I asked my counselor yesterday if it is normal that we become so obsessed with our abusers? Is this how they manipulate us to be. The funny thing is that one of the ways he emotionally abused me was to call me nut job, crazy, and tell everyone else that. Now that he is gone, sometimes I think he is right because of some of the behavior I have. Other people who know me would never call me crazy. I am successful at what I do, straight A college student. a good mother and I have so many friends. There is nothing in my life today that anyone would look at and think crazy except him and the way I react to him. Yet when it comes to him I do crazy things. When I first found out that he was involved with someone else (this is before he totally cut things off with me), this person lived on a road that I could use as a way to my house. I would drive by there to see if he was there. I continued to do that on and off for about 2 months till I realized I was hurting myself and now I avoid that area. I manipulated ways to find out what was going on between them and in his life. This is not the type of stuff that I would do in my regular life and it makes me wonder if everything he said about me is true. Am I the problem, and a nut job or is this what constant emotional abuse does and what they plan all along? Yesterday was his birthday and it was hard on me. A common acquaintance spent it with him and his new girlfriend. This is hard for me because of the way our relationship started (I found out he was cheating and so to cover himself he told everyone I was crazy and was chasing him) he did not like to be seen out with me. He would have to explain to everybody why he was with the girl he called crazy. Anyways when he takes he around his friends it upsets me. Then again I have to remember that I would not have wanted to be there celebrating his birthday in a bar with his drinking buddies. The irony is that he quit drinking but that is still where he chooses to hang out and the same friends he hangs out with. Anyways I guess I just want reassurance that I am not crazy. The funny thing is that I am starting to look at pictures of him and see behaviors and realize I don't even like him and he is a loser. I think what drives me so crazy is that the looser left me for someone else. All my friends say it was because I was to good for him and I make him look bad so he had to find someone worse than him that he could dominate and feel better about himself with. Unfortunately he tore myself esteem to shreds before he left so it is so hard to see what everyone else sees in me anymore. When I look in the mirror I see all my flaws and fat, not good enough. I wonder if all the horrible things he said about me is true.
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