Here is my story...

To me, it started out a simple relationship. But it moved serious, fast, and that really wasn't the way i had wanted it to go, but with Rocky, it was like he had control... and my friends, they told me he was bad news, to stay away, and the thing is, i knew it too, but it was too late for me to really figure that out, because he had already had a hold on me...

You know, I used to wonder about girls, why they would never leave their abuser... why they would stay... and I have to tell you, I know why they don't, because I was that girl. The girl who lived in constant fear, the girl who felt small and insignificant, the girl that was violated... and brainwashed. For 8 months, not that long, no, but long enough to do damage.

We moved in together rather quickly after we started dating. that should have been red flag number 300 (ha, at this point!), but, it was hard for me to say no. i mean i felt like that i had to, i don't know why, but he had this hold, this hold that was so tight, that i could barely breathe. We moved in together, and the rope started to unravel rather fast. I saw a new side of him, a side that i wish i never saw. A side that had made me live in constant fear, with anxiety attacks as part of my daily routine, and feeling small and insignificant was how i constantly felt... and places that i never knew that could ache, were aching.

He had violated me, left bruises, broke my heart way too many times, and controlled me. Soon, I wasn't who I used to be, and my friends and family were constantly telling me that. What happened to that cute little Sandra Bullock look a like that would tell stupid jokes nad laugh constantly and be a smart ass? What happened to the girl who would love going to the movies or going out for a drink? Well, she was there, but buried under so much cloudiness and rubble that it was hard to find her. He had changed me...for the worst. Soon, driving home from work, I would dread. I would constantly be thinking over my actions that day, "did i do everything okay? did i do anything to piss him off", i mean those were my thoughts! Waking up sad, with a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, scared of what the day may bring is a horrible way to start the day. But thats how it started, for me. I would be basically punished if dinner was started on time, and it was MY fault that he was gaining weight or MY fault if he slept too late, basically, it was always my fault, no matter what. I constantly found myself apologizing and feeling so alone.

he would complain that I was either too skinny, or I was getting fat, or shall say, like he used to say,"a beer gut".. what the heck! he wouldn't even allow me to drink, go out, have fun, so how could i get a beer gut?!? i was so stressed all the time i was barely eating!!! he would complain my chest, oh yes, that was my favorite... because to him, i wasn't well rounded.... and he would tell me would get me breast implants once he got the money! Oh yeah, but what money? b/c he depleted my bank account b/c he had no money, he was a free loader! And for the record, my breasts, are real, and I wouldnt change them for the world :). God gave them to me, and I'm blessed ;).

So, at this point, you're think, holyhell, why didn't this girl leave? But im tellng you, he had control. He was all about control. He would tell me negative about my family and friends, telling me that they were going to hurt me, and that i was lucky to have him, because he wasn't going to hurt me. he wasn't going ot elave me. WHAT A CROCK. because... he was the one hurting me, killing me inside, and my friends and family were trying to save me.

Sitting and watching tv together was horrible. I would actually be tense, because I would be afriad of something I might say, or do, or hell, i was scared about something coming up on the tv that would prompt him to say something about me. he would constantly compare me to the crazy people on tv... he would point at me when they would talk about them. saying that i was awful too. he also had a fetish with the dallas cowboy cheerleaders. and would constnatly compare me to them, asking why i couldn't be more like them. he would actually have me watch that cheerleader show on CMT and talk about each "hot" girl on there, saying he wishes he could have that. and then to top it off, his mother brings over a autographed photo of the dallas cowboy cheerleaders and he puts up for us to always see... and always remind me that I wasn't as good as them. Well, I have one of the nicest bodies there is, I know and appreicate that now.

I would fear going to bed at night. That should be a comfort thing, everyone should look forward to sleeping in their comfy bed, but not me, I was nervous. And then in turn, never got any sleep.

The breaking point came. I was in the hospital, and he was still so mean. just mean. i could barely walk, and yet he wouldn't help. it was horrible... i mean when the doctor told me, i could go home, i started to cry because i didn't want to go home... not to him. and thats when my eyes opened up, and i was ready to get out. but the thing is, its easier said than done, especially when you're leaving someone like that. you have to have careful planning, strength, and time. it takes time, yes you may want to be out tomorrow, or hell even that night, but sometimes you just got to plan it.

when i told him that it was over, with us, and that he had to move out... he went crazy...crazier than ever before, yeah he had been rough with me, but never like this, never so much where it caused nightmares and anxiety afterwards. He had taken my dog's leash wth the choker chain and hit me in the head with it. He then took me by the neck and threw me to the ground, causing me to land onmy spine and then head... i couldn't move for a while, it seemed like forever, but you know what, my dog, god love her, laid right there with me. he got on me, held me down by the neck, and i BIT him. i did. and then he jumped up and then threw me into the chair a few times, and like a little bitch ran out the door.

within a week, his things were out.

the harassing has stopped. for a while there, he was harassing me for money and just plain harassing me... i even think he drove by my apartment a few times... but... i can't be for certain. but he has stopped, and now, i'm actually sleeping through the night, and not constantly looking out the window fearing he is out there, or that when i walk Bella he is watching me. I don't get anxiety now when I get a text message, b/c he stopped...

I am in the process of rebuilding my life. I am actually having fun again, going out, and enjoying being around people. Its been way too long for me and I love it. He never allowed it. I wake up each day with a smile and an excitement about the day. And, like I said before, I am getting sleep. There are tough days, but... ihave got the most wonderful family that has been nothing short of supportive and there for me, and protecting me. I have amazing friends who have stopped and listened, been there for me and made me laugh. and i'm forever grateful for them.

Right now, i'm just wanting to have fun, have a good time, and enjoy each day to the fullest. I wanted to share my story, because I had to get it out... because it is a part of who I am now... and even though it was hell, it made me stronger. And all that name calling, belittling, violating, and hurting he did, he never did take one thing away.. which was my HOPE. my hope that one day i would look back on it all and think" what the hell was I thinking?" ha, no, but he didn't take away my hope that one day i would survive this living nightmare and be happy again... where it would be me and my Bella together forever, with no fear :).

I didn't want to share my story for a while there because I was scared...and you know, nobody will ever know everything that happened behind closed doors, but hey, at least I got some out. I didn't share it for the pity, b/c i dont' want the pity, i'm a success story. I shared it also b/c there are too many women and men in abusive relationships... too many that need help, and i will find it my goal to help... i feel like i went through all of that for a reason... i do have more strength than ever now... and i intend to show all those who need it they have it as well. Because all of us are entitled to happiness, love and hope... nobody should ever take that away from us...

one of my favorite quotes:
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every expierence in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along