Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
How do I deal with these feelings after leaving my abuser?
I felt this way so much before I got into abusive relationships - I think that's a big part of the reason I ended up there.
I try to love myself, do nice things for myself, distract myself, be a little social...
But I still get sad and lonely almost every day, especially at night.
Sometimes I felt this way when I was with my abuser, but it really seemed like it wasn't very often.
I wonder why... Was it because I was so focused on fussing over him? Was I just too distracted by the drama and the abuse?
Did his fixation on me at times make me feel not alone, even though it was mostly negative?
I wish I knew why I have felt so lonely for all of my life.
Anyone have any ideas or can relate?
I felt this way so much before I got into abusive relationships - I think that's a big part of the reason I ended up there.
I try to love myself, do nice things for myself, distract myself, be a little social...
But I still get sad and lonely almost every day, especially at night.
Sometimes I felt this way when I was with my abuser, but it really seemed like it wasn't very often.
I wonder why... Was it because I was so focused on fussing over him? Was I just too distracted by the drama and the abuse?
Did his fixation on me at times make me feel not alone, even though it was mostly negative?
I wish I knew why I have felt so lonely for all of my life.
Anyone have any ideas or can relate?
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A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
I can relate to how you feel. I too felt very lonely and anxious to have a serious boyfriend before I met my ex. Since I felt so lonely for so long, I was willing to stay with my ex for as long as I did...even though I knew he was being emotionally abusive. I too am feeling sad, lonely, and afraid that I will never feel love again. I do have to say that having the mentality of "take each day and even moment one step at a time," has really helped me. You never know what can happen in life. You could meet the man you will be with for years tomorrow. In that case, don't bother stressing out about feeling lonely. Just enjoy each moment for things can change within a day. I hope that helps, for it has helped me! How have you been doing? Have any things helped you?
I will try and think about "one moment at a time".
I guess what helps most is distracting myself. Like reading about stuff or chatting with someone.
Also, yelling at the negative thoughts to go away. :)
I had to undergo therapy/counseling, and I attended a few support groups for survivors which helped quite a bit. Just remember that you have great support on this site, and never have to feel lonely.
I am not really too depressed, but incredibly bored.
I sit at home alone every night.
In this cold weather I have become almost a hermit not even wanting to go to the grocery store. I am SO bored, yet I do not have any money to do anything. Right now I am having to pay for my roof to be replaced, so there is literally not a single extra penny to spend. Thank God for the internet!!
I just so look forward to spring when I can actually get out of the house and do some gardening and yardwork and go for a walk. (it is 20 degrees and sleeting here)
I do find that I have a level of peace not dealing with insulting sneers from my ex, or worrying about what he is out doing behind my back.
I have also always been a lonely person, and it's something I have yet to figure out why this is. I don't have what I would call good friends, just a few I met through work who are just that: "work friends".
There must be some connection between this personality and getting involved with abusive men. I wish I could get someone to tell me to my face what it is about my personality that turns people off. I am a very nice although very quiet person and I have noticed the world loves a loud outgoing personality regardless of the lack of any genuine qualities.
We need to work on why 'just being around' and having pain inflicted on us..Sometimes still seems better than being alone?.....even when we know, they caused us so much hurt, pain and real loneliness?....
We also mourn the person we first fell in love with..the person we once saw as being charming, loving, and our 'soulmate'..not the person we discovered they really were..and miss the better times, inbetween the abuse..
Coping With Loneliness:....(I just found this online)..
Teresa broke up with her boyfriend about six months ago and whilst the feeling of being heart broken had disappeared she was still in a lot of pain. Like many of the single people I coach Teresa was often caught out by her feelings of loneliness. It really came to a head for her on January 1st at about 2am in the morning. What she found to be especially painful was the fact that she'd just spent the last 6 hours partying with her favorite friends after a day on the ski slopes with them.
Loneliness is one of the reasons I insist my clients agree to a 'man ban' during the first couple of months at the end of a relationship. Feeling lonely is such a powerful pain that people will get into further unhealthy relationships in order to avoid it.
I've been coaching people long enough to know that feeling lonely can happen in a multitude of circumstances and ways; Having to go to a wedding on your own because you're only allowed to bring a 'significant ' other and then returning to an empty house. Trying to organise a girlie lunch or a boys night out and having your friends bring their partners along. Being continually surrounded by happy, laughing couples having their perfect relationships all around you in the street or out shopping. And then you have the pain of shopping for one and then carrying it all home on your own.
Added to all that you have got the agony of pretending that everything's fine because you'd hate anyone to know you're lonely because it's so unattractive that only adds to your sense of isolation.
The first point I make about loneliness is that it can't kill you, you won't die of it. It is only ever going to be a feeling. It is a particularly insidious one, but you're always going to be far bigger than your worst feeling. It's no excuse for getting yourself into yet another pointless relationship because it's better than nothing.
That emptiness you're feeling is the new found space in your life that's opened up for you to explore. Right after a break-up you've got heart break but eventually it just feels like you've got a hole in your life. That hole is a space that you could grow into. A space to explore who you really are..and to relish a new found freedom, to heal, abd learn to be yourself fully. Being single is said to be a luxury we often fail to notice in our desire to get back into a relationship.
Different people handle the experience of being single in different ways. For some it's very painful and for others it's a cause for celebration as they get back out into 'the game', knowing they are one step closer to winning. Bare minimum they now have enough free time to catch up with their friends or upgrade their wardrobe.
In order for a situation to be really, really painful you must believe three things are true of it. You must believe it's permanent, personal and all pervasive.
Teresa was busy telling her self that she'd never find another man because she was totally depressed and always would be.
She was miserable because 'everyone' she knew seemed to have a relationship so her failure really was (as far as she was concerned) personal to her. Added to which Teresa told herself that no one really cared about her situation and her friends were all sick of her whining. She'd taken to drinking on her own at home whilst singing along to an 'All by Myself' type sound tracks a la Bridget Jones with dreams of being rescued.
You may be lonely but you're a long way from being alone. All over what ever town or city you live in are people just like you feeling lonely and worthless because they aren't in a relationship. The irony of course is that the reason Bridget Jones was such a hit is that everyone could identify with it. Even the men I coach, their loneliness may look a little different but it's just as painful.
Loneliness is not just personal to you, many of us can feel lonely, but remember, loneliness is more acute, especially within a bad relationship.
Teresa realised fairly quickly that it really wasn't a permanent state. Through her day there were certain hot spots like going to bed, waking up alone, sitting down for breakfast or as she was putting on her runnings hoes which were all things she did with her ex. So we came up with some ways of breaking up those feelings. This is a fairly well kept secret but getting your self a cuddly teddy bear, giraffe or even elephant a good book, a good counsellor, talk to a good friend..treat yourself to a massage, all these things can help you get over that empty feeling.
You could also get a cat or dog if you can deal with the responsibility and your lease allows for it. Getting yourself something cuddly can help!
The other thing about permanence is that it's clearly not true. You've been in love before and you will love again, that much is a given. There are thousands of people out there who in time..would like to get to know you better.
The more interesting challenge is setting up a good relationship with yourself..Then you won't spend too much time looking back.
Teresa's had gone a long way to convincing herself that all her friends had gone off her and didn't want to deal with her sadness.
Her lack of love was now seemed all pervasive. As a result she'd started staying home on the weekends and had got herself into a vicious circle. This was very easily interrupted by Teresa phoning her closest friends and making an arrangement to go to the cinema with them and then building on that connection.
It's really that simple, if you're feeling bad you'll be telling yourself that at least two of the terrible triad are true. Is your situation really permanent, personal and all pervasive? The faster you can dismantle that particular piece of internal dialogue the better you'll feel. So what are you saying to yourself that's making all of this so much worse?
Tips on Dealing With Loneliness
Do something physical that involves other people
Learn how to rock climb which will teach you to trust people again. Learn Ceroc or some other partnered dance which will at the very least mean that someone you like will hold your hand at some point in an evening. All of these things get you out of your head and back into your body.
Become one with yourself
Tai Chi, Yoga and meditationcould also help but they lack a sense of connection to others which can be important when lonely.
The up side of these practices is that you may learn to get your feelings into perspective and stop having to run away from them. facing feelings, anf moving through them..is no small thing.
Plan ahead:
Try to arrange things to do with people well ahead of the times you'd normally get sunk in feeling lonely. Don't leave it until Friday night to start planning for your weekend.
It's a funny thing but sometimes the thing we miss most is having someone to care about. You could do voluteer work, or reach out to someone else who is lonely?.
Moving on, and getting away, and surviving, and learning to stop irrationally 'loving them' can be so painful, so hard..But it really does get much easier..in time..
Remember, its NOT your fault he was abusive..and its NOT your fault he made it impossible..and that you deserved none of the abuse..and that you deserve so much much better..
Heres to all overcoming loneliness..and moving on to a new and better life'...
Here are some good books which can help with 'moving on'..and which can help concentrate the heart and mind on what is most inportant...Especially no longer living with abuse..
The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Mfcc Engel
Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out; On relationship and recovery, by Patricia Evans
Woman's Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life by Jennifer Louden
Women and Self-Esteem: Understanding and Improving the Way We Think and Feel About Ourselves by Linda Tschirhart Sanford
Self-Nurture: Learningto Care for Yourself As Effectively As You Care for Everyone Else by Alice D. Domar
The Woman's Retreat Book : A Guide to Restoring, Rediscovering, and Reawakening Your True Self in a Moment, an Hour, a Day, or a Weekend (Comfort Book) by Jennifer Louden.
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen
Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
Abused: A Guide to Recovery for Adult Survivors of Emotional/Physical Child Abuse by Dee Anna Parrish
Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman: Wisdom and Hope for Women At Any Stage of Emotional Abuse Recovery by Beverly Engel
Violent Voices: 12 Steps to Freedom from Verbal and Emotional Abuse by Kay Marie Porterfield.