Oh sweetie, do you know how long it took me to feel like that? THIS IS SUCH A GOOD THING FOR YOU!

It's happening because you have regained a sense of self and you now see him differently. You are looking at him not as a victim, but rather as a woman whom he has tortured and tried to break. Kind of suprising how much it hurts isn't it. All i wanted to do was wrap my arms around my ex and comfort him like a child. PLEASE Di, resist that urge. These are not children. They recognize their loss, but what they see when they look at us is a target. That maybe they didn't do enough, beat enough, degrade enough, humiliate enough; do enough of whatever it would take to bring us "back into line". Honey they don't think like us and they never will. What you feel in your heart right now is pity - not love. Watch out for how far it takes you when it comes to him. Don't be so wrapped up in feeling sorry for him that you leave yourself unprotected.

One minute you may hate him and plead with God for his death the next you may want to die to protect him.

I think it is just the nature of the situation. This whole process is hell I swear I think it would have been easier to just take the beating keep my mouth shut, heal and stay.
At least I knew what to expect, now since I left all the different and strange emotions and people in my life it is all so scarey

But normal and expected
Hang in there I am believing it will get better

Part of it is that is what you have been conditioned to believe. Everything has revolved around him so much during the time when you were being abused, you have not had the opportunity to alter that thinking yet.

When I left my ex, he turned so pathetic and pitiful it was hard. Before I left, I spent time telling myself that everything was going to be "my fault" (according to him) and that he was going to try everything from abusive violence to pathetic whimpering to get me back. I wasn't prepared for how bad the pathetic was going to be that I almost caved in, so I really know where you are. I was assured by my counselor and later by research that the remorse and pathetic "act" is all part of the abuser's attempt to get control of you. He knows how compassionate you are and how much you hate to see anyone suffer, so he is tapping into you there.

Yes, he is the one that loved and lost, but he brought it all on himself. you both lost love, but if there is no accountablility or consequences for actions, then it is not love, it is abuse.

I can relate to that so much! My stbx left and now I pity and feel so protective of him. I want to be sure he is ok but it isn't my problem anymore. A part of me will always love him, but I can not let my son nor I get hurt anymore. I can't let him throw me against the wall and let my son think its ok. I need closure and healing from this.

Good for you for recognizing how you feel. Its a positive step towards moving forward and healing. Guilt was a big reason I kept going back to my stbx. This time though I am not letting it stop me from moving forward. I can do this. We can do this.

My stbx had every opportunity to stop his behavior, but because he can't he has lost his son and myself. I do pity him. He is loosing his family.

I understand your situation. But do remember, he made the choices to abuse you. Most abusers makes these choices because they feel they have the right to act this way. Did he abuse you in public, in front of others or was it mostly behind closed doors, in private. My stbx is the most wonderful man in public, everyone adores him....this is what makes gettiing away so hard....crazymaking....he chooses this behavior, pity him for wanting to act this way and not changing.....you will find someone worthy of your love....its not him.

Couldn't agree more with nicetobe. One minute you hate them and just want someone to beat the @*%* out of them. And the next minute you care about them. It is a roller coaster. I'm in love/hate. I love him and then I'll just hate him and want to mentally torture him for treating me the way he has.

I think I'm one of those people that has always felt sorry and thought I could fix things. But you can't help or fix people that don't want it.

That's why you and I are in this situation because we pity them thus sympathizing with them, which ultimately is accepting their bad behaviour.

So don't give in to your pity.