I'm sorry for all you've been through, but you're still here! I don't know what to say about your father, but your mother saved you. Have you seen him since? Are you close to your sister?
Nothing I say may be helpful except that I believe you need a grief counselor. Not every therapist is specialized in this, so keep looking.
The trauma of your childhood is with you everyday and losing your mother?
I know that I felt like an orphan when my mother died, just didn't know how to cope.
You'll never return to "normal" but there can be no healing unless you talk it out thoroughly, honoring her for who she was and feeling her within you.
You are not stupid or worthless. You've been conditioned by your father who is or was a very sick man. Thank God your mother was able to extricate you from his grasp. I'm sick about what he did!
Please find something to hang onto and that's the fact that he's evil and you got away from him.
Because I don't really know how to reach out to you more concretely, I'm putting you on my prayer wall, and lighting a candle for you, your sister and your mother, RIP.

Thank you so much, Rosebud. I appreciate your kind words and you putting me on your prayer wall. :-) You are so kind. My sisters and I also felt like orphans when we lost our mom. I know I need a grief counselor...in fact, I'm starting soon. Thanks again! I appreciate your kindness!!

For me, the mental abuse is the worse b/c it stays with you for a very long time. I've come a long way but there are still times that I feel totally worthless, stupid, & ugly.
It won't be easy but you need to tell yourself that you feel the way you do b/c of that evil man. He is the one who's worthless, stupid, & ugly. Try to give yourself a pat on the back for any accomplishments. You have an injured little girl inside you so tell her that you will never let anyone or anything hurt her. I also think you should get involved with a support group. Then you won't feel alone & it will help you to gain some strength. As far as the dark goes...can't be much help with that b/c I'm 56 & I'm still afraid of the dark. Not as much as I used to be but it's still there. I also can't live alone b/c I get freaked out so my brother & I share a house. He lives his life, I live mine but it makes it more comforting for me to get to sleep at night. Please try to remember that when you feel those neg. feelings, it's him still talking to you. It's not who you are.

Hun,
I am so sorry that you hadto go through that. I want you to know that mental/emotional abuse is the hardest to get over b/c the abuser messed with your mind. The mind is a powerful thing!! I was emotionally abused by my ex, by my mother and its soooo hard to get over. I am still struggling with trying to cope with who I am.
the thing is, and I applaud you for it, is that you're searching for help, you're facing it... that is a BIG step.
Look within yourself, and you'll see the good that is there. You have good within you, you are a good person, you are entitled to love, happiness, hope and laughter. What helps me, is I find the small things that will happen in a day, whether it be how i did my hair that day, or what someone said to me and i'll remember it.
I also write in a journal reminding myself of the positive thigns in life that i have done, it helps me realize that hey, i'm not worthless and that i am a pretty damn good person! I have a dog who shows me uncondtional love, and that helps a great deal as well. I try to find things that I love to do, collect quotes, go running, work out, etc. and i find that once i bury myself in hobbies and activies that I like, then I begin to feel good about myself.

I hope I am helping you.

And also, I am scared of the dark as well. you're not alone there!

Hi Randeye , I agree with rosebud11: you'll never return to normal. This is because, when you heal, because you have lived in hell you will be superior to normal. It's like when many people have a near death experience; it changes one.

I am glad you are going to get counselling. Also, do keep coming here and also you could start reading relevant books or information you get from Google searches on the internet.

As for feeling worthless, I used to do that too. Well, I still do it from time to time, when I start to slip back. But now I know I am actually suffering from pride if I believe that. Who am I to say I am worthless. And just because he treated you badly doesn't make you worthless. The fact is that you are judging yourself as worthless and you have no right to do so. So when you do, say "No. I am of worth". And that is enough on that subject. You don't have to argue about it or prove it; it is just true. Everyone is of worth and to say otherwise is untrue. And that is how it is.

And if you want things to be different, you work on a plan for making it so and work on doing it. It IS hard at times, but you sound like a lady with spirit. You can do it. If you fall down, pick yourself up. You are good at that or you wouldn't be a survivor.

All the best to you.

You are worth more than you will ever know! You were brought into this world for a reason - don't forget that! Although you had a rough childhood and it has affected your adult life, don't let it control the rest of your life! Consistent counseling will help you heal and with each passing day you'll become more confident and you will feel worthy again, and you'll be able to love and maintain strong relationships with others. You know, you may also want to become active in hobbies you may like. For instance, I'm a psych major and an artist so I love to paint and draw, etc. It's very therapeutic. Please don't give up on yourself. Deep down inside I'm sure there is a strong woman, you just need to let the world know it! You are still young so you can pick yourself up and go out and conquer the world! We are all here for you - take care!

Thank you all for the comments and support!! I agree that the mental/emotional abuse is worse..some wounds don't heal. But, I am working on it. I will start therapy soon. I love this site, the support I've received on this site is priceless and I love all of my DS friends. Thank you for taking time out of your day to help out a person in need!!

Randeye, I am really sorry for what happened to you and I feel for you. I was also mentally and emotionally abused since a child and now in two separate relashionships with men. I have to try hard to elevate my self-esteem threw reading and self discipline, it is not easy, but it helps, and I practice the tools learned in different sites, all I typed was self-esteem. One site that I find very helpful is one called www.dove.com, sometimes I forget I need to practice these tools, but when my feelings are hurt and they are, very often, because of memories in the past, I find conforting to practice the self esteem tools.

Thanks, lytad. I will try that site as well as search for self-esteem. Tahnks so much for the advice...I appreciate it!!

found this article on the net... let me know if you choose to try this, and if it works for you.

Feeling Worthless and Depression
by Norm Cohen
October 19, 2006
Depression is often lurking in the shadows. When you are depressed, most often you think that you are worthless. The worse the depression, the more you feel this way. Fortunately, you are not alone!

A survey by Dr. Aaron Beck revealed that over 80 percent of depressed people expressed dislike for themselves. According to Dr. Beck, when you are depressed, you feel The Four Ds:

Defeated,
Defective,
Deserted, and
Deprived.

Also, most counselors find that depressed individuals see themselves as deficient in those qualities of life they most highly value: intelligence, achievement, popularity, attractiveness, health and strength. And almost all negative emotional reactions cause damage by contributing to feelings of low self-esteem. The way a therapist handles these feelings of inadequacy is crucial to the treatment, as your sense of worthlessness is a key to your depression.

How can you increase your sense of worth? You cannot earn it through what you do. Happiness is not obtained solely by your achievements. Self-worth based on accomplishments is pseudo-esteem; its simply not the real thing.

Cognitive therapy, as taught by Dr. Beck, refuses to buy into an individuals sense of worthlessness. Instead, his techniques help people to understand and address those factors that contribute to low self-esteem.

Some Specific Methods for Boosting Self-Esteem

Talk Back To That Internal Critic!! A first method to boosting self-esteem involves your internal self-critical dialogue that generates a sense of worthlessness. For example, thoughts such as Im no damn good or Im inferior to other people contribute to feeling bad about yourself. To overcome this self-defeating mental habit, three steps are needed:

Train yourself to recognize and write down the self-critical thoughts as they race through your mind;
Learn why these thoughts are distorted; and
Practice talking back to them so as to develop a more realistic self-evaluation system.
Develop Mental Biofeedback. A second useful method to boosting self-esteem involves monitoring your negative thoughts. You can set aside 10 to 15 minutes each day and write down your negative thoughts. Initially, each time you do this, the number of thoughts increases. This occurs because you get better at identifying them. After about a week you reach a plateau, and then after three weeks the number of negative thoughts goes down. This indicates that your harmful thoughts are diminishing, and you are getting better.
Cope, Dont Mope. People often make the mistake of viewing their images in a global way, making moralistic and negative judgments. This approach tends to cloud the issues, creating confusion and despair, and can block our ability to deal with real problems that lie beneath these judgments. Once we get rid of our negative thoughts, we can define and cope with any real problems that exist.

Getting Help to Get Better

As shown here, there are a number of things you can do on your own to improve your self-esteem. It is often the case, however, that low self-esteem is one piece of a larger set of issues that may be quite challenging to address all on your own. People who find that they have a lot of difficulty seeing themselves realistically or addressing the underlying problems in their lives may benefit from the services of a mental health professional. A trained and experienced therapist can help you to identify and address the issues that underlie low self-esteem and set you on the road to feeling better.

Ruby, you are my hero! A lifesaver, really! Thanks so much for ALL of your input!!

I hope that some of these techniques work for you. I like the idea of writing them down... its similar to the healing jar project...

maybe you can combine the two?

put the negative thoughts into the appropriate jars so that the lies eventually hide the face of each person who was a toxic relationship for you?

The mental abuse stays with you always, I think. I been out of an abusice marraige for 24 yrs and the mental abuse is still there. The physical has went away.
After we hear day in and ay out that we are ugle, fat, worthless, wont amount to nothing etc. It stayins in the brain, locked away for awhile but still is there. Just something simple will bring it back out.
Feeling worthless, I still feel that way at times, and yet I know I AM NOT worthless at all.
It takes loads of time to ease that mental abuse one gets, in order to make it down the road to life a bit easier for us.