I guess I am not sure what I am asking for sure, but I will try. I ended up getting pregnant after a gang rape. My boyfriend participated and allowed his friends to do the same. 4 months went by and things between my boyfriend and I had seemed to get better (the hitting and the choking seemed to be less), we had gotten engaged and were excited to start a family together. One night he came home all pissed off at me, really for no reason. He started yelling at me about what a huge slut I am and how he was sick of me sleeping around. He was really upset that I didnt know who the father was and that it probably wasnt him. He pushed me down the flight of stairs and as I tried to crawl away he grabbed me by the throat. I remember passing out. I dont remember what else he ended up doing to me, and truthfully I dont want to know. I had started cramping, but didnt think anything of it until two days later when the pain was unbearable. I ended up having a miscarriage. In my mind I knew that it was because of what happened that night. I try not to think about it, but I could have done something to protect my child. After the event I could have gone to a doctor to see if my child was ok. I feel like I murdered my own child. The emotions of that whole event came rushing back to me when mothers day came and passed. Its hard for me when I see my mom giving my sisters mothers day gift because they are mothers, but I dont even get a happy mothers day. It shouldnt be a big deal ... but in a way I feel like a mother. I feel like I had lost what would have been a perfect little child. I should have been a mom. Maybe I am just crazy or too emotional, but for some reason it still hurts. I never really was able to get over the death, because at the time I wasnt allowed to be sad or cry. I am just having a hard time living my life now thinking of myself as a murderer. It truely breaks my heart, and I dont know if I will ever be able to get over it.
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