i need someone to help me.

i know no one is replying to this post, but i just cut really bad. i only did
not twice so far on my wrist. i feel so alone in this and am frightened to hope. So i cut myself, and want to cut more. i only slept two hours last night, really cat nap like. i drove myself to work, i do not work on Sat, but i needed and thought it was a good idea. But i can not think, other than to worry. i feel as if i spoke my voice shall cause an echo i am so alone. i don't know what to do to stop punishing for hoping.... Thank i will ever be free from this life, this hell house.


Chynanoone

I really feel for you especially the cutting part. I am a cutter and I know exactly what you are going through. I do not know your history but if it is so bad that you have a chance to get out, you need to do it. I am here to talk if you need to.

As i said i went to work so as to try to keep my mind off of everything. i had to leave work because they are closing. i went to work because i can not keep my mind from worrying about the meeting. i brought all of it to the hell house so to keep me busy. i have not heard from them ( the people that said they would help me get out) as of yet, its 3:00pm, so i will assume this is not real as i suspected. My brother said he was right, for people like us this kind of thing does not happen. i told my brother awhile ago, he did not support this idea (getting help). i should have known. i really wanted this to be so, to be free, to not be hurt anymore at the hands of my kin. i never hoped for anything more than to be free. Well that was my minute of poor pitiful me, now i shall resume my daily work (chores) and just do what needs done. Can i just say one more thing? i have never forgotten about this dream. Its hard not to have hope as my brother says, and i have learned it is dangerous. i just know that God will some how allow this to be. Its in the waiting part that is hard. i suffer for a reason, i think its to teach others and have never hated or have been angry for the things that have/is happened to me. As i like to think of them as life lessons and that i am to teach people to see God as i do, for i have never lost my love for my God.
It's so hard not to want to further implement punishment at from my own hand or that by my kin's hands. Sorry, it is better this way. To teach myself a lesson i shall not forget. Its the only way i know. i hurt so badly all the time inside. It's so hard to be in the trap of mine. Though i try very hard to cope with my reality, no matter where i may go in my head while things are happening, i still remain in this trap.

Sorry i burdened anyone.

Please follow up and let us know if your "helpers" materialized. I care about your safety. Be careful!

sweetie, so this one may or may not materialize. It doesn't mean that you will never be free. It just means you've got to do some of this for yourself. Honey, don't wait for a knight in shining armour. Please, don't do that. Sock away some money, start looking for employment in another town.

Chyna I'm begging you, start helping yourself. It's the only way you are going to develop any self-esteem.

I'm here if you need to talk.
Val

Thanks Queen. i have started putting money away. It's gonna take awhile. After today, i will look maybe for employment somewhere else. It's hard to explain, but even my work is all i know. i have been there for sixteen years.
i did not have a nice day today. My kin was holding a surprise Birthday party for my brother. i was chosen to act as the decoy. i had to have him take me to Outdoor world. Because of my injury my kin felt i should be the one that does this, it mattered not to them that i am on crutches and hurt, nor do they care how frightened i am with outsiders. i looked on line before hand and saw how big it was, this mattered not to them either. My brother was his old self and a clone of my daddy today, and particularly nasty with me. After the party was over about 7:30pm he called to apologize, that lasted a minute or so, then took it back because i said the only one thing he did bothered me (He was yelling at me on the return drive to his house, and called me names and belittled me). That made him get nastier on the phone and he threatened and warned that he was getting angrier with me.
i should not have said anything at all as i am hard headed and never learn. i am very grateful it is over. i do not cry for me it is a sign of weakness; it would follow more pain, he brought me close to tears several times today. Then i thought i was ok, and tried to do the work i brought to the hell house, and then he called. i was again close to tears. i shant give him the satisfaction of tears. If i have held them for so long, he certainly does not deserve them. i will be up late trying to finish my work. i am very tired mentally and physically, though i NEED to get this work done before tomorrow. i am very sorry that i had this sugery and complication for my work has suffered without me being there. This is why i have never had a vacation in 16 years that and it is some what a safer place to be. My brother hurt me physically, hurt me pretty bad today, i know my mental skin should be tougher for i am use to it, but he hurt me mentally as well.

i am pretty low due to um another (the meeting) subject and now also because of today. i still am hurtingwell no reason to speak about it now, for it is over and i shall heal.

Queen i know i need out, i really do. i need help in doing this. i used to before my injury go run/walking, just to try to stay focused. My brother would be sent to find me. He also makes comments of where i was or what i was wearing. You can drawl your own conclusion of what i am getting at.
Anyway, thank you for reading and replying, you bring hope to me in which i do not have. Thank you also for listening. i sometimes ask myself as to why i post at all. i am still in hell and in my trap, does it really matter if i write? Well i do not know, for it is a bit dangerous for me, for i see way too much in my own writing, one is my own weakness, and other things i really should not see. Thanks


noone

You need out and you need out now.
Can you not ring a crisis line, a shelter, a social worker, counsellor or someone to remove you immediately. Yeah, sometimes saving and planning is the way to go, but not for every situation.
You need to get help now, not wait for anyone or get used anymore.
Please get help today.
Worried about you, i really am.

Nadine,

That is nice of you to say. No, who am i to take the space of someone that really needs it. i told someone about some of my hell, i withhold most things. Its better that way. Anyway it took alot for me to even say what i have. They reacted like i would suspect an outsider to behave.
Thank you Nadine, i really thank you and Techrdr, Netti and Queen for even answering. i was seeking something here, i don't know what it is, but i think i am gonna get off. i needed to be safe here, to speak with someone here, to maybe plan and become strong enough to get out. i needed to talk with outsiders to see how they got out. i think i am done now. But i really wanted to let you know i really really thank you so much for replying. You shall never understand what that meant to me.

Bye

noone

My brother just e-mailed, he asks if i am not talking to him anymore!!!!

chyna do you have a telephone, or can you actually leave yr house or do ppl try and stop you? you need to go to a shelter, or to a hospital and ask to speak to a mental health nurse, or call a helpline. you can trust all of these people. believe me. theyre all very experienced trustworthy ppl and they want to help you and have experience with dealing with situations like yours. noone will lead you astray, they will come up with a solution for you.

Chyna honey, just how bad would it be if you never spoke to your brother again? I know how much the thought hurts, but sweetie the abuse he piles on you can not possibly be offset by the occasional moments of calm. Just think about it ok?

Reach out chyna. Find a shelter or hotline in your area. There are people there that care more than you know, let them help you.

you really need to do this chyna as you keep on repeating yourself over and over do you realise this? youre undermining yourself over and over again asking is it ok if i do this? is it ok if i do that? how do you think yr husband is going to treat you if youre like this, is this how you picture your life as a servant? dont you want more for yourself? u really deserve to break this pattern and be free. theres no ifs and buts about it...try and stop being so dependant and needy. youre smart enough to use the internet and make a profile and realise that this is abuse thats happening to you, smart enough to have a job and look after your money so youre capable of getting out of this situation.

be stronger and live to tell the tale. youre a strong woman who needs not be dependant on a man, you will not have a happy marriage this way. i know a bit about you so far and u seem to be living in some sort of brainwashed cult. break free and live to tell the tale. write a book about it. make some goals for yrself. ppl love stories of how ppl break out of this type of stuff. be a strong and powerful woman.

i know that some of what you said is true. We are a bit different than other kin. i am not so sure if we would be considered as a cult. Though i have been told that before by my therapist, whom i keep a secret. Things are the was daddy says they are. The boys cloned much like him. Though the one brother i speak of is sexual where the others harm differently. i don't understand why you say dependant? You do not understand that i do not wish to be here? Yes until these past few months, yes i did believed what they said and never questioned i believed that i was born to serve them and that was just the way it was. As i said before my eyes are open now and now i want to go. i have also said that they took all the money i have cleaned all the accounts out and left me with nothing. With my eyes opened now, it is more painful to know i have to wait. i understand quite well Catherine that a husband would do the same and is why i did not marry the man the set for me. i never understood until now why i did what i did to get out of that until now. i know also that i am very grateful that i can never have a child so as that bloodline would be harmed as well. Looking back i can see and understand more of why i have done things in order to break a little away from their teachings. Being here for instance and other things i can not speak of. You say repeating Catherine, i know not what you meant by that either. i was under the impression that i could post and receive the support that i need until i am able to break free. If you read some of what i have written then you know daddy said there are only two ways out of here. You then could see i have not chosen either. Otherwise i would not be writing Catherine.
Queen, this is my attempt of testing the waters so to speak. To see how outsiders are. Y'all do not hide because of your anonymity. If Darryl's daddy Queen comes through, i will be removed in secret. Until then i have to behave as usual for my safety. i post because i hurt. i post because my eyes are opened and i do not like what i see. Too hard to explain but i have to remain safe at the moment. i post also so that i can build that strength i lack. i post because i am dying inside. Screaming...

Thank you for your replies.

To Queen,

My Queen thank you very much.

noone

i understand that youre hurting...u can keep on posting yes but its frustrating as u keep on saying the same thing over and over. go straight to the source do not dilly dally with all the people who are constantly getting in your way of you getting out. you are dependant because u keep on saying 'i know i would be good at being a wife etc'...to be happy u need to whole in yrself to have a happy marriage...you dont need to make yr husband happy, neither does he need to make you happy. perhaps yr right its too big a step for you at the moment...but i warn you about taking in help from schemes involving money and promises of marriage as yr life could get even worse and u could end up dead. all i can tell u is that a shelter and hotline etc will not be in anyway dangerous they will support you until yr able to take the next step.