After six years of abuse, three affairs, lying, betrayal, and multiple suicide attempts (on my part) and me having to deal unmedicated with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, last night I did something horrible. My husband and I were arguing... I found secret conversations on his computer with the woman he'd cheated on me with. I was so hurt and betrayed I cut myself again (after 4 months sober!). I needed to talk to him about what I found, but he refused to talk to me... he started berating me and I tried to say something and he told me to shut up (something I never say to him because it's so disrespectful) and I snapped. Everything built up at once. I was either going to go throw myself in front of a car or slap my lying cheating abusive husband across the face. Yep. I slapped him. Some part of me really thinks he deserved i t after everything he's done to me, but I know that's wrong. I feel so horrible about it, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm so tired of being the victim and a good bit of me thinks tthe only way to survive is to turn the tables... start manipulating people before they do it to me, hurt before getting hurt, stop caring, stop giving... being a good person, being nice.. gets you nowhere. I hate what he's done to me.. I hate what I'm turning into... but I don't know any other way to survive. I tried to leave.. I failed. And now I'm the same monster he is.
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