I am sitting here crying-- missing the man who belittled me, intimidated me, ridiculed me, ran around on me, scared me, humiliated me, manipulated me and gave me herpes. He was my fiance. I thought my dreams were coming true. I thought he was finally changing. I thought we were going to live happily ever after. But instead, the more I thought about a future with him, the more panicked I got. For over a year while we were dating I just felt nervous and confused. I set so much aside-- when he put the knife against my skin, when he chased a car down the road with me screaming next to him and rammed the other car to prove a point, the fat comments (I am underweight), the hair comments, the old comments-- but "baby I'm just busting your chops." When I finally called it quits, his heart opened up and he was filled with love for me. He didn't want to live without me. He HAD to talk to me. He HAD to see me. I got a protective order. It was like "waving a red flag in front of a bull." He wouldn't stop e-mailing. He hired a private investigator to get my new number. The law meant nothing. I moved out of state. I went downtown to get my protective order registered in the new state. The advocate thought it was abuse. Was it really abuse? Or was it just an unhealthy relationship? I have a high-profile job, I make a great salary, I'm well-educated, and the life has been sucked out of me. Somehow, my self-esteem seeped out of every pore of my body. I have to take medicine for the rest of my life because he gave me herpes. Somehow, his behavior is minimized and the demise of the relationship is all my fault. He is blameless. The other night, I was afraid he would come find me if I didn't agree to speak with him. I was afraid I would have to explain about the protective order to my new employer. So I agreed to "hear him out." He let me have it for 56 minutes. Then he sent me a few emails that cut to the quick. He may as well have punched me in the stomach. I tried to calm him down. I tried to make him feel better, but I was firm. I told him I could not marry him. I asked him to respect my decision. Suddenly, it's quiet. The harrassment has stopped. Why do I feel empty? How did I get so sick?
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