well lemme see i dunno where to start ?so many times i wanna blame my mother for the way i turned out .but i know i only have myself to blame for all ive done .but what do i do about the relationshp my mother and i have?dont get me wrong i love my mom dearly and i forgive for the past.but what do i do about now ?how do i let her know i just cant take anymore of her negitive ways?you see when i was growing up my mom and step father was alcoholics and drug addicts.i can remember my mom and dad always being gone.i had to learn to cook for all of us ,i did all the cleaning .i remember my mom making me get up on a school night and making me stay up all night doing laundry ,then sending me to school with out sleep then getting in trouble for falling asleep at school.i did all the cooking and cleaning for not only her but her friends and my oldest sister and her kids .i wasnt aloud friends .i wasnt allowed to go any where or do anything just cater to her .i remember other family members sayin poor kris she has to do everything .she would say she only does what she wants ,when really i didnt i had too.she would say you think you got it bad now ,you got it better then i had it .i can always remember my step dad beating us and messing with my older sister.even i knew and i was young.so i know my mom knew ,but why did she keep leaving her alone with him> she would get me up to leave with her and my sister would beg to go and my mom wouldnt let her.i knew what was going to happen while we was gone .why didnt she ?now that im older i say she did know but she was so obsessed with keeping him .that she was willing to give what she had to keep him .i remember standing up to my mom when i noticed him looking at me that way and knew my turn was coming soon.so i told her and she denied it and took us out of school .i said i was going to tell .she told me i thought i had it bad it was worse in foster homes.so i believed her and accepted life .because it was worse out there ..so i thought.so when i met my now husband .he made me very comfortable with him .i gave my virginity to him because i was like id rather him have it then my step dad .well i also got pregnant when i did .at 15 i wasnt scared i wasnt sad ,i was like this is my way out .so we ran away and got married .when i returned home and told my mom about my pregnancy and i was married and i wanted to go live with my husband and his family.she gave me the biggest guilt trip ever she made me feel so dirty like it was the worse thing i could have done.from that day forward i have felt dirty to be with my husband,ive even left him because she made me feel dirty about being with him. hes a good man i love him dearly ,some how my heart would always find my way back to him .he knows the real me and where my heart is at .i just still to this day can not be with him the way i want because of the guilt i feel. because of this i have done some stupid things .to make a long story short .i dont want to not have nothing to do with my mom ,and i have to forgive .but why do i still feel this way and what do i do now ?why did i feel so guilty about making myself happy and leaving ,not just for me but for my unborn baby also .sometimes i feel like she was that way cause now she had to take of herself.she made me feel bad like i left her .why do i still feel so guilty .sometimes i get so mad like shes the reason i cant be happy?
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