want, I can do this, but you
are not allowed to talk to anyone online or in real life because someone is
going to poison your mind against me" is what he says. This of course is false
as HE can poison my mind against him with no help from anyone.
He is very possessive and jealous if I talk to anyone regardless of gender or
sexual orientation and questions all my snail mail and email (this is why I
changed the password on aol as he found an innocent email to me from someone who
wanted to know about a special camp in a neighboring town for handicapped kids,
and who better to ask than someone who lives in the area, this man picked me).
He has threaten me repeatedly, saying he is going to cut me and the kids off
financially, that he is going to kill himself if I take the children and leave,
or brings up some trumped up charges that he can never make stick (i.e.- extortion
embezzlement, computer hacking, etc.)He is very demanding of my time, especially when I am busy, more so when Im busy
with the kids, if I am NOT paying him my undivided attention, he then belittles
me, yells and screams at me that I dont love him and that I dont listen to him
even though I am not deaf and heard him very well (I just choose not to respond to
him and stoop to his level).
There have been numerous times when he drove recklessly with me AND the children
in the car because he got mad at me over something I thought was stupid(God
forbid I have an opinion and it doesnt agree with his).
He has cheated on me and flirts with other women(this he does in front of me,
but I would catch hell if I even so much as looked at another man and/or woman,
if HE found this woman to be attractive FIRST then it would be ok for me to
acknowledge that she is attractive).
He has a history of troubled relationships.
He has frightened me with intimidating looks and gestures.
He has repeatedly not so much hit me but he has raised his hands to me, which gives him the potential to be physically abusive, and as everyone knows, dv starts with the above and leads to physical violence.
He has frightened my children and me on more then one occasion with his words and his actions.
In the 4 years of our marriage he has not provided a stable home environment, we have moved about 11 times, across Long Island, NY. In trying to escape this I moved all the way to Florida, but because of my financial situation with my husband, I may have to go back with him in Louisiana. This is obviously something I do not want considering our track record.
His idea of the "perfect wife" is one who doesnt fight back. He wants someone who is going to be at his beck and call 24/7 hang on his every word, laugh at every joke, have sex with him whenever and/or however he wants it. He wants someone who is going to be docile, and easy to control to fit into his lifestyle as a wife of a military member.
I cannot be forced into this regime, its not me.
The most important thing that is not ever present in my marriage with him is that spiritual aspect. It was never there. I believe in the Goddess and God and their influence is present in my life, always has been, but he has no religious training; he has the upbringing but not the training and more importantly he doesnt have it in his heart to believe in any concept of a Divine power. The presence of Goddess and God in my relationships and interactions with others is extremely important to me and its lacking in my marriage with my husband.
Case in point, in the shelter in 2003, my husband and I were outside smoking a cigarette, we had our then 7 month old son with us, it was early evening and the moon was out, I took our son and showed the moon to him because he had seen it and pointed to it. So I said yes baby, its Luna, my husband turned around and said dont you teach my son that crap in front of the other residents that were standing with us outside. I was so embarrassed. I quietly took our son inside. I got the baby to sleep and I sat there in the dark sobbing. This is not the first time he has made me cry uncontrollably.
When I first moved in with him after my mother lost her house because I lost my job(my rent was paying the mortgage), he came home from work and accused me of sleeping with not only my ex-boyfriend but his brother at the same time in his house! I was shocked to say the least. He yelled at me and called me a whore. I was so frightened by this display I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. He pounded on it yelling that I had slept with them for about 15 minutes. I was crying hysterically on the bathroom floor with my back against the door. I sobbed back that it wasnt true. I hadnt seen either of them in months and hadnt even spoken to them. After about an hour, he calmed down and said please come out. I just sat there crying even still but I slowly got up and unlocked the door. He grabbed me and held me said he was sorry. I believe now he did it to see what my reaction would be. How I would handle his triads. I have learned since then.
Since beginning this journey of enlightenment on our relationship, and after learning various methods an abuser will use on his/her victim, I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing left to give this man. I am spent. He gets pissed over the most stupid stuff. Again, case in point, we were living at the Terry Apartments with my mother. One night my daughter finished a box of cereal and my husband was so mad he grabbed her by the arm, dragged her across the floor and threatened to throw her off the balcony. I jumped in between them and said you lay one finger on my daughter again I will kill you myself. How about I throw YOU off the balcony. All this over a box of cereal that was eaten up by a child and he didnt get any of it.
Another time when I had first moved in with him back in 2000, in Mastic Beach NY, we were sitting at the table having dinner, this was before the birth of our son in common, my now 6 year old son Joey and then 9 year old daughter Jasmine were with us. Joey was about 3 and he wasnt eating his dinner, he has always been a picky eater...my husband turned around and smacked him in the back of the head. I got up from the table, grabbed my kids and started walking out the door in protest that you will NOT hit my children. He threatened me, saying if you walk out that door dont ever come back. Unfortunately we had not other place to go. Everything we have is because of him. Our financial stability revolves around him.
In the four years of our marriage, I have lost my home, my family, my friends, my job, moved 11 times, but yet I am not allowed to say anything in protest of this. I am not allowed to voice my opinion especially when it differs from his. Case in point, I have a Wiccan website, just some basic information and links to other sites. But I also have a page dedicated entirely to Domestic Violence. He saw it and immediately thought it was a page against him. Said I had a chip on my shoulder and that I need a therapist. Asked me if I was a feminist and into women's lib the whole 9 yards. I said everyone needs a cause to believe in, this is mine. Can I do anything without you cutting me down about it?
Another time he told me he was reading a magazine at his doctor's office in Iraq, the article he was reading indicated that children, who are raised in homes with gay parents, turn gay themselves. This of course is totally false. You just dont wake up one morning and say I want to be gay today. I am bi-sexual myself and have straight parents so whats my excuse? That gay parent thing doesnt work. I voiced my protests, he started in with this crap about statistics. Not every child grows up gay when they have one gay parent in the household. Right now, I am a single mom, Im bi and my daughter isnt gay.
These are just a few examples of the stuff I have had to endure with my husband. He has even gone as far as to let his commanding officers tell him to bring me up on charges of extortion, embezzlement, computer hacking, fraud, identity theft, making false statements to a federal agency and the like. These charges of course are completely false. They have no merit. How can I embezzle court ordered child support? How can I extort court ordered child support? I cant very well hack into a computer if I already have the password, and even still its my computer too..he bought it for US. When he was deployed overseas and I had him thrown out etc, that computer became mine. He bought it as a Christmas present.
He even went as far to attack me physically when I was pregnant with our now 2 year old son. My daughter had a plastic toy horse that would come apart and snap back together. He came home drunk from work, stank, and my daughter unknowingly asked him to put it back together for her. At first he was nice and sweet, but then he asked me if I had any glue or tape so he could fix it. I told him he didnt need glue or tape, it snaps back together. He flew into a rage! He turned around and started screaming at me and getting in my face about it. Then I said thats it Im leaving, I started hyperventilating, I went into the bedroom to calmn down he followed me, I fell to the floor in pain. I was afterall 6 months pregnant and he was getting me very upset.
My daughter took her brother across the street to a neighbor and asked them to call the police. By this time, my husband had his hands around my waist and wouldnt let me leave the house. I tried to leave, we had a bookcase with bottles of liquor on it, the shelf fell and so did the bottles, they broke upon impact on the floor sending glass and liquid everywhere. I tried to run out the door, I could hear my daughter screaming for me. I ran into my son's room thinking I could just climb out the bedroom window, which was close to the ground. I didnt want the humiliation of filing a police report or pressing charges against him because of this matter.
My girlfriend's daughter was outside the window watching the whole scene as I had to call her to pick us up so that we could stay at her house. My husband started jumping up and down like a little spoiled child who had his lollypop stolen and puched the shelf that ran along the wall of my son's room, it damn near fell on my head, along with a small lamp that was also on the shelf. The shelf cracked and fell off its hooks, thankfully I had quick reflexes and jumped back before it did hit me on the head. I was 6 months pregnant and he's doing this to me. Is this the actions of a man in love? No. Is this the actions of a man who was abused himself as a child and never received help for it? Yes. Is this a man who is taking what he learned from his own father as he beat on not only him but his mother as well to abuse women? Yes.
Of course, in Domestic Violence, women often end up returning to their abusers, out of fear for their lives, no money, no other place to go etc. Its hard to leave once you are a victim of DV. Unfortunately also, a lot of women are often murdered by their abusers when they attempt to leave, upon return, or have already succeeded in leaving.
Sometimes, women obtain an order of protection or a restraining order. These pieces of paper are no guarantee that they are safe from abuse. Often times, the abuser will come after the victim and ultimately kill her. By this time, its too late for the cops to enforce the orders.
We do need stricter laws to enforce these orders and to prevent further injuries to us. We need stricter laws for violators of these orders. In order to protect us, we need to have this. Many women everyday are dying from DV, our bodies are worn out from being beaten, thrown to the floor, stabbed, raped, etc, our spirits are crushed and every little sound has us running in fear. We sit cowering in a corner as our abusers keep punching and kicking us, and most times society turns a blind eye to this treatment. Its barbaric! We are passing this onto our children, our daughters so often become victims themselves, our sons become abusers as they watch us be beaten and worse.
What kind of message are we sending to them? How will this effect them later on in life when they reach adulthood, that is not to say every child growing up in an abusive household will grow up to be a victim or an abuser but this the case most of the time.
My own girlfriend of 20 years to this day refuses to have anything to do with her husband, she is still married to him, but they have been separated for the past 8 years because of his abuse. I give her a lot of credit, doing it all on her own, working, raising her 3 kids. Its so hard to not feel for this family. She and her kids have been through hell.
I myself now am considering seeing a therapist. Not that I am hurting over this and I cant deal, but my dreams lately are just so violent, full of death, blood, and monsters, which to me in an indication that something is seriously wrong. For me to be afraid to go to sleep at night is ludicrous.
I cant seem to get away from this man no matter what I do. He has all the power, all the money, all the resources, and all I have is the kids. He can come and go as he pleases and I have to be the responsible one, raising the kids and sacrificing myself for them. I have no job skills of my own, I dropped out of school in 9th grade when I turned 16 so I have little education although my reading level is pre-college, I read a lot on everything. Currently we have 2 weeks left in my girlfriend's home and I am no closer to freedom then when I left NY. I still havent found a place of our own and my money is dwindling because I have had to support the kids in food, clothing for school, and bills and myself.
A dear friend of mine and I were talking yesterday, as we often do, and he told me that I cant kid him, that I still love my husband. I dont love him anymore, how can I after all this man has done? He has threatened me, raised his hands to me, hit my children, harrassed me, cheated on me, screamed at me three inches from my face, made me hyperventilate; while I was pregnant no less, he has unlawfully restrained and restricted me from leaving either the bedroom or the house itself on numerous occasions to which my girlfriend, her children, and my mother have witnessed. But I am not supposed to speak out about this. I am to comply with whatever he dishes out. I am to take his word for gospel when I have my own thoughts, dreams, ideas and feelings. He would dictate these to me.
How can a woman love a man that is controlling, jealous, chauvinistic, egotistical, and often times very angry at the whole world when the whole world doesnt care one way or the other if he lives or dies? Everything has to be perfect and the center of his world or its no go. How can a woman love a man like that?
Often times, the abuser will beat his wife/girlfriend, then turn around later and apologize, maybe surprise her with a gift of some kind to gain her trust back, then turn around the very next day, or even a few hours later and do it again. This is how they gain control and make us live in fear. The slightest infraction sends these men in uncontrollable rages and we get a black eye and a bloody lip, sometimes even worse. So where does it end? How long must we endure the shame and the complete and utter feeling of helplessness we feel?
How do we espcape this violent lifestyle with no repercussions from our abusers and without resources or skills to make it on our own and raise our children in a safe and loving environment? How do we live without violence at all?
9-8-05
Even to this day, my husband is the same, makes no difference that we are in separate states. I cannot do a thing without having to discuss or telling him first. I had gotten a tatoo and a belly piercing the other day, he flipped out because I didnt tell him. Its not like it cost him anything, it didnt, they were both free. He is contstantly accusing me of cheating on him but yet he is the one cheating on me. I have no done a thing except make it my buisness to provide for the children. He has even threatened to have them taken away, and for what? Because I told JAG he wasnt sending a rent check that he was supposed to send in order to prevent our eviction from our apartment in NY? Its absurd!
He claims to have all this information on me but there isnt anything to have. I dont party, I dont do drugs....I mind my own business. But yet I have a stack of folders of his harassment, abuse, infidelity.... these I do not want to use unless I am pushed and have no other options. All our financial support relies on him. Just to get out of moving to Louisiana with him, I had lied and told him just now that I had gotten a job, which is false because I know he'd flip out if I simply told him I do not love him anymore. I do not want him coming down here and starting trouble. I cannot afford to be kicked out of my girlfriend's house because of him; I have lost too much already. I havent even been able to pay my bills because of all this. I have witnesses that will and can attest to his violence on numerous occasions, mainly my own mother.
It makes no difference to me that while he has never physically beat me, he is abusive in many other ways and since he has raised his hands to me on more than one occasion, that proves to me that he has the potential to be PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE to me and/or the kids if we do anything to piss off this man and it wouldnt matter what it was over. I should not have to wait for him to hit me before I can get out of this relationship safely, nor should I have to wait for help. I have tried the ANG (Army National Guard) and we all see where that went. I got made out to be some kind of gold-digging bitch...thats what hes been filling his commanding officers with. It ends here, this day, tonight!
26 June 2006
Well, things have certainly changed since I wrote all this last year in 2005. I moved back from Florida, stayed in another shelter for 3 months with 2 of my 3 kids, Jasmine had to stay behind in Florida unfortunately.
In those 3 months my husband continued to harass, stalk, threaten, and otherwise drove me nuts. Upon securing a new apartment, I kicked him out, and got a job. I started divorce proceedings.
There is also a new man in my life that I love with all my heart and soul, and we plan to marry after my divorce. I am just so incredibly happy!
Rich drove by the store today.he didnt see me flip him the bird lol. But he did stop by while Knighthawk was here. That was certainly interesting. Knighthawk politely stayed in my office, while Rich was pissed off because he couldnt talk to me privately. My friend Joy also happened by; which pissed him off even more, but surprisingly; Rich didnt really say a word. He was annoyed though I could tell that I have friends and it doesnt include him. Oh well.
Now instead of saying can we talk privately about some things, he just said Ill talk to you when youre alone, but the problem is I dont want to be alone with him. Not because Im in love with Knighthawk, but because I fear Rich, and what he might do if I do not comply with his wishes. He has threatened to hit me before, and my phone is disconnected. I dont even have time on my cell. Thats why Knighthawk and Joy (once she discovered Rich was here) stuck around until after he left.
I would defend myself sure, I can defend myself, but I got my boys here; they are 7 and 3, and the last thing they need is to see their mom fighting for her life with a really big dude. Not that I think it would come to that, but I dont take any chances with my boys or me.
He never did appreciate my strength of mind, or my religious background. He never once told me I am a good mom or a good person, with him it was always about sex. Now dont get me wrong, I love making love and the whole getting busy thing toobut with him after a while because of the abuse, it became a chore. I did it just so he would leave me alone for a week or 2.I always didnt feel good or I was tired just so I didnt have to couple with him.
With Knighthawk its different. I love him and I want to be with him. He turns me on so much it frightens me sometimes. With him, I want it all the time. With Knighthawk, I want to give 100% of myself because he gives me 100%thats the way it should be.
With Rich, it was always what he wanted, what he needed, his dreams, his his his histhats all I ever heard, it was neverhoney how you doing, you look so beautiful, can I make you a cup of tea, Im sorry youre having such a bad day etc. Yet I was required to do that for him. I couldnt have friends oh Goddess forbid! It was ridiculous. I was suffering for lack of humans other than him and the kids and he never saw it, and if he did he just didnt give a shit.
Well thats all over now thankfully. I am wiser, and stronger than before he went to Iraq. I am gaining my self-confidence back thanks to Knighthawk, not to mention, my self-respect.
13 August 2007
Things have certainly changed since this was last updated. I have with my new partner for over a year have recently founded Guiding Angels Ministries working with Domestic Violence victims. I still have my issues as do we all but as a now Ordained Minister I am able to help others through my own experience with DV. It hasnt been easy of course, and the ex still lingers but he hasnt caused my family or me any problems. If he does, I know through the grace of the Mother Goddess, we can overcome any obstacle set before us.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
You can't change him. You can't make him see things he doesn't want to see and you can't tell him he's wrong because he doesn't think he is. He feels this is quite normal (abusive/manipulative parent, perhaps) and so he continues to treat you like this. And if (or when) you decide to leave his ass, he will do so with the next woman.
My ex husband STILL believes he has some sort of control over me, seven years later. He uses our children to get to me because he knows they are the most important thing in my life. If we hadn't had children together....he'd be history by now. I have learned to stand up to him. I have let him know that he no longer scares me and he can act however he wants because one day it will come to bite him in the ass.
I have noticed that even with his new wife, he is this way. She use to be a mortgage broker, owned her own house, etc. Now she stays at home and sews, makes him special meals, cleans house, looks pretty for him, etc. The moment she rebels (if she hasn't already) he will act sheepish and apologize to get what he wants...I've seen it all before and it's weak.
My ex was abused as a child and watched his mother get absused by his father. I guess he thought he could do it to me and my kids. I dont thinks so buddy!
Really makes me wonder if some people were wired together properly!
i am so glad that you are dealing with this and recovering.
btw, i know you on LJ. i started the "healing circle" community there. i recognized you because you mention guiding angels ministries. small (cyber) world, isn't it?
(added you as a friend)
I'm glad you were able to write this out & get it out as a part of yr process.xo
Yea he is definitly a few fries short of a happy meal..and that whole I was abused as a child, my da beat my ma no one loves me no one understands me the world is out to get me **** just doesnt work anymore...oh poor hubby!
I have avoided responding to any of your posts because I find them confusing and disturbing in the extreme and I simply didn't want to be at all involved.
Your track record of abuse and very unstable relationships is not limited to your ex-husband. I see through all your posts legal issues that are also very disturbing to me. charges of embezzlement, religious discrimmination just to name two.
I have no doubt and do not deny your right to post your history of abuse here.
I strongly object however to you soliciting requests for donations to a ministry to which you don't legally have charter rights to.
Ouch thats harsh. First of all I would like to ask who made you judge and jury? Not only for DS, but for religious organizations, and other related sites. Second, Guiding Angels Ministries is under a charter...if you had checked out the website before drawing conclusions you would have seen that.
As for my issues..you make it sound like I asked for my ex to abuse me. That is simply not the case.
If people choose to check out any of my websites and contribute, thats their choice to make, not your's to say yea or nay. Enough said.