I pretty much wrote this all in my journal but I kinda wanted some feedback I guess or support or something. I dont know what I fucking want. I'm hurting so bad. You know he's in jail and was just gonna take the plea and do 6 months. He deserves it. Now he wants to take it to trial and have me say the bruises were from me falling because I had been drinking and when he threw the cup at me he was just throwing it out of anger and it accidentally hit me and that the cigarette burn on my figure was an accident that happened while he was trying to restrain me so I didnt hurt myself. Too bad he put the cigarette out on the tattoo I have on my ring finger of his initials becaus he said he was gonna burn it off. I guess that was better than the last time when he had a knife to my finger and was gonna cut it off. I was gonna be strong and not give in this time and the moment i talked to him he broke me down and there I was telling him how much I missed him and loved him and would do whatever it takes because I cant be without him. What the fuck is wrong with me???? Then I talk to him tonite, I have to go to his dads ex-girlfriends so he can call. I've been taking him money and clothes and making all these calls for him. You know still bending over backwards for him. Poor him. What about what I'm going threw. Then I asked him about things I had heard about in the past and I told him I wanted to know the truth because how could we start over without a clean slate and he preceded to tell me about all the girls he cheated on me with. A girl he accually had an affair with while he was working out of town for months and then he would come home on the weekends and be with me. Another girl was his drug dealer and she is nothing but a nasty ass junkie. He was supposed to come visit me in the hospital and never showed up and said it was because he was sick and took medicine and fell asleep. I was in the mental hospital because he put me there. He had been calling me fat and lazy all night and just putting me down and I locked myself in my sons room and he slid a razor blade under the door and told me to do the world a favor. I broke down and ended up in the hospital so He decided to sleep with this heroin, crack, skin and bones dirty ass girl in my fucking house! The other was my cousins girlfriend. They have a child together so her boy is like my second cousin. My cousing died a year ago but I consider her my cousin now. She's part of my family. The night he beat me up real bad he had called and made plans with her and she told him where to pick her up and everything and they had it all planned out but he ended up going to jail that night. The next day she was over here acting so concerned for me and she couldnt believe how he could hurt me and she would stay with me for awhile if I needed her to and the whole time she was gonna be with my man. She' part of my family for god's sakes!!!!! I hung up on him and he called right back and I told terri that i already left and instead of telling her to tell me he was sorry or something he told her that he better have 200. on his books by tomarrow or he was gonna report me for collecting his unemployment. I didnt want to do it in the first place cause I didnt want to get in trouble but he assured me that it would be him that would get into trouble. It was the only way I could put money on his books and he owes me so much money plus he said to use it to help with the bills. He wanted a place to come home to when he came out and without a little help he's gonna come home to a house with no water, electric, or heat. Ive already gotten two shut off notices. How can he be the one that cheated and I got upset but he get mad at me and threatens me??? I'm hurting so bad, I cant take the pain. I've been drinkin constantly, going to the bar as soon as I get my son on the bus or just drinking at home all day all night. Popping pill after pill and now I even relapsed on cocaine. I had been doing so good. Its just like I want to do whatever I can to not have to think or feel. I'm self destructing and I still cant take the pain. I just need to get number and number.
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