Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Okay, so most of you know I'm trying to get out of my emotionally/verbally abusive marriage, have 2 kids, am now in love w/someone else . . . blah blah.
Anyway, now there's a whole new scary stressor to add into this mix. My husband has Tourette's - vocal and muscle tics. It's not severe, and he can supress it around people and let it out later. So now our 7 year-old daughter is demonstrating a couple of minor vocal tics. Doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but it could be the start of something horrible. I'm sure you've seen the Tourette's kids on the tv specials, barking and throwing their heads around and screaming. Well, stress makes it worse. So, what if my decision to leave is THE big stressor in her life that tosses her from the fence (having a tic) into full-blown Tourette's?! I feel terrible now even considering my own happiness. I have to put her well-being first, or course. Yes, her dad causes her some anxiety, but he's never been abusive to the kids. And we're not fighting, and he's not being abusive towards me, either. When she makes a mistake he's a little intense, kind of a "beat the issue to death" type of conversation, and that causes her anxiety. But I think if it were up to here, she would definitely prefer we stay together. So, is this it? Finding my soulmate was just a cruel joke to show me what happiness really is, but I can't actually have that without breaking my kid? How messed up is that?! What the hell do I do now?
Anyway, now there's a whole new scary stressor to add into this mix. My husband has Tourette's - vocal and muscle tics. It's not severe, and he can supress it around people and let it out later. So now our 7 year-old daughter is demonstrating a couple of minor vocal tics. Doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but it could be the start of something horrible. I'm sure you've seen the Tourette's kids on the tv specials, barking and throwing their heads around and screaming. Well, stress makes it worse. So, what if my decision to leave is THE big stressor in her life that tosses her from the fence (having a tic) into full-blown Tourette's?! I feel terrible now even considering my own happiness. I have to put her well-being first, or course. Yes, her dad causes her some anxiety, but he's never been abusive to the kids. And we're not fighting, and he's not being abusive towards me, either. When she makes a mistake he's a little intense, kind of a "beat the issue to death" type of conversation, and that causes her anxiety. But I think if it were up to here, she would definitely prefer we stay together. So, is this it? Finding my soulmate was just a cruel joke to show me what happiness really is, but I can't actually have that without breaking my kid? How messed up is that?! What the hell do I do now?
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Big Hugz to you stay strong
What's worse than Tourette's is teaching your kids to abuse or to disrespect women. It took me a few years and getting my son in therapy early on to turn him around...Just my POV.
A very telling statement. It's very stressful to be a kid in a house where abuse is happening (no matter how covert it is).
The kids pick up on it. Mine do. And that breaks my heart. They see the sadness on your face, the fake mask saying 'everything's fine' when it isn't.
I would imagine that that little tic your daughter is presenting is directly related to the anxiety that's going on around her.
I suffered from OCD type behaviours for my entire childhood. They disappeared pretty much the day I left home (and in the last few years of my teens, there was no real abuse going on, but my step dad had mental issues for sure and suffered from depression and it really had an impact on our day to day life. It was like there was no light in the house).
I also remember being little with our really horrible step dad (sexual and phsyical abuse for us kids, my mom was a punching bag)...sneaking out in the night-super stressful. having to have police protection because he wanted to kill us-super stressful...
but all I remember is the light feeling of my mom. it was like she radiant, and dancing around the house....
Leaving will make a big impact on your kids(or kid? not sure)....
but it will be a good impact. they learn way more from seeing a person that they love do the right thing for themselves, rather than watching their mom living like a shell of her real self....
don't worry about the tic. don't stay because of the fear of the tic...
[2] Is there a diagnosis?
[3] Is it possible she's modeling what she sees?
Ilene, in order to officially be diagnosed with TS, one must have more than one tic, and have them for at least a year. So, no, at this point she is a kid with a tic, not TS. It IS both genetic and environmental. So, there's a good chance she has inherited the gene from her dad AND is doing it because of anxiety and being around his tics. A person's tic can be set off by another person doing a similar tic or making a particular noise. (For example, if one has a throat-clearing tic, hearing some random person clearing their throat can set off the tic.) However, my daughter tics whether her dad's home or not, so it's not an "in-the-moment" reaction to either his tics or stress caused by him. She actually tics when she's relaxing, watching tv after school. He has toned down his discpline, but she really requires a very gentle handling, and he just doesn't do that. She was carrying her 2 1/2 year-old sister around the house the other day, and the little slipped and bonked her forehead on the floor. She cried, but was obviously not seriously hurt. But my husband was putting our daughter through the 3rd degree: "HOW did this happen? What did you do to make her fall? WHY were you carrying her around?" Like I said, he beats an issue to death. By the time his interrogation was done, the little one was over it, and I felt a need to comfort our older one instead! I could see her frozen in anxiety as she was interrogated. I will he honest and say there wasn't really anything mean about what he did . . . it's just not the right method for HER because of her sensitivity and anxiety.
Some of you mentioned that of course it's always better to remove her an abusive environment. I agree. However, what she sees right now is a cheerful father who's not yelling anymore like he used to. It's ME who's not interested. But then I feel very selfish if I say, too bad, in spite of having an abuse-free home for our kids, it's still not enough for me.
As for selfish ... I think we have to model what we want for our kids. Selfishness, to me, is putting your own wishes ahead of the needs of others, always and every time. It is just self-care, however, to put your needs ahead of the wishes of others. When needs clash (as opposed to needs versus wishes) then it's more difficult - again, selfish is to totally ignore the needs of others. Self-care is to make sure you don't totally ignore your own needs.
Do you want your daughter to grow up believing that women have no right to their own needs, ever?