So, today it has been 30 days NC. I have gone through so much emotionally this last month. A light bulb that has really gone off for me is that it isn't that I miss HIM so much, I miss the life being with him provided. I know this sounds terrible, but I am being honest. And then I realized its allure even more- it kept me from dealing with myself. My N has been the biggest distraction I have ever had. When I met him I was reeling from the pain of a divorce. A divorce that came as a complete shock to me (but now I am so thankful for!), nonetheless. In my most vulnerable state ever, I met my N. He was everything my exH wasn't- and I liked that. Soon enough, though, N became my full time job. He always had me on a wild goose chase. All the drama kept me from dealing with ME. I truly think that was what the hook has been all along. Now for the first time in my life, I am truly alone and I really don't know who I am. I know who my exH wanted me to be and I know who my N wanted me to be, but not who I want to be. These last 30 days have had me crawling out of my skin. I have never been as uncomfortable as I am these days. All I have is me and I gotta figure out who the heck that is. What do I want to do for work? Where do I want to live? What are my hobbies? I really think this is a lot of the reason that I am angry over the breakup- it has made me look in the mirror. The mirror has been so painful to look at for so long, but now I am choosing to do the work. In a completely terrifying way, I feel hope. I have a feeling that facing this dragon is going to make things a lot better for me in the long run. I am looking forward to the day that I have my own social life in interests that I hold so that I am not obsessing about what he is doing on a Friday night. Not because he was so great to me and not because he is doing something that I really want to do, but just b/c he knew himself.
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