Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Theres loads of reasons why we still continue to 'love' our abuser, despite them not returning that love..in any decent way at all..
One is 'hope'..
When we meet them, we 'fall in love'..We click with something very primitive, and at that point, they are usually, very caring and attentive, and seemingly, very loving..Everything we could have wished for?..or so we imagine?..
This is before their 'abusive' nature begins to reveal itself...
When the controlling hurtful abuser begins to emerge..We can cling on, 'living in hope', awaiting the 'honeymoon' periods, inbetween being treated like a piece of dirt..being shouted at, possibly ignored for weeks on end?..maybe controlled?..maybe all our needs for intimacy denied..and our feelings ignored, or ridiculed..Maybe being physically hurt?. Then theres lies, and denial of things that happen...No revisiting of bad behaviours, denial of bad behaviours..hurt and more hurt..
Then there is a 'honeymoon' period...
Where we pray 'good guy' is back..The guy we were sure we had first met?..The real guy?
Except the 'good guy' never comes back..He just gives you a bit of that..To keep up your hope..and in the meantime..he loves to see you hurting, he just loves to see your pain...You cry..and he has no empathy..he doesn't care...'Bad guy'...Is real....Except..We live on in 'hope'..still loving 'good guy'..Who is not real..Who never was...But its too hard to accept..because you saw him a while back?..For a few days???..he brought you a cup of tea in bed once??..after weeks of shouting at you?..he did/does exist doesn't he??? I still love him...Mr. Mirage?..Don't I?? Otherwise I got it all wrong?..Otherwise hes just an abusive mind wrecking nutcase?....
'Even once we have acknowledged to ourselves, and possibly others, that there is a very serious problem, we still hold out hope that things will change, that we can somehow work this out. It is difficult letting go of the dream of a happy couple or family and accepting that abusers very rarely change. In our efforts to maintain hope, we can cling to memories of 'good times' together, or concentrate on the 'honeymoon phases', hoping change has come, and it will last'.
Hope or no hope..The reality is, he is NOT a 'good guy' after all..he is usually in reality a mind wrecking hurtful and controlling narcissist...Who will always let you down, and keep hurting you.and who will keep 'enjoying' causing you pain..for his own sense of 'control over'..
Theres is often denial...
'Often a woman will find it difficult to classify herself as 'abused' (or battered). While we deny there is a problem and pretend everything is okay, we can continue to believe it is. Many people tell themselves "it is not that bad", or "it is not him, it is the drink, drugs, etc". We all want to believe the best of our partner, and it can often take years of repeated victimisation or frequent visits to hospital before we can accept the reality of our situation'.
There is often 'guilt'...
'We can buy into the myth that the abuse is really our fault, that we somehow provoked it, deserved it, or are otherwise responsible for it. Most abusers shift the blame onto their victim, making us responsible for their emotional and often physical well-being, and it can be very hard realising that they alone are responsible for their actions'.
We can be left wishing we had tried harder?..That if only we had done 'such and such'..They might not have behaved so badly?..That we have responsibility for it?..That we both really love each other..and that we were as much to blame?
Not true...They make it impossible..Not us..Nothing anyone can do, justifies 'abuse'..or getting abused..Nothing ever...
Then theres the 'stockholm syndrome'..
'Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD
Thursday, 8 January 2009
'People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember they've thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar Disorder recently told me "I can't believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy!" A common reaction is "I can't believe I did that!"
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as "I know what he's done to me, but I still love him", "I don't know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her".
Recently I've heard "This doesn't make sense. He's got a new girlfriend and he's abusing her toobut I'm jealous!" Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is Yes!
On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prisonescapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees "The party has just begun!" The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had "bonded" emotionally with their captors.
While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due to the publicity, the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:
Abused Children
Battered/Abused Women
Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
Prisoners of War
Cult Members
Incest Victims
Criminal Hostage Situations
Concentration Camp Prisoners
The 'Stockholm Syndrome' reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual.
Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.'
We can grow to begin to see our abusers as our only hope...'emotionally bonding with an abuser can actually begin to seem like a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation.'
Some other factors can be...
'Intense need for love and affection.
Low self esteem. (Belief that you can't have/ don't deserve better treatment.)
A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.)
Strong need for any relationship to feel validated.
Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.
Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.
Lack of self esteem.
Loyalty to the abuser can take precedence over emotional or physical wellbeing or safety.
We can also 'love too much'..
We can keep loving and wanting to love our abuser..Even when everything tells us..its not at all in our interests..
'Everyone says that most women are very emotional creatures. So, naturally we love, we give, we think, we analyze, we analyze some more, we hurt, we cry, we forgive, we try to forget and all the while we continue to love.
We love things, people, and places, memories of actual and fantasized events. We love the possibilities of things to come and those that have long been forgotten by everyone else but us, because sometimes, we can love so damn much'
Our forgiving natures, can also keep us loving, way beyond when it is in our best interests..or contrary, to our wellbeing..
There are also other aspects of being involved with a narcissistic abuser:
'The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of subjugation. It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist.
The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction. This lack of proper interface with reality can be labelled 'pathological'.
Why is it that the partner then sometimes seeks to prolong her pain? While also still thinking this is 'love'?..On the break-up of the relationship, often it is the partner (but not the narcissist), who usually is unable to find closure and can engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem'. This can have much to do with conditioning.
The abusers' repetitive treatment is how they 'condition' their victims over a long period of time, to stay with them. They can also make the victim believe that there is absolutely no way that they can leave the relationship and survive. Narcisstic abusers often make their victims feel that they cannot make it on their own, that they 'need' their abusers, and that they are not worthy of anyone else's love and attention.'
The victim who loves an abuser has trouble accepting that the person they fell in love with, is so damaged that they can't function without a huge need to control..and subsequent rage.
Victims frequently believe that if they love their abuser enough, the hurtful behavior will disappear. They think their love can possibly make up for all the neglect, abuse and abandonment their abuser received.
Victims of abuse often don't understand that their love isn't enough. It will never be enough.
The bad will always hugely outweigh the good...
The 'good guy' is a mirage...The 'good guy' actually does not exist in reality and experience..
Abuse does cause trauma. People who live for years in abusive relationships are subject to huge emotional and often physical hurt and pain which also involves trauma (numbness and confusion).
It is so important to break the cycle with the help of further understanding of exactly what you are dealing with. A good abuse counsellor, can make all the difference. Once the abuse is fully processed, you can begin to see a lot more clearly.
Your love will only die, when you face the true facts, and real truth..head on.
Especially the fact that..Abuse is not about love, but 'control'....
And that loving an abuser, sadly, is actually based on a mirage.
One is 'hope'..
When we meet them, we 'fall in love'..We click with something very primitive, and at that point, they are usually, very caring and attentive, and seemingly, very loving..Everything we could have wished for?..or so we imagine?..
This is before their 'abusive' nature begins to reveal itself...
When the controlling hurtful abuser begins to emerge..We can cling on, 'living in hope', awaiting the 'honeymoon' periods, inbetween being treated like a piece of dirt..being shouted at, possibly ignored for weeks on end?..maybe controlled?..maybe all our needs for intimacy denied..and our feelings ignored, or ridiculed..Maybe being physically hurt?. Then theres lies, and denial of things that happen...No revisiting of bad behaviours, denial of bad behaviours..hurt and more hurt..
Then there is a 'honeymoon' period...
Where we pray 'good guy' is back..The guy we were sure we had first met?..The real guy?
Except the 'good guy' never comes back..He just gives you a bit of that..To keep up your hope..and in the meantime..he loves to see you hurting, he just loves to see your pain...You cry..and he has no empathy..he doesn't care...'Bad guy'...Is real....Except..We live on in 'hope'..still loving 'good guy'..Who is not real..Who never was...But its too hard to accept..because you saw him a while back?..For a few days???..he brought you a cup of tea in bed once??..after weeks of shouting at you?..he did/does exist doesn't he??? I still love him...Mr. Mirage?..Don't I?? Otherwise I got it all wrong?..Otherwise hes just an abusive mind wrecking nutcase?....
'Even once we have acknowledged to ourselves, and possibly others, that there is a very serious problem, we still hold out hope that things will change, that we can somehow work this out. It is difficult letting go of the dream of a happy couple or family and accepting that abusers very rarely change. In our efforts to maintain hope, we can cling to memories of 'good times' together, or concentrate on the 'honeymoon phases', hoping change has come, and it will last'.
Hope or no hope..The reality is, he is NOT a 'good guy' after all..he is usually in reality a mind wrecking hurtful and controlling narcissist...Who will always let you down, and keep hurting you.and who will keep 'enjoying' causing you pain..for his own sense of 'control over'..
Theres is often denial...
'Often a woman will find it difficult to classify herself as 'abused' (or battered). While we deny there is a problem and pretend everything is okay, we can continue to believe it is. Many people tell themselves "it is not that bad", or "it is not him, it is the drink, drugs, etc". We all want to believe the best of our partner, and it can often take years of repeated victimisation or frequent visits to hospital before we can accept the reality of our situation'.
There is often 'guilt'...
'We can buy into the myth that the abuse is really our fault, that we somehow provoked it, deserved it, or are otherwise responsible for it. Most abusers shift the blame onto their victim, making us responsible for their emotional and often physical well-being, and it can be very hard realising that they alone are responsible for their actions'.
We can be left wishing we had tried harder?..That if only we had done 'such and such'..They might not have behaved so badly?..That we have responsibility for it?..That we both really love each other..and that we were as much to blame?
Not true...They make it impossible..Not us..Nothing anyone can do, justifies 'abuse'..or getting abused..Nothing ever...
Then theres the 'stockholm syndrome'..
'Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD
Thursday, 8 January 2009
'People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember they've thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar Disorder recently told me "I can't believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy!" A common reaction is "I can't believe I did that!"
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as "I know what he's done to me, but I still love him", "I don't know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her".
Recently I've heard "This doesn't make sense. He's got a new girlfriend and he's abusing her toobut I'm jealous!" Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is Yes!
On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prisonescapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees "The party has just begun!" The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had "bonded" emotionally with their captors.
While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due to the publicity, the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:
Abused Children
Battered/Abused Women
Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
Prisoners of War
Cult Members
Incest Victims
Criminal Hostage Situations
Concentration Camp Prisoners
The 'Stockholm Syndrome' reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual.
Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.'
We can grow to begin to see our abusers as our only hope...'emotionally bonding with an abuser can actually begin to seem like a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation.'
Some other factors can be...
'Intense need for love and affection.
Low self esteem. (Belief that you can't have/ don't deserve better treatment.)
A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.)
Strong need for any relationship to feel validated.
Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.
Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.
Lack of self esteem.
Loyalty to the abuser can take precedence over emotional or physical wellbeing or safety.
We can also 'love too much'..
We can keep loving and wanting to love our abuser..Even when everything tells us..its not at all in our interests..
'Everyone says that most women are very emotional creatures. So, naturally we love, we give, we think, we analyze, we analyze some more, we hurt, we cry, we forgive, we try to forget and all the while we continue to love.
We love things, people, and places, memories of actual and fantasized events. We love the possibilities of things to come and those that have long been forgotten by everyone else but us, because sometimes, we can love so damn much'
Our forgiving natures, can also keep us loving, way beyond when it is in our best interests..or contrary, to our wellbeing..
There are also other aspects of being involved with a narcissistic abuser:
'The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of subjugation. It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist.
The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction. This lack of proper interface with reality can be labelled 'pathological'.
Why is it that the partner then sometimes seeks to prolong her pain? While also still thinking this is 'love'?..On the break-up of the relationship, often it is the partner (but not the narcissist), who usually is unable to find closure and can engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem'. This can have much to do with conditioning.
The abusers' repetitive treatment is how they 'condition' their victims over a long period of time, to stay with them. They can also make the victim believe that there is absolutely no way that they can leave the relationship and survive. Narcisstic abusers often make their victims feel that they cannot make it on their own, that they 'need' their abusers, and that they are not worthy of anyone else's love and attention.'
The victim who loves an abuser has trouble accepting that the person they fell in love with, is so damaged that they can't function without a huge need to control..and subsequent rage.
Victims frequently believe that if they love their abuser enough, the hurtful behavior will disappear. They think their love can possibly make up for all the neglect, abuse and abandonment their abuser received.
Victims of abuse often don't understand that their love isn't enough. It will never be enough.
The bad will always hugely outweigh the good...
The 'good guy' is a mirage...The 'good guy' actually does not exist in reality and experience..
Abuse does cause trauma. People who live for years in abusive relationships are subject to huge emotional and often physical hurt and pain which also involves trauma (numbness and confusion).
It is so important to break the cycle with the help of further understanding of exactly what you are dealing with. A good abuse counsellor, can make all the difference. Once the abuse is fully processed, you can begin to see a lot more clearly.
Your love will only die, when you face the true facts, and real truth..head on.
Especially the fact that..Abuse is not about love, but 'control'....
And that loving an abuser, sadly, is actually based on a mirage.
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A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
let's start an outlet list.
here's afew: having been isolated ( lack of friends & family contact.)
he gain & has financial control.
lack of mental rest.
begin to question your ownself.
brain washed.
and the list goes on...
I left profession womanizer & professional lier who believed his own lies. With a job, I was homeless for a yr and it was absolutly worth it.
It's so upsetting to me now when people say things like "It was your choice to be there" because even though I want to take responsiblity, I certainly did not feel like I even had the capacity to choose at the time.
For me it was really that I had wanted so much for him to look after me and take away the pain of my childhood. I so wanted to FINALLY be happy.
This was a great reason for me to deny/ minimise that he was hurting me. I believed him when he told me I was mad.
I was not mad. I was hurting and didn't have the strength to change things.
I also understand everyone elses reasons for staying..Mine also were a mixture of all those also..
Blueglitter..I also wanted what you wanted..'For me it was really that I had wanted so much for him to look after me and take away the pain of my childhood. I so wanted to FINALLY be happy'
Talk about getting the opposite!!
admiral..yes there are also others reasons 'women stay'..and financial reasons are in there also..Also the following reasons..
'Isolation. Many victims of domestic violence do not have a support system. The abuser has isolated them. For example, the abuser may prohibit the victim from using the phone, may humiliate him/her at family gatherings, may insist on transporting him/her to and from work, or may censor his/her mail. Abusers are often highly possessive and excessively jealous. They believe that they own the victim and are entitled to his/her exclusive attention and absolute obedience. The abuser knows that if the truth is known about his/her conduct, support persons will encourage the victim to leave the abuser. Therefore, abusers isolate victims in order to sustain the power of violence.
Societal denial:
Victims of domestic violence fear that no one will believe that their partners abuse them. Abusers are often ingratiating and popular and keep their terrorizing and controlling behaviors within the family behind closed doors. The victim knows this and it compounds his/her fear that no one will believe them. Victims of domestic violence also discover that many people and agencies in the community trivialize the impact of domestic violence. For example, doctors may prescribe Valium for coping, ministers may recommend more accommodating behaviors, and therapists may advise better communication with the abuser. Victims conclude that if others do not understand the seriousness of the violence, they will condemn the disruption caused by leaving the relationship.
Abusers threats:
Even when the victim decides to leave, the abuser may threaten to seek custody of their children, to withhold financial support, to interfere with the victim?s employment or housing, to kill other family members, to commit retaliatory suicide, or to escalate the violence in an attempt to keep the victim in the relationship.
Dangers in leaving:
Many victims believe that leaving is not going to make his/her life and their children?s lives safer. Many victims of domestic violence are killed by their partners after they have left the abuser. Leaving, itself, can be a dangerous process. Many abusers escalate their violence in order to coerce the victim into a reconciliation or to retaliate for the victim?s departure. Leaving requires strategic planning and legal intervention to safeguard victims and their children.
Economic dependency:
The most likely indicator of whether a victim of domestic violence will permanently separate from his/her abuser is whether s/he has the economic resources to survive without the abuser.
Therefore, it is incredibly important that victims obtain support awards in protection orders and are referred to abused women?s programs where they can learn about other economic supports, job training, and employment opportunities.
Leaving is a process:
Most victims of domestic violence leave and return several times before permanently separating from the abuser.
The first time a victim leaves may be a test to see whether the abuser will obtain help or stop his/her abuse.
The victim may leave temporarily in order to gain more information about the resources available to her before leaving the abuser permanently.
Most victims of domestic violence do leave eventually. When victims stay, friends, family, and agencies in the community need to look to see what they are doing to hinder the process of leaving and make changes to facilitate leaving.
EllaA..They wear you down..Until you are unable to decide whats best for you...Or able to make choices, and that wasn't at all your fault..
The main thing is..To be away eventually..and to get away...
But to anyone 'still there'..Please know, that life afterwards..IS possible..and leaving will be the very best thing, you will ever do, for yourself...
I hope others read this and take it to heart.
Hugs sister!
After the incident regarding fish tank - where I had no chois but to protect my own life against being beaten by Mr Jerk, it took me 2 yrs to reclaim my mind and healthy life style, na, I wasn't nutts - I was just married to knucle dranging abuseive nut case.
Down side being that It hard for me to go to sleep befor my guest do who spend thier vacations w me. It didnt take me long to write a plan nor to pack my car and it really wasnt that hard to maintain employment while I was homeless.
Oh ya some may ask what they should tell thier abuser befor they leave or file for divorce. After my car was pack and on a Fri I simply told mine I wished him well and that I know my furure and his will be in hell - bye - oh ya I laid down my atty business card in ft of Mr Jerk. ok I waited afew minutes right befor he had to leave for work to tell him to go take a jump off the shollow end.