I'm sorry your going through this, it seems like a very confusing situation =/
i found this site really helpful for me

http://youarenotcrazy.com/

he doesn't need to change the password to pay the bills....he just has to know it and have the account in his name. which he must in order to change the password.
I would definitely have another bank account with my money in it that he does NOT have any access of knowledge of. Can you install an additional lock on the door? [and not give him the key]
also, if he has access to listen to your messages on your phone and delete any on a whim that could be a serious problem for you...

I dated someone who was systematically controlling, and made me feel like no one else would ever want me, and forbid me from inviting my friends/family over. I don't think he realized how sickly he was behaving, i gave him an ultimatum finally...therapy or goodbye. He said he was tired of this and needed a break and i said goodbye...for about 2 yrs he kept tracking me down online and creating alternate accounts on various websites and messengers so that he could talk to me on the pretense of being friends....no matter how many times i told him not to, and called it harassment. Thankfully he does not know where i live currently. But he is a computer wiz and i am forever deleting and changing accounts. He has gone as far as to delete music he doesn't like from my computer. He tries to hang on to me and stay in touch by any means necessary, and has always when getting in touch with me....continued to down me and try and keep his hold on me. Wether or not he's seeing someone else, or i'm seeing someone else.
I hope that you find a away to protect yourself and do what is best for you. what ever that may be. i wish i had some advise on that...but all i can do right now is share my story, and hope that it is somehow helpful to you. It's an awefully confusing/hard situation and i'm sorry that your in it =[ But your not alone! *hugz*

You know, you kinda reminded me of my situation.

I moved out to help my wife and kids during the divorce, and it was unfortunately only seen as control. I recently found out she is involved with someone else and my feelings have changed somewhat, but I still care about their well being.

However, your situation may be different, your kids are grown and there's really no way to tell what his real motives are.

My advice is be suspicious, and cautious, but take this opportunity to get stronger and work on yourself. That way if it ends up being a trick, you can respond with self confidence.

oh wait, I take that back ... I didn't notice when I read earlier [was distracted at work and passed up the middle] that he had changed your password and was doing things you asked him not to do. Yeah, be careful!

This whole situation is confusing. I just can't believe I got myself involved in a situation like this. I moved 1500 miles to be with this person. I battle depression and feel this is why he was so mean to me. He said he couldn't stand being around me because of my depression and then he couldn't stand to be around me when I wasn't depressed. I don't know how to distinguish what is true anymore. I am so mixed up. I hate this.

I can relate. I recently left a very stable job and moved cross country to be with my fiance. He built a house for us (I have two teenagers). Things quickly went downhill the first week I moved in. He didn't like some of the choices I made in simple decsions I usually made for my children (choices I never thought were such a big issue). Anyway, one morning he told me to leave his house and not return until he returned from work (which wasn't until evening 5-6pm). He had not given me a key to the house yet. I left him and drove to Texas and kept in communication. Well, I'm back with him and I've kept a journal and it has helped me to clearly see things for what they are. Since returning the he has constantly belittled everything about me and I have been called everything from mentally ill, lousy mother, bi%ch, F$ck U...My kids are not immune to these arguments either. Oh, and all of this I brought upon myself and he feels justified in all he tells me. The love I felt for this man has almost completely diminished. I've always had intimacy issues and had promised him (prior to moving in) that I would work really hard on it. But, its very hard to love and be intimate with him at all. He is now telling me that if things don't drastically change with me within the next few weeks (in the intimacy dept) he is going to seek someone who is deserving of his love (a normal woman as I am so frequently reminded). At this point I really don't care anymore. I never envisioned my life would have come to this. I saw this quote in my church bulletin and hope to start taking it to heart. "When we allow one relationship, one sad event, one bad experience to become the total focus of our lives, we deprive ourselves of the rest of it"

I read a book called "Why does he do that"? by Lundy Bancroft. Great book