i am sitting here with a broken arm and rib with a black eyes and lots of bruises and all i thin about tonight is how i can fell better make the pain go way .i have felt traped since i was little & started hurting myself at a never young age. 5th grade to be exact. back then i was very shelter in odd sense; i did know many people / about back things like cutting & drugs.i did know i had bone & i would take a hammer & slam it on my bones & the would evenually crush even on ones that were already hurt(my dad has abuse me since i was four. the only way i got him to see me as a human was to see an injury that he didn't do and then bhe would be ok. it was the only attention i got. else all i was was a venting system for all is anger (beating, belittling me, screaming at me , and all while drinking. so to get way from that i went to sleeping pills when i got to 7th grade. still broke bones too & i have ungraded from those thing too. i would take a needle and started to drain my blood from my arm so i would get really lit headed and then pass out so no matter how hard it hit me it would not hurt. but here is my question to you how do you love yourself again;make through the day without doing something or thinking what he will do next;stop thinking about it or how to get away;not show your pain to others and hurt? people tell me to get out and go to a shelter and get consuling but i think it is too late for me. it hurts every where i usually very good at numbing it out. lucky he has just pasted out so for a couple hours i am free.mentally and physical i am excuasted and hurting; i can barely move or get up or even breath. the whole my father has dug for me which i had little breathing room has come to secs. this two weeks have been really hard because the injurys are worse and everyday thing so my make shift "cast are not helping. i really good at numbing things out usually but i just can't know that i found this website. this is like my life line all i think about is when can i tell someione that i had made it through the day that i am alive and still kicking barely but he will not be the one to take me away.i just need to talk. how do you all get through the abuse after math every night and then forget that it ever happened because the abuser is nice and cuddle the next day plus i have to go out in the world and pretend i am happy and dandy when my life is in ruins. walking with these injuries are harder the hind the older i get.i just need friend that understand and that i can talk to. thanks. i will be on all night if anyone need to talk. i am here.
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