There are many ways to be abusive or manipulative and controlling other than this ways that you listed. It's possible for abusers to be very subtle in their tactics and put downs. They can do this by implying things that are negative. For example, If you are unnaturally obsessed with finances and making equal financial contributions, you can make your partner feel that you consider them inadequate. Or, if you simply "look" angry whenever there is a disagreement, you can make her feel that you are a bomb waiting to explode. Perhaps despite everything you say above, you never compliment or tell her you love her, while complimenting people outside your marriage. Maybe you use excessive guilt trips to make her feel bad.

Your insecurities make it appear that you don't trust her to at the least look after herself, and at the worst be faithful (she's an adult, I'm sure she can look after herself). The fact that she thinks you are mad when you claim not and that she finds you "creepy" are big red flags that you are doing things that are inappropriate whether aware of them or not.

After reading this, you may feel the need to question her in depth about what your behaviors are but she has asked you for space so RESTRAIN YOURSELF. She has asked you for time and space and if you don't give it to her, you are demonstrating that you care more about yourself and your needs/desires than hers.

If you want to find out what, if anything, you are doing wrong:
1. Seek counseling - not just a couple of weeks worth but a year or more of it.
2. Read a book - google "Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men"

Good luck and I wish you well as you work about fixing the problems in your marriage in a CONSTRUCTIVE rather than destructive way.

Thank you for your input and I value your comments.

I do trust my wife to take care of herself that is why I was orginally drawn to her and her independence. I think the perception of insecurity is that I often tell her I love her, compliment her as a mother, homemaker and and women for all of the sacrafices she has made. I have always insisted that our household finances are "ours" not mine and if thier is money available feel free to do what she wants (trips (5 this year not work related), hair, nails, whatever). I am working on my body language and facial expressions as I don't want to intimidate or make her feel unequal by any measure (I am usually confused or seeking some measure of understanding). As for counseling we have gone (7 months my suggestion) and we have had mixed results, usually it is confusing for the counselors (hers and mine) as to why we have these issues because we communicate in counseling. They do fully recognize that she is the one that has shut down and tryinbg to get her engaged but it's difficult when she won't talk.

My wife has made several changes over the past few months (hair, makeup, secretive, weightloss/focus, goes out alot, looks to travel more, etc)which I attribute more to life changes and searching for self worth.

I am trying to support her search and remain available but it's difficult when I am made to be the reason for all of her troubles. She is a great girl and I am a great guy but I am worried that our time has run out.

@glad...its hard for us to give you advice because we don't know the ins and outs of your marriage. I'd try another counselor and seek direction through mediation and/or prayer.

if you have to ask ?????????

you know what you are

you sound like a loving husband. maybe she is the one with abusive issues?

The post before mine was wrong to say-these comments should be kept to self.

I agree with Lifebutnotasweknowit. Restrain yourself from questioning her further.

Your insecurities maybe valid, perhaps she is finding them 'creepy' because there is something going on with 'her' not 'you' and you are picking up on the fact she may not love you.

She admitted that she is not even sure that she loves you probably is why she is finding everything that you do creepy and irritating.

You got to have mutual love. if there is no love, what is there to build upon?

I am just on the outside looking in and seeing a different view and not wanting to upset you.

why would a wife get annoyed if her husband phones her when he is away. I love it when I get a text message or a phone call from my husband when he is away.

wanting a phone call if the other spouse is going to be late is out of respect and consideration for the other person, other spouse would worry otherwise. i think that is reasonable to request a call.

What you are describing seems reasonable. Of course there maybe more to the story but you sound like you are doing your best.
And your second post sounds like you are analyzing every single move that you make just to not to irk your wife. you can't go around walking on egg shells. If you can't be yourself and she can't be herself then there is something wrong.

If you are having more time apart and having almost separate lives that isn't going to help build things up.

I understand it is important to pursue own interests but Do you ever go out together. go on dates?

and I am glad you suggested counselling, it shows that you don't have anything to hide and you are willing to make changes and accept guidance. It takes communication with the counsellors for them to be able to help you and if one of you is shut down and won't talk, then how can things get resolved.

I think your wife has to be more open and honest in the counselling sessions.

I am sorry you are going through this. And I don't agree with the well if you have to ask the question then you are an abuser.
Not everything is cut and dry as that.

Also I hate to say this but is there a possibility that she is seeing someone else? And her accusations towards you and her lack of communication is her way of covering herself?

I'm sorry but I'm going to come in and reality check here. All these lovely ladies are so wonderfully caring and giving that I don't believe there is a healthy enough dose of cynicism in this thread.

IF you are an abuser and your wife is being abused, then of course you would lie or downplay any wrong doing on your part and say what a great husband you've been. It's also a pretty reasonable assumption that you might show up at this site to try to "prove" to your wife that you aren't abusive. You wouldn't be the first guy to do so. I have certainly seen it before because my ex did it and it was how I found the site.

And all you lovely women, has it occurred to you that his wife might be reading all your posts about how great her husband is and comparing them with posts about what abusers do and then doubting her own sanity? Now I'm not going to say that he is or he isn't since we don't have her side of the story but I can say that I haven't seen any evidence that he isn't an abuser.

I think that given the nature of this site, we should probably err on the side of supporting the possible victim of abuse which I don't feel that this husband is since it's clear that his wife is trying to put space between them, while abusers try to bring victims closer.

And for someone to suggest that the wife may be having an affair! If this man is an abuser that is totally playing into his hands!

Remember people, we are all biased against abusers and a lot of us are "people pleasers" who don't want to say anything nasty. Make sure you look at things from both sides.

As for the poster's comments that he has attended counselling with his wife, in abuse cases, couples counselling is generally unproductive. In all counselling, individuals should work on themselves before they work on the relationship, it's healthiest whether abuse exists or not. Healthy people make healthy relationships.

You sound like a good, loving husband most particularly because you are so supportive of your wife and her activities.

If I were you I would try to detach somewhat - give your wife a lot of space since she is asking for that. Good luck with this.

WOW!!!!

Thank you all for your thoughts and viewpoints.

I attended a CODA meeting last night as I am trying to understand myself and relationship as best I can. Although it's only been a single meeting thier has been enlightment, understanding and a glimpse at a brighter future. I was amased at the stories and the common experiences of the men and women regarding their feelings, my wifes and mine. I have come to realize that our biggest challenge may be that we are both people pleasers and enablers which are not having our needs met and thus internalizing and resenting our partner. I think my wife figured this out first (thus looking for space) and I am just starting to catch up. I think our tugof war is not meant to hurt each other by any means but unfortunately because we are both angry or frustrated we don't percieve the others actions as loving caring whatever.

Lifebutasweknowit I do think you have some validity in your comments primarily that Abusers need to be supported and that nowone should be subject to any abuse. That is why I originally reached out in to this group to ask the question. I am reaching out to get help for my self if I have abusive tendancies, I would never want to put anyone through that especially someone I love. At the same time I should also not have to experience/recieve any abuse becasue I am a man (not fair, which is why I rasied the original question.

Regarding the affair concerns, who knows and I'm not sure it really matters at this point. I have asked (she hit 9 out of 10 signs) and she said she hasn't so that's what I have to go with. I would run myself crazy worrying about it and their would be nothing I could do anyway. Like my wife I have come to realize that I like my space and it's WORK to try to make some one else happy. Although I do enjoy doing things (movies, walks, talking) with my wife and stuff for my wife (cook, fix stuff, whatever)I now take a deeper look and ask is it truly for her or for me. Understanding this helps me take a fresh look at my expectation of response and enjoy the act for myself regardless of her reaction. If she wants to talk great, I'm always here for her but if she doesn't that's OK too it's her decision.

We'll see where life takes us......

@lifebutno,
I can be cynical at the best of times and understand partly of what you are saying. but being referred to as a 'lovely lady' is patronizing. I am not swooning at this man's feet and fanning myself because of all what he said.

This guy came here and told his story. And that is what I am responding to. this is how forums are like. we may never get the full picture and we either stay quiet or say something.

yes perhaps this guy is trying to pull the wool over our eyes but I can't treat this like a chess game and be considering his possible conniving strategy and speculating that his wife maybe reading all this.
I doubt that she is reading this. she is most likely getting her nails done and getting ready for another trip.

I think that the second post he put up says more about him. and so I have given him the benefit of the doubt.
The guy is walking on eggshells. he can hardly breathe without her jumping on him.
he sounds like he is attentive but not smothering or overly. I think most of us would like to hear positive affirmations. My husband tells me he loves me everyday. should I be seeing that as creepy, or smothering.

I think his wife is recoiling and is rebuffing his words and she is wanting to get away, not because he is abusing her, is because she doesn't love him.
Have you ever been with anyone you aren't attracted to, do not love? You don't have anything in common with. you can't stand being in the same room as.
it feels like a wet blanket on you that you can't wait to kick off and you will say or do anything to get away from it.

Sorry I didn't mean to write ABUSERS needed to be supported I meant Those being abused.

Lifebut, please don't read into the mistake

@qdad, glad you got some insight into things from the meeting.
it seems you maybe able to figure things out.

We all have our 2 cents worth of opinions. we may be right, we maybe wrong.
I am sure in this support group there is going to be cynicism because of the nature of the subject. most abused victims are 'on guard' and have their antenna up all the time. I have mine up too but can see different point of views aswell.

hope thing work out for you ok.

I just want to add my 2-cents in that the people who ask if they are abusers, who are questioning themselves, are generally not abusers. From my POV abusers never even ask this question...it is inconceivable.

That all being said, I hope you can find support here or elsewhere to help you work things out with your wife. And thanks for your input about the CODA meeting, very interesting.