I just found this support site. I don't know what to do. I was married to a very emotionally abusive man for about 10 years. We were married very young in college. I didn't know his well enough I was naive. Even though he is very "americanized" he is from Iran and came here when he was 15. When I met him he had no accent... he's very intelligent. I had a very dysfunctional childhood so I think that I somehow deserved to be treated bad & not deserving of respect. He used to at least admit to some of the things he did (like holding me down w/ a bb gun to my head telling me he was going to kill me) he even said he was sorry. I think I just wanted so much to believe him. We were separated for a couple years and he told me that we would be better off not going through lawyers. Then I had to have another back surgery and while I was trying to recover in Fl he served me w the divorce papers w/out any warning. It brought everything up again and the divorce got ugly. It seemed easier to not make him angry so I went along w/ him & didn't get a lawyer until I had to. I also thought since he apologized he was trying to make up for the years of abuse. I have been so depressed and isolating myself but I finally went to a friends party. I didn't know he would be there. I didn't want to leave because it was my friends b-day and didn't want to make a scene so I did what I did for so many years.. I just acted like I was ok but I was really dying inside. Around him I feel lower than dirt... I don't even feel human. It was so hard. I feel so sad and like I'm drowning & don't have the strength to swim anymore. I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. i just don't know what to do. I've been feeling very suicidal and I am not afraid to die. I just don't feel worthy. I feel like a waste of space. I'm so sorry this is long again and I hope I'm making sense. Thank you so much for your time.
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