I wrote a long explanation of the whole story in my journal. I'm new here. Like others have written, I'm living in a panic attack nightmare. I don't even know how to breathe or stop crying. I knew deep down that all roads would probably lead here, and that no matter what I did he would leave; and didn't really care (because he can't...narcissists have no real emotion or empathy for others. They pretend for a while until it wears them out to the point of frustration, then they just abuse.) I just want to know he's alive. That's all. Has anyone been through this? The grief and the worry are unbearable. My ex-husband (who is also my friend) said that even now, he's manipulating me b/c wherever he is he KNOWS I'm worried sick, and that this is just another way for him to punish me. Not b/c of me or anything i did, but because he hates himself. As dysfunctional as it all is, I didn't know these things about him going in, so it has hit like a trainwreck over and over. How can I turn off the part of me that loves him and just stop crying?
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