Oh, Sweetie... I am so sorry you are having to endure this "man child." You are a beautiful young woman and you deserve better than this.

I was with a mentally ill husband for 17 years. His M/O was "suicide." Every six months or so, he either threatened to or attempted suicide. (Never seriously, I suspect - it was just an attention getter.)

His behavior became really erratic over the years and finally a psychiatrist told me... "YOU are going to be a statistic. The headlines will read 'Husband shoots wife and turns gun on Self.'

Okay... THAT did it. I never spent another night with him. Ever.

That was ten years ago. Apparently, he was not all that mentally ill because he has remarried and the "new and improved" wife he now has does not ALLOW him to act out. (According to what I have heard through the grapevine.)

I suppose I was not the right "parent/partner" for him. I didn't want to be his mommy.

Let me explain this one thing... YOU cannot help HIM. You have to help YOU. You are not responsible for his actions and you cannot apologize for his behavior.

Feather your nest, Honey. This marriage ain't long for the world and YOU need to be prepared to fly solo.

Jo :)

Thanks so much NannyJo. I'm right there with you. I've more or less been getting things ready for divorce (biding my time)..waiting to see if counseling will help or if medication will help. I can identify with the "mother" issue. I think sometimes that what he wants and I'm not willing to be that. I already have a 4 year old...I don't need another. By the way, my son has been staying with my parents (just across town) until we get things worked out or divorce. So I'm keeping him out of the situation. The scary thing is...I just left my boss (who knows about everything and is very supportive) an email with my parents #'s just in case he didn't hear from me after Tuesday. I dont' really think anything will happen,...it's just that "what if"..

I don't know if this will help but he sounds so much like the man who drifts in and out of my life. I also rationalised him as ill and only I could help him/understand him. I eventually had him assessed by a mental health facility and the upshot was that he chooses to be like that, he actually had the capacity to decide to do things better but was getting some sort of pay off by being like he is. I am still trapped now but I don't think for a minute anything is my fault anymore and am hoping for a way to 'pack my shit and get the fuck out' soon. Good luck with it all.

ok, if he is beating up the trash can so he does not beat you, get out. Don't go out of town with him. Just move out. Think about your son.

I can relate alot. It's killing to our spirit to try to walk on eggshells, waiting for the next rage attack. You are not alone! I too am not ready to leave, though we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, we are still dating. When I see your name, I know from my own experience we too need help when our mate we are attatched to is so bad off. Mine is nearly suicidal and this keeps me hooked. I am sorry. Our 1 year anniversary was Thursday. Best thing is to have a plan B, be ready to leave if you have to, if you feel endangered in any way... we can get immune to this when we overlook it continually. Have a way to get away and the supplies you need to make it, best thing to not depend too much on him as he is so unstable... A Domestic Violence hotline phonenumber in case you need help is not out of order (you do not have to have been hit to need their help) HUG

i agree get out and dont go on trip with him make any excuse

Please do not attend marriage counseling with him. Joint counseling is the worse thing to do in an abusive relationship. If therapy or counseling is needed make sure it is done individually. As far as him saying what he did and beating up the trashcan these are pure signs that he is not far from taking his anger out on you. You need to start creating an exit strategy. Take if from someone who knows. This never gets better but will get alot worse.

Sasha is right. Its not marriage counseling you need, it's indiviual therapy. Which usually doesn't work for abusers, so plan to get out. And read "Why does he do that?? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men". The book is recommended elsewhere on this board, in the "I GET IT" post.

Yea,it's usually all about them. My husband was put on Prozac and it's amazing how much it helped him. It stopped working and he's on different meds. They help but not as much as the Prozac did. He's struggling though.
We were in Gatlinburg just a few months ago and he was a real horses patoot. We weren't there 10 minutes when he announced he was leaving,that he hated Gatlinburg. He started walking to the car and yelled angrily,"C'MON GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE". I just ignored him and he left me there. I just enjoyed Gatlinburg and 2 hours later,here he comes,furious that he had to look for me. I refused to get in the car with him and he tore off. I'm over being embarassed by him.
2 hours later,here he comes. i think he knew I would get a hotel in Gatlinburg if he didn't show up. I would have.:)
He was so apologetic and almost in tears. he said,"I don't know why I do these things to you. Maybe I need more meds". I said,"Nope,you are an abuser. Only you can stop it at this point. We went through this 5 years ago but I'm not trying anymore. you aren't even smart enough to know you are embarassing YOURSELF,not me". But he doesn't care what people think.
I did notice he made an appt with our counselor as soon as we got home though.
DEFINITELY try the meds though. My husband was amazing on Prozac.

Are the abuser's rages really the manic side of bipolar behavior? I was told anxiety can be the manic side of bipolar spectrum, does the abuser have an illness that responds to medication?

how are u today and do u have an exit strategy

I've thought about this alot. I don't know if my husband is bi-polar or not. His is a mixture,I think,of psychological and physiological. He was an only child and terribly,terrible spoiled. His rages were allowed to go on forever,I was told by a family member. No one could stand to be around him. I still see this in him. But the meds helped him so much. When the prozac worked, he was amazing. So,I think is is a mixture of things.