so Ive been aware of odd things my ex keeps saying to me lately. Im ok about it all because im in a better place my myself so i am not upset by anything just wanted to share this. My ex sees my daughter and i am ok wiv that. I ring him or he rings me to make sure our daughter is doing ok and i honestly do not mind this one bit. I allow him to come down to see her and its going really good. I actually am quite happy wiv this arrangement as it feels right. What i have come to realise recently is that i cant make my ex be any1 but himself. I have been the one to change and this has helped me to not let anything he does bother me. Its become a totally different view for me though because i am now standing back wiv my eyes wide open and i see the strange behaviour and i just now ignore it. Anyway i have noticed him saying things that are strange. One of these things has been about my best mate. Now my best mate is in an abusive relationship com i have been telling him about it. Whats been good is that i have used her experience to really get across to him how fully aware i am regarding abuse. I have seen this does not sit too well wiv him as its a statement i am really making to him. So anyway my friend was going to leave her bf and my ex said did i not think it was better if my friend moved on and found someone else? He has said this a couple of times. I know its 2 get me 2 panic because we recently finally ended it and i know he wants me to think this is what he would do so he wants of to think he has some1 else or at least wonder. Now im not buying into it and my opinion is so what? Anyway there has been a few odd things he has said and tonite he rings me to check is our daughter is ok and then we talk about his writing as he is a really good writer and is in the middle of writing a story. So i say something like i find it interesting that he writer and that he is talented(he really is by the way) and i say i find him interesting and lately he has been nice and its been ok him comin down and he says this in a joking voice"im not nice." i say yes u have been he then says "im not im horrible its just a mask u know. Im only pretending" i say. Is this some insight your telling me? Is this one of those moments where u confess to me but disguise it as a joke? Lol. If he thinks im falling for it i aint and unfortunately 4 him i Lloy now how he operates. I am going to be straight wiv him and let him know that i am very much aware of what he is doing. The thing is is that he has another thing coming if he thinks i am going to just put up wiv it. Becaus one thing i have realised is that i get to decide if i want to take it. And i get to decide if i want to ultimately ban him from my house. Two wks ago i was in contact wiv him for the first time in 4 wks. I had stopped him from seeing our daughter not because he had actualy done anything to her as he is to be honest brilliant wiv her but it was all because i was angry wiv him. Anyway i realised that was not fair on my daughter because i did it for the wrong reasons and if i am going to do that then it has to be 4 the right reasons. So i was on the phone to him telling him what i had realised and that i thought he should be in our daughters life instead of not being and he said this "you have hardly ever been in have u ?" i said that i have been keeping myself busy visiting friends and family. He said "yeah Ive seen u a couple of times driving past me when Ive been waiting at the bus stop" it was only the day after that i came to realise that he knew i had hardly been in much over the last 4 wks so i said to him how did u know i had not been in much? He said "well like i said Ive seen u a couple of times driving past me" i said yes but thats only a couple of times thats not hardly ever being in and Ive not been in your right so how would u know that from just seeing me a couple of times? He said " dont worry Ive not been stalking u or anything. It was just a lucky guess. I just had a feeling u would be out" i told him that it sounde odd and that it sounded as if he had been stalking me. So the thing is is that i am so much more aware and i am not afraid to walk on egg shells. I refuse to. I have a choice and its my decision how i choose to respond from now on. Thing is that for 14 months he has not been abusive. Yes the odd things because he cant gets himself (abusers are just wired this way) but he has been ok for some time now. It door not mead my guard will ever be down but the reason why this is important is because i have had valuable time to have space and grow. To which Ive grown reallo tall. Just want to say to others that its not always wise to stand up to abusers. If the abuse is intense then the only way to deal wiv it is to get away from them and stay away. This is just my way of dealing wiv things and i have to say i could not be more content wiv my life right now. This is because i am content and at peace wiv myself and i know the truth that no one can take that away from me because its not something any1 can take as its attached to my very core . The only thing an abuser can really do is fool u into thinking they have taken it or u have given it away. But for me know i will never ever believe any1 if they try to pull the wool over my eyes on this. I am truly happy wiv my life and myself. I know my worth. I know my beauty inside and out and i love those special people in my life including myself. No one can convince me otherwise now. I am at peace.
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