Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Is he abusive or was it really me?

rainyangel
rainyangel
I started dating this guy 5months ago. I told him I'm a bad alcoholic and need to quit. He's a pot smoker. He seems like he really cares for me and says all kinds of wonderful things. He says he loves me now and is always complimenting me and showing affection but he has also bought me beer whenever I wanted it and since I met him I've gotten drunk at his house alot. It seems like every couple days. I've been messed up and want to quit but he makes it so easy for me. I keep relapsing with him. He doesn't really drink himself. Anyway, he gets mad easy and especially when I'm drunk he gets mad at me because I don't want to stop drinking or I wont go to bed. He has called me names and he has slapped me on four seperate occasions while I was drunk. He says I asked him to or I wouldn't let him sleep or whatever. And I say don't buy me beer if you're gonna get mad when I get drunk. I'm an alcoholic and I can't stop drinking it until it's gone. We've stupidly tried to control it by only getting a certain amount or whatever but he says I always ask for more and I'll get mad if he doesn't give it to me. I don't think I want to be with him if I do quit drinking and I think he knows that so maybe keeps feeding my addiction to keep me with him. I'm worried because he says he cares so much but then he's mean to me verbally and hurts me physically when I'm so drunk I don't even remember much. Is it my fault I got hit? I can be a bitch while drunk and stupid. One time he slapped me like seven times in a row. He was sorry to me and said he'd never do it again but he has slapped me twice since then and other things while drunk. I feel so guilty for drinking and don't remember much so it's hard for me to put all the blame on him and I think he knows it. I'm confused I don't know.
hockeymom5592
hockeymom5592
All I can say is I think you two are gas and a match. He is using the alcoholism to control you. You are giving him that control instead of taking responsibility for your own issue. You need therapy, a program such as AA that will offer you real support to quit this destructive addiction. Your bf is not equipped to handle this, so it's not fair to blame him. You can be who you want to be. Coming to DS is a good start, but you need real help before you find yourself dead somewhere.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is NOT your fault that he hits you, no matter what the circumstances. It's NEVER okay for ANYONE to treat you abusively. This is ABUSE! And you can't begin to recover from your addiction while is is enabling your drinking and using it as an excuse to beat you. When he says he cares about you, that's a lie, a manipulation to keep you under his control. Honey, this will only get worse.

Have you thought about treatment for the alcoholism? AA or something?
rainyangel
rainyangel
I'm working on the alcoholism. I started to see a therapist last week and I'm starting AA meetings this week. It's just the beginning. I know I need to focus only sobriety and myself and my son and not be in any relationships. Especially if he doesn't help a damn thing. He says he's supportive and only wants the best but he just can't say no when I ask him to get beer. My being confused is probably a sign I don't need to be seeing him. It's almost like giving up him is like giving up alcohol, something bad for me. He confuses me though because he definitely never wants to lose me, he's made that very clear. Even if he nevers does that again to me, I can't seem to get over the fact that he ever did it. Thanks for responses.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is NEVER okay for a man to hit a woman...It sounds like he is trying to keep you down and take advantage of you...If he truly loved and cared for you in a healthy way that is all about your well-being and happy spirit, then he would put you in AA and get you the other help where you get detoxed...you are crying for help and reaching out and he is not being a good friend or boyfriend...All he's doing is worsining everything even though he tells you nice things...see that's the key it's tricky abusers are such good smooth talkers, but when it comes to looking at the truth and how they treat you, it's nothing but abuse...Is there anyone in your family or a friend you can get help from? If things don't change it will only get worse your addiction and his abuse...feel free to write if you want to talk about this some more...please take care of yourself...God doesn't want this for you.
queenvalerie
queenvalerie
What do you mean you are starting AA meetings this week? Pick up the phone book, look up Alcoholics Anonymous and call whatever number is listed there. Someone always answers the phone, you will not get voice mail. They are have someone meet you within half an hour. If you are not willing to do this, then you are not ready to quit drinking. You may not have hit your personal bottom yet, no matter how much it sounds like you have to us.

Your first commitment must be to yourself and your sobriety. Without it you are useless to yourself and your child. Screw this guy. He has addiction problems of his own and they are compounding yours. He wants to keep you drunk for his own personal reasons and heaven only knows what those are. You don't need him. You need you. Period. Your son needs you. This guy is an ass that you are better off without and you know it, which would explain why you are here.

Take all of it 1 day at a time honey. Take it 15 mins at a time if that's all you can handle, but cut it up into little chunks that you can deal with.

CALL AA RIGHT NOW.
queenvalerie
queenvalerie
Sorry, sorry. I meant to address this but forgot.

THIS JACKASS IS ABUSING YOU.
rainyangel
rainyangel
you all are so right. Deep down I know all of this. It helps to hear it from others though. Thank you
jimmysquirrel
jimmysquirrel
welcome to the world of being an alcoholic. You are among good company... if you stay sober. If you don't... some of the company you keep... is ok at best.
Now my question to you is this. Do you want to get sober or no?
My reply to the rest of htis post comes after that answer
rainyangel
rainyangel
yes I want to quit drinking
deleted_user
deleted_user
WOW!!! This is also my story!!

Isn't it sad the more honest we are with the ppl we love some of them feel the need to use it against us? Holy i had the same thing happen to me, except i got out on the first threat of being hit. YOU are not to be blamed at all for any of this, you put your trust in him as to letting HIM no your alcoholic, sometimes i wonder if ppl keep us sick with booze just so that they don't need to look at themselfs. It is our choice though if we drink it, its also very hard not to if its around and we think cause we were honest they will be supportive, in your case he is not. He is abusive! The Verbally Abusive relationship book is an awesome read if your into reading. All the best to you.

p.s A person that hits, mean words and controles is a coward and hides behind the one they abuse. charge his butt...
deleted_user
deleted_user
The answer to both is yes. He is abusive - he is attacking you at your biggest weakness which is alcohol. It is you because you are powerless to overcome it. You have to have the strength to NOT ask for it, to NOT drink it and to seek help through AA or even an inpatient detox program. He is taking advantage of your reaction to alcohol - both your addiction and your response to the alcohol which appears to be that you are a "mean drunk."

In order for you to get better in any way, you need to get rid of both. You need to get rid of your enabler/abuser AND you need to rid alcohol from your life. If you need help with leaving your abuser, you can seek help from a woman's shelter. There are many programs available for getting rid of the alcohol.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You just accomplished your first step. If you WANT to quit, you CAN. Your boyfriend is definitely using alcohol to control you, and abuse you. It starts with slapping, then goes to punching, and kicking, and god knows what else. If you stay with him, it will only get worse. IT ONLY GETS WORSE. He'll use pretty words and begging and may be better for a little while, but PLEASE don't fall for that shit. Get out while you can, before he really hurts you. THIS IS his PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. Help yourself, get away from him.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you were an addict to gambling, and somebody always took you to a casino, would you still be around this person? Or what if you were an addict to porn and somebody gave you adult videos? This person is doing the same exact thing. There is no excuse for being slapped by a man. If you've been slapped 7 times, that's 7 too many.

I also agree that you need to do something about this alcoholism. And quickly. Remember that you're going to need to be around people who support your recovering-alcoholic lifestyle.
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